13 years today

I know that there is nothing that I can do about it, but I can remember. Almost like it was yesterday. I miss my baby. I missed out on so much, and here I am 2and 1/2 months away from 37, and still no children. I envy those who are able to become pregnant on their own. I do not envy their losses, that is a hurt never forgotten, butthe fact that they can become pregnant with their husband without a doctor is something that I will never have without the help of GOD.

It is even harder to believe that it has been over a year since I lost my lasy pregnancy. I am alone in my hurt. I hurt mor ethan anyone knows. I find it harder since I have been on the meds to show emotion. I am sure that is one of the side effects. I am just heartbroken. Is there nothing for me?

Really Bad Year!!!!

I am not saying that I am not glad to be alive, but I am sad and somewhat depressed. I did not have a good Christmas and I am not looking forward New Year's Eve either that will be the 13th anniversary of my first loss.


I do not know what kind of day that will be I am planning on just staying at home in bed and I am hoping that my husband be able to buy me a few skeins of yarn to finish my sweater. I hope that we will be able to afford a few more. I just don't know. money is tight and I am not sure that we will be able to afford much.

My husband needs medicine and there are always bills that need to be paid. I was also hoping too that I would be able to get a couple more books with some patterns for sweaters.

That is all for now....

Humbug!

The bitterness has set in and I just am at a place where there is nothing more to be said for happy holidays until I have a family of my own to have one with. My hopes are not high for that anyway.

I am just completely worn out about this time of the season. I do not want to be around anyone for any reason. I am not looking forward to seeing anyone today. I have been up all night and in a very foul mood.

I don't want to be around any children today as they are here all the time and this is not a day when I want them around. They always seem to levitate toward me and that makes me angry. All I want to do is to saty at home and sleep and watch some TV.

Our baby, if he/she had been born would be about 6 months old and it would be their first Christmas. I think about all of the things that would have been, and here I am another year of hurt and suffering through another day.

I am so beyond hurting. I don't know what else to do. I am not in a good place and I just don't want to be around anyone. I just want to be left alone. My husband wants me to cook, but I do not even want to do that. There is no safe place for me.

Why did my baby have to die? Why couldn't I have a good Christmas for once? I just do not understand. I had so much hope when I was pregnant, but it all went away. I would like to know why there is nothing for me. NOTHING!!!!! Where is my baby? My family? I do not know anymore. I am so angry at everything. I am just through.

What People Say When They Want To Help....

Sometimes people say things that upset you more than help when you are just not feeling the "hope" thing. Like, "everything will be okay", and just how would they know. Everything has not been okay in a long while.

Another one that I really hate is, " you time will come". Where do people get this stuff from? I know that they are trying to help, but if you don't know what to say don't say anything at all. I would understand better if they would just tell me that they don't know what to say.

This is more than I can bare at times, and I don't know how much longer that I can. I know that there is nothing that I can do about it, but the time of year brings everything back to you brand new.

I hate those times when nothing seems to flush away the constant flood of hopes and the heartache of the memories. It is too much most of the time, and hard on my mind. I feel like i am not far from a break and when it comes it will come hard. I am cycling again. I know the signs and they are familiar as I have experienced them manys times before.

There is just no relief from the constant feelings of loss and inadequacy. I think that I am just tired of it all. I am more than tired, I am exhausted. There are children everywhere and none of them are mine, that is the most sad thing of all. I just want to run, but where would I run to? How would help me? I just don't know what else to do. I am beyond understanding. My poor heart and mind is crushed. I am beaten. I feel so lost in my own home and body and life. All I have is the memories and none of them are good ones.

Sad

I am just sad beyond belief right now. I don't know what to do with myself. I am feeling so lost and hurt. I thought that things would have been so different this year. I thought that we would have had a baby by now and we would have our very own little Christmas as a family.

It was not to be and maybe never will be. I do not know how to deal with that. I do not think that I am even dealing with it now. I am going through the worst time in my life. I have not known what happiness is for more than a year now. The last time I was truly happy was when I saw that possitive pregnancy test October 4,2007. Other than that life has just been a succession of hurts and wounds open again and again.

I do not like leaving my house even for a little while. If I do I want to get back to the safety of my empty house as soon as possible. I have no life right now and do not expect one anytime soon.

I do not know what to do or even begin to feel human again. I feel like I am in this place alone, and I don't want to leave it.

I am going through with the IVF next year, but I am also not going to get my hopes up about anything. I can't affort to do that. I don't want to feel like there is any such thing. Just longing and crying for so many years has put me in a place where I do not want to believe that anything good can or will happen for me.

I do not know what will happen. I do feel like that whatever will happen will not be in my favor.

Acceptance?????

How do you accept the fact that you are just not meant to have children? that there is nothing left, no way out? How do you find hope and help in a situation like mine? I just don't know. I feel like there is no way out for me. I just do not feel like even if we do IVF that it will work anyway. I am no depending on my sister either. She has so much going on in her life right now that trying to get pregnant for us would be an even further strain on her.

I really want to scream.. I want to cry, but more than that I am angry and feeling lost. I know that my husband tries to understand but there is just no way that he could know. He wants to make it all better for me, and he always says things that are menat to cheer me up and help me have hope, but all it does is make me angry because he does not want to deal with the negative aspects of what we are going through.

It is all my fault anyway. If I had not been so lost when I was young and tried to find love in anyone who showed me affection I would not be here now. I would have had a family long ago... I am stupid and dumb and crazy. I hate myself for what I have done, not only to myself but to my children, and to my husband. Now I have to accept and live with the fact that all of this is my fault. I HATE MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hurting

I really am having a hard time. I am having terrible cramping. I am hurting emotionally too. I feel like there really is nothing left for me... I am truly at the point where if there is IVF and nothing comes of it I am going to have a hysterectomy. I cannot go through this monthly punishment anymore.

I am always sad and lonely there is just no sense in suffering needlessly. If there is something that can be done about it. I am just tired more than anyone but God knows. My heart is constantly broken. I cannot live like this anymore. My life is sad anyway, why should I continue to put myself through all of this for nothing.

Having a period every month is just adding to everything else that I am going through. I know that I should have a 4 or 5 month old now, and I have nothing but a piece of paper saying that I am not pregnant anymore. Not to mention the blood that never fails to show every month.

My missing one day and how I reacted to it just shows how sad a case i am and how i am longing for the one thing that seems out of reach for me... I may never have a baby and I have to livewith that no matter how I might not want to.....

Well....I am alone

I am alone in my suffering even more than I thought. I will try so hard not to allow anyone else to know how I feel. The hurt is mine. I should not expect others to understand how I feel.

I will long for my babies in secret. I was just hoping for a miracle so badly. I want to be a mommy. I want to feel my baby move inside of me.. I want to see a heartbeat for the first time, and joy in that.

I am not worthy of such a thing.

December 2008...Almost 13 years

These days are almost surreal as of late. I am looking at thirteen years since my first loss and since I have been trying to have a baby. My heart just is not into Christmas and not just because of finances, but because I am sad for the loss of my children and the idea that there is so little hope for me to have children.

My period is supposed to start today, and I am not looking forward to another cycle of empty womb and home, and heart. This is just time for me to reflect on how much I have lost. I just do not know what to do or where to begin if I were to do anything. My heart is in a constant state of brokeness.

I would love to have a Christmas miracle, but I have learned over the years that miracles are for those who have the money to make them happen. I do not have the finances to make those things come into being and I am at the point where there is nothing else for me to do other than hurt.

Dreary, gloomy, and sad--that is how I feel most of the time, and I do not know what else there is for me to do. I went to the doctor last week, and when the nurse could not get a BP on me he said that I might be pregnant...Yeah right... I just don't know how to hope for that at all... All I know anymore is that it will either take a REAL miracle without medical intervention or IVF, if I could even make enough eggs to get a good one.

Just Another Sad Day In The Life....

I am just having on of those days where I am really thinking about babies, and children. I am like that most months around the time of my period. I always thought of my period as a sign of hope that there would always be a chance for me to conceive.

I do not see it that way anymore. Now it is more a reminder of really how broken I am as a woman. I do not look forward to it. I don't like having the PMS, or the feelings of inadequacy. Most of all I hate the lack of hope that is in it. I hate feeling like my womb is an open wound and all I can do is wait it out. Only to have the same feelings the next month.

I know that we are going to try IVF one more time, but I cannot find joy in that either because I know what could happen. I am angry at infertility because it took away so much like the fact that there is nothing innocent about me anymore. I am so closed off even to my husband. Even if we were to become pregnant through IVF there would be not joy in it until the baby is born because so much has been stolen from me and I would not believe until I was holding the baby in my arms that it could not be taken from me again.

It is not just the loss that has taken so much from me, but the aftermath. The dates and the memories. Telling my husband on the phone that I was pregnant and hearing him with a lump in his throat, and the joy that he got from telling his family that he was going to be a father. I hurt for him. He has been through this with me, and yet he has been string for me when I know that there have been moments when he wanted to crumble.

I feel like it is my fault that I cannot give him children. I feel like I am less than what he deserves. He works so hard so that I could be at home and raise our children, well it has been seven years and I still have not given him children. I don't know that I ever will.

I see my life going on, but not forward. I feel stuck in the same place. Time has moved on but I haven't, I can't I am trying. But I am missing so much. I am a mother, in my heart and soul I am, but in my body I cannot be. I need to not feel the same old pang of hurt every month knowing that there is no chance that I might be pregnant. I don't know what else to do. I am in prison in my own body, and there is nothing that I can do about it. There is nothing that I can do to change it.

my fertility has been stolen from me in every way. If the IVF doesn't work then I will have no choice but to turn to some other woman. Even though it is a thought there is no money for such things. I just do not want to feel like there is nothing that I can do even when I know that I can't.

Thousands of dollars is not something that we can afford. We cannot even borrow the money. How do I come to grips with the fact that if IVF doesn't work that I have to live my life without hope of ever having children. I don't know. I have done it for this long and it has been constant torture. I don't know what I would do if it were done and over and all I could do is wait to die without the family I longes and prayed for with my husband.

I don't really believe that I am living now. I am just exsisting. Trying to make it to the next day. It is not a good way to live.

Dreams

I have been having dreams about babies, and pregnancy as of late. Alot of them. last night for instance I dreamed that I was breast feeding, and that I was worried about having enough milk for my baby. It was strange. I guess it is just my mind's way of coping. I would love to be able to breast feed my baby. There is something I have to do first....Get pregnant! I have never had a pregnancy in my womb. I could not even imagine that feeling of having a baby that would grow to term inside of me, and feel himor her moving and depending on me to live.

That would be so awesome. I still do not want to get my hopes up about IVF because every time we make a plan to do something on the fertility front it gets thrown to the back burner. I just feel so sad about the dreams and the longing to be a mother, and wanting that feeling of having a child inside of my body. It is apparent that is what a lot of women want as there are so many of them seeking treatment for infertility.

I don't know what to do about the drams and am so unsure about everything that I am feeling as far as my body going through another IVF. It just seems so hard to digest all of this, and I really do not have anyone to share all of this with so I write it down. I guess I will write more as it comes.

Amy

Trying Again....

Well the decision has been made to try IVF one more time. We are maybe going to try in Feb. or Mar. I am not sure when but I feel like at this point that we have nothing else to lose. There are really no expectations at this point and even less hope for anything to come of this.

Lorenzo and I have one more chance with his insurance coverage so we are going to try. My heart is still broken and I am not looking at this like we will get pregnant, and I will not have any hope until we get to that point until we have something to transfer.

I only pray that we even get to the point that there is even anything to retrieve.

That is it for now I guess. Until.......

Jesus, it's me again...

Lord, my only question is why? I just can't comprehend. I know that I am not dumb--I just feel that way now because every time there is a glimmer of hope I am cast back into this dark place. I am tired--I am weary, and I am at the end of my rope.

I am tired of the constant sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I have been told so many time to lay it all down--and when I do guess what? I get it thrown right back in my face, only a double portion.

Lord, I have tried so hard, and still am to do everything that I can to stay sane--it is not an easy task. I am helping my sister by keeping her two smaller children, and no matter how I might hurt I get up anyway.

I am doing everything that I can. I help people even when it hurts. We have lost so much in this and I am wondering if I should just send my husband to someone else because I cannot give him children. Others may scoff, but I know now more than anyone should how Sarah felt when looking at her husband and her aging body.

Not only is my body aging, but it has been mangled, and stitched back together with nothing to offer but cramps. Lord I am angry with you. I am hurt, because You more than anyone else knows what I have been through, and all that I have done to try and help others. Am I that big a failure in your eyes? Almost 13 years ago I lost my baby, but that was not enough I also had to lose the chance to have a fmily at all.

I AM NOT JOB!!! I do not know how much longer or how much more I can bare. I know that others might not even write it down the way that I am, but it is all that I can do. I have nothing to fight with anymore, and my strength is gone. You told me to lay my cares on you. So here they are.

What good is my life if I have nothing to offer? You made me, and you allow these things to happen, so why is there nothing that You will do about them? This is not just about not having children, this is about not having a life anymore. This is about all that I have hope and prayed for. This is about not having anything to hope for anymore. This is about giving up. Are You listening? Can You hear me? Do You care for me? Why is there nothing for me, not even life? Why is there no happiness for me? Why do I always have to take the scraps of what is left? Why is it ok for me to joy with others and not for myself? Why do I have to fake it for everyone and smile when I feel like screaming?

Can't You see that I am in turmoil? You open the barren womb. You create all life. You are the keeper of my soul. You are the shepherd. You are the one who died for my sins. What do you want me to do? I give it all to you, and it is never enough. What more is required? How much more do I endure? How long will I be able to live like this?

I am beyond tired. No one wants to hear my problems when they have enough of their own. No one wants me around, unless I can be of some service to them. When they have what they need--they don't call or come around. I am stuck here in this house, and I have only my dog for company. I am beaten. I have nothing else to give. I have no more strength. I have no more hope. All I have are words, and even they are beginning to fail me. I do not want to die like this. But i do not want to live like this either. I am being punished, and it is more than I can bare. I am thrown away by this world, my family so called friends. Are You done with me too?

Vent

That old feeling of just wanting to disappear is back. I do not like December. I do not like Christmas. I do not like the feelings that come along with all of the memories. I am heartbroken all over again. Every year it is the same. I think that I am just going to stay at home and make my little nest safe and quiet. I am going to turn off all ringers on the phones, and sleep through it.

I am no longer amazed at the lack of happiness in my life. I have my husband and the last thing that I want to do is drag him down with me. So he will spend time with his family without me. I do not eat much anymore due to side effects from the meds that I am on so missing a meal won't bother me. I just don't know what to do with myself.

I said that I was going to start cleaning out some of the things in the "baby's room", but I have not had the strength--it is more anout the physical than the mental. I am really tired of having to keep that door shut because I just don't want to look at it.

I don't know what to say or do anymore. I am at a complete and utter loss. I am not in a good place. I felt at one point that there was a door opening, but not for me. I should have known better than to hope for anything good. I am just sick. I want to cry, and sometimes I do, but only when the tears come involuntarily. I don't think that I even know what to cry about anymore--there is just so much to cry about.

Grief is not my thing. I have never been a good griever. In my case the grieving never stops. As soon as one thing happens and I think that I am past it something else happens and I am thrust back into the midst of the storm again.

Lord, what do you want from me? You made me and you know. What more do I have to go through? How much more do I have to endure? How much more can I endure? I don't know, only You know.

My heart just is not in this anymore. I can't drive anymore. I don't go out of my house unless it is another visit to the doctor. I don't put clothes on until I shower, and then it is PJs again. I am just here, and I don't know where here is anymore. I am not living, I am just exsisting. I don't like it, but not much that I can do about it. It is in His hands and anything that I hope for is crushed anyway so I have very little need or use for hope at all.

Blah, Blah, Blah, I know this is how I sound, but it is all that keeps me sane most days. I really don't expect anyone to reply of even read, I need to vent. I need to write it down. Not in hopes of one day looking back at these words with our miracle child and thinking how ugly life was before. I need to write it down because even though it is not pretty or happy or full of hope it is where I am right now. It is where I have been for a long time.

And after so many years of having one hope or dream after another incinerated in front of my very eyes I should not expect anymore of myself. And to top it all off my body is once again betraying me by disentergrating causing immense pain and reminding me that there is really no hope of me even being able to carry a child, even if it isn't my own.

It means the death of never having anyone to ever call me mama. It means the death of all hope of ever giving my husband that ever longed for culmunation of our love. It means there are no miracles. At least not for me. It means a life of quiet solitude and reflection on all that I have missed out on. It means always feeling less than a woman. It means living in solitude even though I am married. It means getting used to always feeling lost in this female body that still longs to procreate, and stills menstrates as a show of rebellion--instead of quietly quenching that monthy fire that burns with promise even though there is none. It means living in this sad and barren land.

HOPE?!?! What's That?

It is just so strange that I have heard continually for almost 13 years that G-D will not put on you more than you can bare. I beg to differ. I do not think that I am holding up that great in sight of all that I have been through. Plus the fact that hope is a very shallow thing nowadays. I do not have the luxury of thinking that maybe this month. Funny the things that you think of as luxury after a few years of infertility.

There is nothing that I can do, nothing is going to change. I WANT TO BE A MOTHER!!!! I DON'T WANT TO BE INFERTILE!!!!

I AM TIRED OF HEARING THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY--BECAUSE IT ISN'T, AND IT NEVER WILL BE!!!!

I HATE THAT I STILL HOPE FOR A MIRACLE, I HATE THAT MY BODY BETRAYED ME!!!!

I HATE THAT THERE IS NOTHING THAT I CAN DO ABOUT IT!!!!

I HATE HAVING A PERIOD EVERY MONTH!!!!

I HATE THAT THERE IS NO HELP FOR ME!!!!

I HATE THAT WE DO NOT HAVE THE MONEY FOR DONOR EGGS!!!!

I HATE THAT WE CANNOT ADOPT!!!!

I think that I have screamed enough now. Not that I couldn't find some more to scream about, but I am tired now. I am assuming that this is all a part of the grief process. I am angry, so much so that I scare myself sometimes. Not that I would hurt anyone, but it is too much and even though I pray, it doesn't help. All I can do is hurt and fight my way out of bed every morning.

I am tired. Beyond words, beyond hope, beyond faith. Please pray for me. Pray that I will move from this point--pray that I will stop foolishly hoping for something that will never be mine. Pray that I stand.

Thanksgiving

Is a day to give thanks for all that we have. I am thankful for Jesus, and my life. I am thankful for my husband and our home. I am thankful for the comfort and support that I have found here in the safety of this blog.

I am trying so hard to be thankful an not sad and displaced--but it is hard. My eldest sister and my three nephews came by on turkey day. I met my new nephew for the first time. the one my sister had with my ex. He is a sweet little boy and took to me right away, I am quite proud of myself for not letting the sadness show. My 21yr old nephew is now on his way to his first tour in Iraq. Please pray that he will return home safe and whole.

I really don't know how to feel about my sister. There is still alot of hurt and feelings of betrayal on my part. I ask that the Lord heal me from that. I stayed at home home and my husband went to spend some time with his family. I schmoozed while he was gone. I had alot of pain and was not feeling well. By the time my husband got back home my sister and the boys were getting ready to leave. I am glad that they did not stay long.

I still feel so out of place around anyone with children. I have for so long tried to hide that and I just don't feel like I can anymore. I feel like it is best that I just stay away. I still am hoping that there will be a way made for us. I am no longer laboring under the false assumption that it will happen though. I know that miracles take work. I am willing to put in the hours and trusting G-D for the rest.

I am going to be putting things in order and clean out the room that was supposed to be our baby's. I do not go in there often(unless I HAVE to) only because I did not want to look at all of the sweet little baby clothes that I will never (without a miracle) have any use for. I am going to try to start on that Monday. I do not think that it will make me feel better, but it will make me feel like I am finally getting it that this part of it out of my hands. I need to close the chapter, even though I am not yet through with the book.

I talked to a friend yesterday, and it really amazes me how someone else's opinion on having children "the 'New' old fashioned way" can really get you down. I wanted to just break down crying. I wanted to get off the phone--but not before telling her that she could not understand unless and until she had become pregnant and Lord forbid lose it, and be told that without help there would be no children in you future. I try to take their opinions with a grain of salt--but it is not easy when facing the idea of never having children in the conventional way. Especially from someone who has never experienced pregnancy, or suffered the loss of her organs.

I think too that I am just too close to the situation to see it clearly from anyone else's point of view anyway. Not to mention that I am fragile right now. I want to be happy, I just don't feel like this is the time of year for me--both of my losses are so close to me right now, and everything seems so fresh in my mind. I was thinking last night that I would go to sleep, wake up and these past 12 (soon to be 13 ) years would be a bad dream. HA HA! Yeah right. I just feel dry right now, and kinda gloomy. We have rain coming for the next two days. I am happy about that--rainy days are my favorite. It is just somehow okay to feel yucky on rainy days.

I could use a couple of days to just sob. That is really the only thing that I have are the tears. That is okay too. I am getting used to them. This is a process--I only wish that I had known sooner that I was going to be where I am now. Maybe I could have steeled myself against it and protected my heart a little better--but I am here now and I have to learn how to work through it until I get to the next checkpoint. I am just feeling like 12 years is a long time to believe something only to find that it was all a lie, and you have to choose a different way to live.

If you made it through this rambling mess good for you.....;) If not I understand.

Open Doors

When we get the awesome opprtunity--when the door opens and the path is clear G-D is telling us to run for our lives. For our hopes and dreams, for the promise of Yea and Amen. I have had so few of these moments in my life, and it sometimes makes me want to second guess and turn and run to the darkness that I have hidden in for so long. Not so--not this time.

I was told by a friend of mine--a lady that has been a blessing to my life that G-D has a blessing with my name on it. I had a hard time receiving that just a few days ago, but as I am continually amazed by the love and graciousness of our Savior--I am finding those words and that hope sinking in.

I am of the firm belief that He will not allow us to suffer in vain--even though there are times when it seems that is exactly what we are doing. I have for so long felt like I was drowning in the losses and the betrayal of my own body. I have for so long awaited the saving grace that is so abundant with our Father--I awaited it and looked for it the way that I thought it should come. Not the way that He had it planned.

I am sure that we have all felt that way at some point in our lives. We want for G-D to do it but the way we would like for it to be done, and that was me. I am still amazed at His way and His will for my life. There is still sadness, but His light is oercoming the darkness in a way that I would NEVER have predicted or even thought about.

He has opened the door and cleared the way. I am going to run for my life. I am a miracle in the works. I have a testimony, and it is great. I would like to ask for all of those that read here regularly to please pray with me that His awesome will be done in our circumstances.

Come Out, Come Out Wherever You Are

I feel like I am calling all emotional baggage hiding out in my life. I have found that most of it is due to loss. I miss my mother and father so much. I miss the love that my mother had for the holiday season. She loved her Christmas tree, she was so sick--but she never let us know it. We did not know that this would be our last Christmas with her. I miss her so dearly. I talked to her and my father daily. They just slipped away from me.

All of my sister's have children, and I am NEVER invited to the Christmas Day. I feel like such an outcast. Like no one loves me, and I don't fit in with them because I don't have children. This is such an emotional time for me. All of the hurt resurfaces, and the feelings of loss. I am a mess. I cry when my husband is still in bed. I feel like he has seen enough of my blubbering and no need to make him upset as well.


Mourning is not good when you are alone, but I have no one else to cry and remember with. I really have come to dislike the holiday season due in some part to the overwhelming need for me to remember so much of the grief that until now has lain dormant. it all come flooding back as if it were just yesterday. I am not a drinker, never was much of one--but it is times like these when i could use a stiff one. I just don't know how to get myself out of this holiday funk. I put on a brave face for my hasband and his family--only to come home and cry like a baby when he is sleeping.

Lord, I want to have joy again. I want to put up a Christmas tree, and listen to the lovely music. I want to fill my home with the lovely smells of cinnamon and the deep earthy sent of sage--which by the way is awesome in the dressing. I miss my mom and dad. I loved the way her house smelled for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I miss their hugs and kisses. I just miss the way everyone would lay around afterward and watch the kids play and laugh. I miss the long naps sitting up on the old sofa while my dad played with his train. (Yes, he had toys too.) That is why it is so sad for me--why I try to stay away, my sadness is infectious andI do not wish it on anyone else.

I hope and pray that the Lord will find it in His infinite wisdom to help me have peace and true joy this year. There are so many first Christmas's for the little ones in my family this year. I only hope that mine will be like their's new and bright and beautiful.

A Note To Jesus

Dear Lord Jesus,

You have saved me from so much, and sometimes even from myself--I am in a place right now that all I know is the storm that surrounds me and threatens to swallow me up. I am looking for you, and longing to hear your voice in that part of me that is ever still and waiting for you instruction--yet I cannot hear you.

You tell me in your word that when I am weak You are strong--I believe that, I really do. You also tell me that there is no temptation that is taken me that is not common unto man, but also with the temptation you make a way to escape it. I need a way out Lord. I need to find safety and peace. There is so little of either in my life right now. I am surrounded by confusion, sadness, and heartache.

I am tired Lord. My body hurts all of the time, my life consist of counting down the hours until my next pain pill. I want to be well, I want to do all of the things that I could do 1 year ago. I want to walk closer to you--yet I feel so far away. I cry so much now Lord, and it feels like that is all that I can do. I am trying Lord to stand in the storm, but it is far from easy.

Please Lord, will you not hear me when I cry? Will you not come? You said that you would leave the ninety and nine to seek the one lost sheep. It's me Lord, I am the lost one. I know the voice of my shepherd, the keeper of my soul, but I am alone now and surrounded by the hungry wolves. Will you not snatch me out of their midst and send them scattered into confusion?

How can I fight this Lord, even with armour? I am fighting for my life--with all of my might with all that I have in me. I am losing. I have been through so much in my short life--abuse of every kind, homelessness, rape. I lived through it all. I struggled but I am here--I always believed that if Icould live through those things that I could live through this. Lord I believed that there was something better on the other side of that suffering--I was wrong. It was just more suffering. What comes next? What am I being shoved into the fire for now? What did I do that was so terrible?

I am so tired, I have scars and open wounds alike--some opened many times over and barely healed before they are reopened again. I try so hard to be a blessing to others, some that I do not even know. I just want to have peace, I want healing for my body. I do not want to be an old woman before my time. I did not want to have any hope of having a family snatched away from me.

Thank you Lord for listening to me--even if you do not answer I know that you hear. I know that for some of us there is no end to the storm. It is just the path that you have chosen to allow us to walk. I do not understand it, I will not pretend to. I do not miss my old life, I only hoped for so much more for my new one. I know that YOUR will be done and not mine, yet that does not make the hurt any less. Please help me Lord to accept what you know as better for me that what I want. Amen.

This Winding Road

I am still surprised at times how happy I can be for others, and yet so utterly lost for myself. The living childless thing is new to me--so please forgive the constant sadness. I am sure that with time I will get used to it. I am not so sure however that I will ever truly heal from it.

This journey is not by any means for the faint of heart. There are times when I long so badly for any little sign of hope or help. There are moments when although life goes on--you still feel like you are in two places at the same time. It is like I am living a double life.

There is the me that wants for everyone to see that I am still alive and kicking, and the other that would like nothing better that to scream from the roof tops how badly my life is suffering and my body longing for children. It is not fun. Not in the least.

So many of the things that we decided to do early on in our marriage depended on having children, and raising our family. We talked as if we already had children. It is not just the loss of children that we are dealing with here, but the loss of hopes, dreams, family. There is no loss of love, but when have planned and spoken these things to life--prayed believed and trusted, it is so hard to not think on those things.

As a matter of fact before my last pregnancy in Oct of last year my husband and I bonded like never before. We had been told that we would not have children or even become pregnant without help from science. I would not believe that. We prayed and spoke life into my womb. Believed that the Lord would give us children. It was only about a month later that I got pregnant, and Oct 4th that I got a possitive pregnancy test. On the 21st. I was back in the hospital for them to tell me that it was another ectopic. I could not understand why would G-D allow me to become pregnant only to lose another child with such pain and suffering. I have never had a pregnancy in my uterus. I could not help but to feel like I was and still being punished for some awful wrong.

I still do not know what else to do. I want to believe that just like with the pregnancy that there may someday be a way made that I might by some move of
G-D that there will be enough money for donor eggs, or embryo adoption. I am not holding my breath. It just amazes me how we had even made plans to try a donor egg cycle--now here we are in the midst of the economic crisis. How do you like that. There is nothing more to be said or done it is just a case of having everything that we have wanted for a family thrown down and trampled on. How do you hope through these things? Any suggestions?

When Daylight Comes

I am usually up to meet it--with my sidekick a mutt from the local pound who was one day away from extinction. He takes his place right beside my computer chair and snores while I type. It is comforting until the high priced dog food that we have him on gives him a bout of gas--at which point I begin to laugh and gag, and he looks at me like--"why are you laughing, you did it." My pup has been a real comfort to me through my most recent downs.

I do sleep on occasion, but only for a few hours and only because of the drug induced haze that the morphine causes. I am then up and going until I can't take it any longer and have to sleep. There really isn't much to do in the wee hours of the morning. So here I am in front of the old pooter express pecking out the few coherent thoughts that I have.

I spend most of my time reading the blogs of some of the fabulous women who have left comments for me. It is an awesome experience to read the thoughts and experiences of someone else and know how they feel. I never thought that I would find that.

There are times when I will go to bed and just lay there thinking why I do not laugh anymore. There just isn't much to laugh about. Laughter is a sign of hope, and to some degree normalcy, but I do not have any of that anymore. I have lost my innocence.

I really don't have that much going on in my life except for the occasional dog fart, and infertility. No one really wants to talk about those things--but it is all I have right now.

I used to write poetry, I had almost forgotten that there was something creative in this eggless wasteland. It was good, not great--but it was me, and mine--it was who I was and not who I any longer am--but it was.

I wonder sometimes if I will ever again find that child-like romantic who was still just crazy enough to believe that anything was possible. I don't know, but I would hate to think that this too was lost to the sorrows, trials, and sufferings due to infertility and loss.

I used to have a sense of humor, I made people laugh--and that made me feel good. I used to be so many things before I became a lab rat, and a slave to trying to conceive. After that all of the seemingly good things that protected me, and helped me get through the hard parts was gone. I was exposed to the realness--and it hurt, and still does.

I do not consider myself a very deep person--I never did, but I always took pride in that there were things about me that I liked not sharing with others. My secret garden so to speak. All of that came to an end when everything in my garden died and never came back. When I tried to replant anything it died too. It is something in the soil. Some thing that refuses life, and joy and growth.

It is 5:19am and I am going to get a cup of coffee, and watch the sunrise. Eggless Wonder signing off.

Another Month

Well--here I go again, this is where everything gets all blurry for me. I feel AF about to rear it's ugly head, and nothing that I can do about it. My poor Dh tries to comfort and understand--but to me it is just another few days when it feels like my body is laughing at me. She who laughs last, laughs best. So true.

I have seriously thought about--and I must say that I still am, seriously considering so way of stopping IT. I am not sure if anyone else can understand. These years have been so hard on me. Just to wake up and know that I have to face another 3 days of cramping, tears, hormones--period is just getting bigger than I am.

In my mind I feel as though there is a light at the end of this very dark tunnel, but there isn't. I feel like it would be so much better for my heart if I didn't have to deal with a monthly cycle that is basically of no use whatsoever. There will be no ovulation, there will be no positive pregnancy test. There will be nothing but another reminder of loss.

I thought for a while that it would just stop all alone--and that would have been just fine by me. Instead, like so many other things in my life it is just another way that life has thrown me the curve--and another strike out.

How do you begin to heal,, when my stupid body just will not close this chapter. There is really no hope of my doctors helping me. They say I am healthy(if they only knew) and very reluctant to chance the course of things. I HATE how I feel about living in my own skin. Not about who I am, but how I am. It is just another vicious circle in a life full of them.

I want to cry, but that does little good as it is not going to stop anything. I have prayed and ask the Lord to take this monthly turmoil from me. I simply do not understand. ( I sound crazy right now--because I am.) After all of the shots, and U/S, and money spent, and lost--there is nothing to show for it but my period. How crazy is that?

With every month, there is a VERY FALSE sense of hope. Even though I know that I can't be there is the primal part of me that so longs for hope and is so starved for it that, that very deep part of my mind hopes that it will not come even visualizing that there could be by some miracle just a little left for me. Something to hold on to. Some reason to believe. Laughable I know.

I don't know how much longer my poor heart can bare up under this tremendous sadness, and living in a constant state of loss. That is the most hurtful thing. I just want it to stop--period the end.

Life In Seconds

That is how I have to live. I have found that I cannot use time in the conventional sense because it is just too depressing. Every second gets me through the next minute, and from there it becomes a blur. I feel like sometimes I have no real sense of time anyway. It means nothing to me, it is only there to mark the silence, sadness, and heartache.

I have found that if I live for the moment there is another to fill, so I have decided to live in seconds. A second will pass and not be missed, an hour goes by and we are looking for some sign that we have done something meaningful, or said something profound. A day ahead of us, and we seek to fill it with something that will make it memorable, but it like many others will fall away wasted, and lost. A week passes, and we are asking ourselves--"where does the time go?". A month and we a filling a three ring binder with all that we simply HAVE to do in the next 30 days. A year and there are goals and resolutions for the next year, but what have we done with the many thousands of seconds that make up the hours, days, weeks, months, and years of our lives. Absolutely NOTHING!

So with every second there is a missed opportunity to make someone happy. Say a prayer. Think about someone we miss. Pick up the phone--just to say hi. Pet your dog, or cat. Wave to a neighbor. Watch the sun rise. Listen for a singing bird. All that to say, are we really so busy that everything is so important that it must have a specific hour, or day tagged to it?

Living in seconds is easier for me. If I can make it through the day without thinking about how many hours have passed that I wasn't able to do something or if I coulda-woulda-shoulda--done something I feel pretty okay. if I make my bed, or mop a floor, or take a nap after some quiet contemplation--no biggie. It was only a few seconds anyway........

Coming To Terms

That is so much easier said than done. I was just lying in my warm bed with my husband snoring softly beside me--and as I began to drift off to sleep the events of the day drifted back to mind. Funnny how that happens. My youngest sister brought her 3 children over this morning because she has no one else to help when her husband works on weekends and she does at times as well. There is a 1 year old, a 4 year old, and 11 year old.

I love them all dearly, but when they come for a visit it breaks my heart all over again. The baby calls me MaMa. It is laughable because she knows her mother--but it does something to my heart. It pulls at that most delicate part of me. She is beautiful, the biggest brown eyes, and the way she smiles when she sees me. It is innocence at it's purest. she follows me around and clings to me. She laughs when I tickle her--and she loves to snuggle next to me to nap.

The older two could care less as long as they have food and a TV they are fine, but there is something about that sweet little voice that drags me down. When they leave--the house is so quiet and lonely. That makes it a very sad place to be. Learning how to recover means that I would have to separate myself from those few special moments when the laughter of children makes our house a home. I do not know how I can do that when I jump at the chance to have them close, and answer the childish questions, and to settle their little tiffs. It is just so quite when they are not here.

My husband and I are pretty quiet people. There are times when we have to find each other to make sure that neither has left the house. That is a sad place to be. Besides that I am wondering how I can come to terms with something that I have known. I know what it feels like to be pregnant. To hold a newborn, (not my own, but you get the picture.) to have hope that maybe there was enough left for just one more miracle.

I hate to be such a gloomy person--but this is the only place where I have the freedom to be just how I feel, and to say it without any judgement. There are days when I just need to cry--today will be that day. I miss being called MaMa, even if it isn't my child. I miss her little warm face pressed close to mine. She gives the best hugs of anyone I know--because they are real and comforting, and not out of pity, but love. They are innocent, and just right with everything in this wrong world.

Coming to terms with some things are much easier than others. Like the passing of both of my parents, I knew that day was coming. You don't ever want to think about those things but you spend all of your adult life preparing yourself for the day when your parents will no longer be with you. This is something entirely different though. How do you bring yourself to the point where you are okay with not having the one thing that you have come so close to? How do you even begin to understand how to live without it--even though you already do? I know that is a real twister there. I am in a place where I just feel like G-D forgot about me. Like everything that I have done in my life that was good has been forgotten. I feel like even though I see and know of others who get their miracles everyday, that He just does not see fit to bless me. my sacrifices have counted for nothing, and everything that I have believed has been in vain. How do you come to terms with that?

AFTERTHOUGHT: There was a young lady that we helped out of a bad situation--(abusive relationship) and before she left our home she offered to have a baby for us. I foolishly dismissed needing such help. Now I wish that we had considered her offer. I know that it might never have happened, but it is the things that might have been that haunt us the most.

Just Thinking

Once again we are coming up on the holiday season, and I just cannot bring myself into the light of it all. I always feel like the oddball--beside that my heart just isn't in it.

I was looking through the comments, and I found one about adoption. We have gone through so much--and have considered adoption. We even went to fostering classes, we did not get very far because of my husband's past--divorce issues. He did not have a very nice ex-wife and she loved to call the police on him. Even though all charges were dropped and he has not had anything more than a parking ticket in 10 years they still would not allow us to go through the county to even foster.

Researching adoption has been a trying experience for me. My husband has excellent benefits for domestic and foreign adoption. We would get 10,000 of our monies returned to us through his benefit plan, but we just don't have that kind of money. We have also looked into embryo adoption, but once again we were stumped before we even got out of the gate.

It is so hard for me, for my heart--for the mother in me to accept that we have no viable options. It is hard enough that we can't foster but to think that we can't even adopt embryos is just painful.

What gets me into trouble is that I think on things. I spend hours at night Googling everything that I can--to no avail. I feel like maybe if there were something that I could do I would feel better. Everyone wants money--which I hate to say is in high demand but in short supply.

I feel like every door has been slammed our faces, and there is nothing that we can do about it. I feel like the mother in me is longing--weeping--seeking children that will never be. I feel trapped in that hollow place in my heart--where all the love I have to offer is left to wither and die in the shriveling place that was meant for my children to grow.

My empty womb feels like an open wound, a constant reminder of how dark a place it is with nothing to shelter in it's welcoming secret darkness. Nothing but a monthy pain to remind me of how unworthy I am to carry my own offspring. To revel in the small joys of pregnancy. To tear up with the expectancy--to know a heartbeat besides my own.

Punishment is many different things to different people. This is true punishment, of mind, body, and soul. The kind of deep suffering that lingers long after the hopes and wishes have been stolen away. Long after the heart has settled into the constant state of grief--and the soul aches even when you know that it is over. Some punishment is deep and lasting--painful beyond words without outward scars of proof.

I was just thinking--how happy I can be for others, yet so sad for myself. I joy in the birth of a new baby as if it were my own--but I am careful to keep my distance. Afraid that I may say something or hold the child for too long.

I remember the first time that I ever saw a baby born. It was just after my first loss. There was a young lady that I worked with and she did not have anyone else. I went--stayed with her walked with her and comforted her. I tear up everytime that I think about that day. It is as if it were just yesterday. When the baby was born. I cried, not like someone who has witnessed a miracle, but like someone who has lost a miracle. I remember the nurse looking at me and seeing the hurt. I don't think that anyone had to that point. She swaddled that sweet little girl up and put her in my arms. I could not speak or think or barely breathe, it was such a gift to hold her before her own mother did and something that I will never forget. I so wanted that for myself. Coming to terms with never having such an awesome experience will never happen, but I am so glad that it does for others. Even through my hurt and suffering I would never wish on another the lack of children.

That was in Feb of 96, in Aug of that same year I helped my sister deliver her first and held him before she did as well--but there is nothing like walking out of a hospital room with the sweet smell of a newborn in your mind, and empty arms. It affects everything in your life. I have done it for all of my sisters. I have loved--and still love their children but my life is different, and I cannot change that.

Thank You

I just wanted to say thanks for the lovely comments left for me. It is a real comfort to know that I am not alone. You all touched my heart and it is a rare thing when someone knows how you feel.

Being alone in a family full of women who have never had to cry, and long and struggle to get pregnant--I always felt like I was alone, even though I knew that I wasn't. Being able to write about what I am going through--besides in a notebook is so helpful.

I am baking again, which is a good sign. Today--tollhouse cookies, and home made bread. My husband will be so surprised. It is nice to feel a little more like myself these days--even with bronchitis. Now I have to think about what I will make for dinner...

Many thanks once again for even reading my ramblings. Please forgive the typos. I am on some heavy meds and I cannot be held responsible for how this turns out;)

Guilt Trip

I am not feeling too well--I think I have a touch of bronchitis. Not fun :( Then there is the pain, which is a constant. I got a phone call from my MIL yesterday--most of which I spent in the bed. She asked if there was anything that I needed and if she could do anything for me. By the time I was saying good-bye I could here her choking up a little. I really did not need that.

For so long everyone thought that I was kidding our attention seeking when I told them how badly I was hurting. No one believed me. I even had a surprise visit Saturday from my SIL. She never comes by here! What is going on. I am guessing that they have gone on a guilt trip and want for me to come along. Sorry not interested.

I have my husband, and he helps me. It has been just the two of us since we got married, and I would just as soon like to keep it that way. I do love them, but I am not in the place right now where they can do anything for me, and when they could they didn't--so why now?

They have known our situation about our struggle with infertility, and they have not done anything. My MIL even told me one day that I would never have children, and laughed in my face. So to me all of the belated emotions are all but a wash to me. I have to contend with pain everyday. My mind is a virtual whirlwind most of the time, and I do not have room for other people's mess.

If I have to be here by myself--it is better that I not have them around. I don't like pity. I have no need for it. I just wanted to be heard, and needed, and loved, they could not help me then--and they can't help me now.

I just feel so strange with their being all sweetness now. Where were they when I needed them most. I will not sat that they haven't been there at all--they have been. I just feel like when they should have been there they haven't been. They don't really talk to me, so all of the sudden attention bothers me.

Holidays For The Mother Of Lost Children

To me there are no holidays, at least not any that I really care to celebrate. There are always children and growing bellies, not my most favorite time. I prefer to stay at home cook, and enjoy reading or just smoozing the day away.

I know that my husband enjoys being around his family. My family is pretty much nonexsistant since my parents died in 2006. I don't think that I have really ever gotten to know my sisters in a way that would keep us together. We have all gone our separate ways and it is not ok, but I would much rather not be around them due to issues that I have with my eldest sister. Everyone meets in my home town (Greensboro, N.C.), or should I say the ones that have children. I have never been invited, I am guessing because I do not have children. I think the other reason is because my eldest sister has a baby by the man that I dated before I met my husband.

I have never felt wanted by them anyway, unless there was some thankless job that needed doing. Don't get me wrong I do not have Cinderella syndrome, but I always felt left out. Even with my husband's family I have always been less than welcome, just tolerated. It is just not easy being me. I should have lost my mind a long time ago. Maybe I have. I have heard that crazy people are always the last to know that they are.......:)

It is also the holiday season that bothers me because of my losses. My first on Dec.31,1995. I remember waking up on that New Year's Day, and thinking that my whole year would be a succession of losses. I was right, it was, but that is a story best told on another day. My most recent loss Oct.21,2007, it feels like the only thing that I have to look forward to on holidays are the anniversaries of losses. Not to mention the failed IVF in Feb. of this year.

I guess I am just tired of babies, and baby talk. Not in the sense that I do not like them, just that none of them are mine and I have nothing to share but my grief, and no one wants to hear about that. I feel so raw emotionally and you know how it is when you expose raw flesh to the elements. It stings, and sometimes becomes infected. You try to put ointment on it to sooth it and bandage it to keep it clean and dry. Then as soon as you see someone else holding your dream, you are exposed again. So I have decided for my sanity that if my husband wants to go he can go alone. I need to protect my broken heart and allow it time to heal to some degree, although I know that it will never really be as good as new.

I have have thought about doing something outwardly for my babies but I want to feel like they are still mine in my heart, in my most sacred place, and I do not want to share that with others. I still grieve almost 13 years now and I still remember that day. Time does not heal ALL wounds.

Worthy?

I look at my sisters, I have 3. They all have children, and they know what I have been through and what I am going through. I was wondering, do they love me as much as they say they do? People say that they love you all the time, but do they really mean it? To me love is more an action than a word. It means that you want to do something to help and you do it.

Here is why ask. I have been there for all of my sisters before and after both of my losses. I have rocked crying babies, and been there when there was no one else, sacrificed my time energy and heart. It didn't matter that my loss was still fresh and the wound still open. I changed my sister's newborn baby and cried behind the scenes because I knew that there was no one else to do it. I have kept children when I have been barely able to care for myself.

This happened right after my most recent loss. My husband dropped me off to get a haircut, and he went to my sister's house. He had a little talk with her about maybe helping with egg donation. Lord knows she has enough! She told him that she would talk it over with her husband and then she would get back to him. My husband came to pick me up and told me what he had done, and I have never been so touched by an act. I still tear up when I think about how much of a man it took to do such a thing. Needless to say that to this very day my sister still has not said yes or no. I mean I am not a hard person, and even when people hurt me I still do not mistreat them. So for me it was as if the question posed to her was so ridiculous that it did not even deserve a reply. I can take the truth. I have all of my life good, bad, or indifferent, I have handled it pretty well.

I just could not and still to this day I can't understand why we did not deserve an answer. Still when she calls no matter what the hurt or cost to me. I still have never told her that I just would not help her. If I couldn't that is something different, but just to not answer that is the most hurtful thing of all that I am not worthy of her help, and understanding.

I am learning that love does not mean the same thing to everyone. I am learning that people say that they wish there were something that they could do, but when the time comes, they will call you a liar before admit that they said any such thing. I am learning to cry by myself. I do not want to see my husband hurting because I am hurting. I am learning that I will speak anyway, and understand that people are selfish and cruel. I am learning to bare this extraordinarily heavy burden alone. I am learning that love is not the same for eveyone. I have learned that not everyone gets a miracle.

Just Getting By

That Is how it feels most days. Like I am just getting by. I was thinking today, crazy I know. I almost felt like I could see myself in this deep dark hole where I could just barely make out a pinhole of light above me. the more I tried to get out the deeper I got. I know that sounds too much like depression, but not so. It is loss, and grief, sadness, pain (both physical and emotional). It was all of those things.

I believe that each and everyone of us has a hole in our lives, that hole can be the lack of something that we missed out on growing up, or a trauma in our later years, or even too much of something, but we all have a hole. I have not yet found a way to navigate mine. All I know is that it sux to have to live somewhere in someplace where no one understands you. Like being the only English speaking person in a room full of Chinese. It is uncomfortable, and you always feel like you stick out like a sore thumb no matter how you might try to fit in. You are still in that hole, that place where you are all alone with yourself, and even though you would like for people to understand they just can't, won't.

Maybe I should, could say it a little better: I wanted so much for my life, not in the way of wealth or fame, nothing like that. Just the simple things that make us the happiest. The things that cost nothing, but are priceless. The things like the birth of our children, sunset/rise on the beach, cool rain on our faces, the first touch of Autum, and the surprisingly bright first white blanket of snow.

Of all these things, none more wonderous, beautiful, memorable, or priceless than watching someone that sprang from love grow into a human being. That we are blessed to have charge over, to love and nurture. for those of us who long for and have not yet known that marvelous thing, it is unspeakable the sorrow that we carry. Searching all that life has to offer, and yet never finding the equal.

To see all of life's beauty and to have all of life's wisdom and understanding is nothing. To bring life beyond one's own is a miracle. The only one that we are capable of in our lowly flesh, and all of knowledge and wisdom outside of G-D himself cannot compare.

We know that life is full of suffering and sadness, these things we will endure, but to take the basis of who and what we are as humans, that leaves us pitiful indeed. If we could not meet and agree in love, faith, and the hope that there is something greater with these things than without them. Through that covenant bring forth life, then how sad a state are we in?

I have had so many tell me, "Don't give up, it well happen for you." and how would they know? It is all in effort to avoid the subject and to not acknowledge the suffering of a mother never to be.

We are so quiet about so many things today, and that is why they still happen. There have been times when I have been made to feel like a leper amongst my own family. No one wanted to hear, and I needed to be heard.

Infertility is not a disease that you catch by contact like the chicken pox. It is simply the voice of a mother longing for her dream. Crying for the children lost, and even more for the one that will never come. Yet are we so selfish and greedy that we seek to fulfill that need at a cost? What about the cost to a woman who cannot afford the desperately desired treatment for a family that she and her mate alone cannot make?

That woman is me. I am 36 and my husband 43 and at this point there is nothing that I can do. I have lost 2 children, one in 1995 by way of ectopic pregnancy, I also lost my right tube. One in 2007, and my left tube. I went through IVF in early 08 and found that I have Low ovarian reserve, and virtually no chance of ever having children without donor eggs.

I was just rambling. Sometimes that is good for the soul. Or at least I hope it is or I am in real trouble. Until next time........