Trusting and Believing

I have been through so much in the past few months that I cannot number the times when I truly felt like God had forgotten about me.

I am learning through this experience that in order to trust someone anyone, you have to have faith, and that is where I faultered. It was not God, it was me. I allowed my faith in Him to become so low that I wondered if He even cared at all.

The most amazing thing though is that even though I had so little faith, He still loves me enough to show Himself to me through others. So many acts of kindness, and contact with my family. My sisters are coming today to see me. We have not all gotten together since the the death of my parents 3 years ago.

He is carrying my through this and I have no other choice but to believe that all things work together to His great and mighty will, even in my wreched exsistance He has shown great grace and mercy towards me and for that I am grateful.

Doctor's Update: I am going in Monday the 20th for a myleogram which will show where the compression on my spinal cord is, and shorthy thereafter I will have surgery. I am sure that this is not the way that I would have chosen to truly allow His will in my life to show itself, but it is His will and not my own. It is His grace and mercy that has gotten me this far.

I am reading a book loaned to me by a close friend called The Pilgrim's Progress. I am not sure of the author but i will post it as soon as I can. If you are a believer then this is a must read. I find so much of myself and my walk in common with the main character. So much of my short term memory is affected right now that if I do not write things down they are soon forgotten. Sorry about that.

All that to say this, I am blessed to be who and where I am. I am sure that it is His will for my life to have an awsome testimony. I long for healing and the grace to serve with a pure heart. I long to give Him the glory for all that He has and is doing for me. I am thankful.

I am trusting and believing.........

Until

I AM

I AM: Strong, I would have to be having been through so much and not having lost it all.

I AM: Weak, it does not take anything away from my strength, it just means that I am human.

I AM: Blessed, sometimes I do not say that enough--sometimes I don't believe it. But I am, more than I know.

I AM: Loved, because i am a child of the most high God. I am loved by people who do not even know me, and I am loved because He loves me.

I AM: Humbled by the encouragment of a young woman who I met through this blog, who more than anyone else has made me want to hug her many days and tell her I wish that she were not so far away. To tell her that she embodies all the things that I strive to become through this journey.

I AM: Learning that all of the things that I am does not lessen all the things that I will become. I am being molded and shaped, and that hurts. I am being changed daily and that is a very uncomfortable process.

I AM: Going to be better today than I was yesterday, and I am going to struggle, hurt, love, be loved, I am going to be humbled, and I am going to learn, but of all these things I am still going to be a child of a God who loves me, and because of that I am going to grow.

Focus

Is now on trying to live with pain and the constant feeling of not living but exsisting until that moment comes when I am once again under the knife. I still want children so badly that my heart aches constantly. It is an undertaking to do any small task and I am having to use a walker to move around my house.

I feel old and tired and sad, and more than anything useless. My husband has been a true rock through all of this and more man than I could ever have hoped for. The Lord has truly been good to me through my husband. Standing by me thrrough our battle with infertility has been so much more than I could ever have asked for. But for him to have to care for me in this way now is even harder for me to take.

I stay in a drug induced stupor most of the day, and when I am not I am in constant pain. April 15th cannot come soon enough. I want my life back, or at least what there was of it.

The longing for children in my life has not left even my dreams are filled with the hope that one day I may be a mother. I awake feeling like I don't know where or who I am. I still believe that if it is His will it will be done. Although my heart still aches.

That is all that I have in me right now, I am getting dizzy even now as I type this. I do not know when or if I will blog anytime soon as I cannot sit up for long. I am thinking of you all.....

Amy

April 15th

Is the big day, I finally meet my surgeon. I suspect that my situation was bad enough tha instead of the July 7th appointment that they had set for me they were able to get me in much sooner.

I have been so doped up as of late I have not been much of a blogger or much at keeping up wih those blogs that I follow. For that I am so sorry.

On the infertility front, nothing new, just really sad. I am so not looking forward to life without children. There were so many things that I wanted to be able to teach them. I wanted to show them how to hatch baby chicks. That was one of the best things that my dad showed us how to do and we were so amazed. I loved that he gave me the love of all things growing and nature itself.

I must also mention that I am mre than tired of the "mother" of these poor little babies making a name for herself and people like me and so many others get theown in a dark room and forgotten about. i am no longer watching Dr. Phil because he has just flooded his shows about this so called mother and her issues.

I am just sick to death of the whole saga. I hope that one day these kids grow up and find out what the rest of the world already knows about their "mother", that she is a lost, selfish, ignorant, hot mess. That is my toast to her.

I know so much of this is the drugs talking, but I am tired of being infertile!!!!! I want children too I want for someone to recognize that you are not infertile if you have 6 pregnancies through IVF one of them with 8 babaies! I want someone to know how much it cost for someone even with insurance to have a treatment! I want them to know that there is no help for someone who cannot afford donor eggs!

I want someone to hear me! I am infertile. This woman used the system and all of her wiles to get what she wanted! I can't get any help at all. I can't even adopt and this nut case can have 14 children. Give me a break! And if her Father bought a 500,000 house I will kiss the but of the monkey that the money came from. that house was bought off the backs of these poor babies.

Can you tell that I am sick of it? I need help too, we all do. We need fair treatment. We need someone to bring us on a show and ask us how they can help us.

THE END>

Really Bad News.....

For the past couple of days I have been have the worst pain I have felt since my loss. I ranted and raved until I was finally called back by my neurologist. I am now on even more powerful pain meds, and I was told today that I will have to have surgery or I will be looking at a life of being paralyzed.

The doc told me that the report from the MRI that I had in October did not do justice to my condition. His exact words were that my neck is in "horrible", shape. I am glad that someone finally believes that there is something truly wrong after years of hearing that it was all in my head. I am not however looking forward to another very painful, very involved surgery. I have to do it though I cannot take the pain anymore. I am on the type and enough meds now to knock a horse over, and it is doing nothing for the actual pain. So on to bigger and better things.

I should be sleeping right now, but I cannot sleep more than an hour or two. If I shift an inch or two I am awake. Tomorrow I will have the new meds and I know that I will be out of it most of the time, but I have no choice. It is either be zonked out of my mind or suffer horrendous pain. I will take being zonked thank you...

I am not sure if or when I will post again. I will be having my surgery soon, but I will look in on you all from time to time.

Much love and peace to you all, until....

The Realization.....

That I am not going to have children does not stop my heart from longing. It is one of those things that makes you wonder who you are and where you belong in this world. I know things that I wish I had never learned. Losing your innocence in such a way takes so much more than your innocence. It takes a tremendous toll on the way that you view your world.

It takes your dreams and hopes and makes them as though they never were. It makes your life incomplete. There is only one thing besides the Lord that can fill that void, and that is a child.

I don't really feel like blogging, or much of anything else. I am having one of those spells where everything hurts, and not just my body. I am not sad, just hurting. I will be 37 in just over 2 weeks and looking back at another year where I will not be a mother brings that old feeling of loss again.

I am sure that I will get over it all eventually, I just don't know what else I can do to fix what is going on right now. I wish that those thoughts just simply would not come, but they do. Feb. is the month that we found out that I was not going to be able to have children without donor eggs. It seems as though it were only yesterday. Even when I find myself not thinking about anything having to do with my situation, it just creeps up on me. It is hard to life with the fact that I am less than. I was never mean to have children.

I was 25 when I became pregnant the first time. I was beyond devastated with that loss. Not to mention the fact that I almost died. There was nothing that I could do about it then and there is nothing that I can do about it now. But that does not make it hurt any less. Just the thought that the failures I have suffered over the years have driven home the fact that there was something wrong with me from the very beginning that no one saw.

All of the doctors, testing, trying, tears, nothing has done any good. My husband cmae home the other day and told me that a lady that he works with who got pregnant with her second IVF. Matter of fact we met at the RE's office. I digress, anyway he told me that she had her second baby that she got pregnant without intervention and just returned to work. I suppose that he tells me these things to help me to keep hope alive for us, but it isn't working.

I know that there is not a thig that I can do to change what has happened, but I still feel like I should have at least been able to give my husband at least one child.

Baby Blues

Not depressed, just a little blue. Today is one of those days where I am feeling the loss. I don't really feel too terrible, just wanting to be a mother. My sisters children just won't do on a day like today. I still want a child of my own.

The understanding that me + having a baby just won't happen is very real today. I know that it will go away eventually, but it is still a very hard thing to deal with. I think that I will go to the Library today and pick out a book or two. Maybe that will take my mind off of the "No Baby Blues".

I love my husband so much, but he still feels like there is a chance that we still might be able to afford donor eggs. My concerns are that even though we have the eggs and I am able to conceive, how would I carry a baby with my health issues? I think that thinking about his feelings about all of this has me in this mood. He wants a baby as badly as I do. I just do not believe that it is a reality for me.

Oh brother, it seems like whenever I take one step forward I am set back 2 more. It makes me think again of all that I am lacking. Not to mention the financial climate, and the simple fact that trying anything while I am in the midst of issues with my body would be a disaster. We have talked, and though I really try to avoid that particular conversation, I cannot deny him the right to express how he feels about having children. I can't even fault him for not wanting to give up. I just feel so sad for him. He is a very good man, and a loving and caring husband.

In other news, I talked to one of my sisters, who since my parents passed and she decided to return to her VERY abusive boyfriend we have not spoken very often. We used to be so close, and were able to talk about everything. Well, she told me that she might have uterine cancer, and may have to have a hysterectomy. I would like to ask that if you know the words of prayer, please pray for her and her children.

My other sister the one who has a child with my ex is getting married to him in August. I am not sure what to think about all of that. I don't have any feelings for him, but it is out of concern for my sister that I worry. I know what kind of man he is. More importantly I know what kind of man he isn't.

Going Through, and Stepping out into the Marvelous Light

It is a part of life, and sometimes (more often than not in my case) that means going through over and over again. I must admit though that I am not trapped by the sad thoughts like I have been. I am learning to live with what I have been dealt and that is a good thing.

I will not lie and say that it doesn't hurt because it does, but 13 years is a long time and I have to move from this place or I will not grow. I feel like I am leaving my babies behind in a way. It is an odd feeling. I know that I will always love and miss them, but I also cannot continue to live like I have been. I want to know who I am again. I used to love to read and thanks to my lovely bloggy friend Stacey I am getting that stirring again. She by the way has truly been an inspiration to me, she is more powerful than she will ever know--and humble to boot. Her words do more good than she could ever imagine, and her kindness to me has gone a long way. I am thankful for her and the precious women who have left their thoughts and offers of prayers here. Thankful indeed.


Going through does not mean that you are always suffering, it just means that you are just "going through" a rough patch, and when you are past it you can go on. I feel like going on. I must admit that I am not a physically well person, but there is nothing wrong with my mind, and I can still love, help, and be helped. I used to go to the SA and help out there too. It made me feel needed. It made me feel like if one more person was able to accept Christ because of something that I said or did I was blessed too.

I can't do that anymore, but I am sure that if I put my mind to and my heart in it I can find a way to help. I am trying to say thank you for finding me when I was lost Jesus. Thank you for sending your angels to guide me out of this very sad dark place in my life. Thank you Lord for hearing me when I could not hear you.

You all have supported me so much more than you will ever know. Okay tearing up now time to go...... Thanks again.....

It Had To Happen

I knew that it would, my neice has stopped calling me mama, and now calls me Amy. It hurts a little, because I know that it will be the only time that I will hear it. I am a little sad. I know that I will never hear it from my own children, and hearing it even from my sister's child made me feel whole in a way.

I think that is the best way to explain it. I feel like even though I am coming to terms with not having children, it is still a challenge to have them around all of the time. I just wish sometimes that they didn't have to leave. My days are hard, but harder still that my house becomes quite once again after they leave.

I am having one of those days where the physical pain is overshadowing the emotional pain, I am without my morphine until the 17th because of insurance making me send it into a mail order company. I do not know if I will be posting for a while, just because I am not feeling well.... I will check in from time to time....

I Just Had To Say......

***I would like to edit this and say that I heard all of this on GMA this morning. I do not normally watch but it was on after my hubby left for work and I ended up hearing what I am commenting on in this post***That this woman who just had eight babies is a complete nut case!!! Not to mention the doctor that she probably paid with the hard earned money of other Americans who are having a hard time paying their own bills. I am outraged that a man who took an oath to do no harm would even consider such an outrageous thing. I find it even harder to believe that he did not know that there was something not quite right about this woman that he was treating. He was there and checked on each pregnancy. I also think that he was looking for some kind of recognition, albeit not this kind. I think that through this he was hoping to boost his fertility practice even more. I cannot see how this is not harmful.... To the children that were already here, and the new babies that have a mother who is to say the least not in touch with reality. This doctor had to know that there was some issues with this woman who obviously has no intention of taking responsibility for these 14 little children who have had no choice in this matter at all..... This woman is the reason why some who don't know any better look down on ART.


I feel like there should be more interviews with women like us who have been fighting for all that we are worth to try and have children through IVF. Now there is going to be those ignorant people who think that this is what women who have tried for years to have children are aiming for... This woman had used the system in a horrible way. She had been on disability for a back injury!!!!! Give me a break PLEASE!!! If she had a back injury how did she carry six pregnancies?!?! Not to mention that one was with 8 count em 8 babies....

I am not disputing the fact that she loves her children, but I would like to know that our tax dollars are really at work. I would like to see her investigated and brought up on charges of fraud. That is what she did. She stole from the system, and in my opinion she still is.

I am just sick. I feel like people like this young woman make it harder for those who need IVF for the right reasons. My thoughts are that she really had no fertility issues--and she used donor sperm instead of getting a husband. She is a real sicko!!! She is one of those people who needs to get a job and have to do what the rest of us do.... Work for it.... I am wondering if this is the same doctor who diagnosed her back injury? I also wonder how those babies are being cared for if not by the welfare system...... I would like to have been a fly on the wall when she told her parents that she was having another 8 babies. She doesn't support the ones she has and the fact that her mother said that she spends the money that she does get on toys for the children, and does not help with household expenses. She also gets 490.00 per month in food stamps. I wonder how much she will be getting now... To be honest I do not know how she got any help at all see how she used IVF to get pregnant in the first place. I can't get any help at all and I am one of those who truly needs it. Our system stinks when it comes to investigating all of these women. I also feel like since she is such a good liar that she more likely than not lied about how she conceived in order to get the assistance.


OK I had to vent a little, maybe alot. But I just don't feel like it is fair that she can do whatever she wants and everyone is paying her and she has a publisist!! I also think that this was her plan all along to get rich off of her children, and I really feel sorry for those poor babies who really don't stand much of a chance with this woman as a mother.... I also believe that she knew that once this went public that she would have to answer to someone about all of the money that she took for a non-exsistent back injury. She had to think quick and so she came up with keeping her mouth shut until she got the money that she wanted for her interview, which to me was no more than a nicely packaged bundle of LIES..... OK I am now stepping down from my soapbox..... I pray that these children, and new babies have all that they need and all the love they deserve. It is sad the life they will endure because of thier mother, they will always be in the spotlight, and the thought of how they will be looked at by other children. I don't think that she thought this out to well, but then thinking does not seem to be high on her list of priorities.

A Little Peace....

Today is not so bad. I would like to say thank you for the prayers. They do change things. I feel like I have a firm grip on my reality today. It may be short lived but for today it feels kinda good.

I may never have children, but at least I am on the road to finding out why. I think that one of the reasons why I have taken all of this so hard is because I have blamed myself for all of these years. I hope that my heart is truly beginning to heal, and I can move from this place with a new perspective on life and how I manage mine. Even with the pain, I am sure that the added stress of what I have been going through with infertility has not helped much, but today is good.

I have not said or much less felt that in a very long time. I am a firm believer in prayer. I feel in my heart and know in my mind that someone has been praying for me. Your prayers, thoughts, and well wishes, have not fallen on deaf ears.

Mind you I am not 100% but I feel better than I have in a long time, and for that I am thankful.... I know that there will be days when I feel my world crumble, but for today it isn't and it is good for the soul.........


Once again, thank you for your prayers, your thoughts, and more than anything for the love of God in you, because it has made a difference to me......

Amy

Oh Well....

That was the longest appointment I have ever been to. I waited for 3 and 1/2 hours then we were with the doctor for another 1 1/2 hours.... So here is the scoop.. I may have celiac's disease wich may be one of the causes for my infertility. that can be fixed with dietary changes, and I also am going to some brain wave test, and nerve stimulation testing.

I am not looking forward to any of this but if it will give me some answers as to why I have not been able to have children, and why i lost the 2 that I did become pregnant with I will be okay with that. I also do not think that we will be going to New York. As of right now they are saying that my neck is in REALLY bad shape. I may need surgery. Which I am even more afraid of.

I am now also on a new med, it is a man made version of a nerve impulse chemical. I have not read up on it yet but I plan to. I am hoping that it will help with lot of the nerve pain that I am having, and the lower back pain.

Well, that is it for now. I am hoping for some answers soon....

Doctor App. Today

Well depending on the outcome of my appointment today with the neurologist, I will know if we are truly going to New York or not. I must admit that it is not looking too good for me right now.

Yesterday it was nice. My husband and I had a fire going and we had a chance to talk about some things and one of them was the IVF that seemed to be hanging over my head for the past couple of months. He helped me come to terms with some things that I have been struggling with. I don't feel so bad now if we aren't able to go, as I was not looking forward to it in the first place.

It is still going to be a challenge with the idea of not ever having children, but like so many things in my life I have learned to live with I will live with this too. I hope. This journey has been so hard on me, and I am not talking for just a few months or years but 13 long and trying years that I have had my legs cut from under me more than once.

So with everything that is going on with my body causing stress the thought had crossed my mind more than once that this IVF would be a failure too.

I have my appointment at 2:30, and it could take a while but I will update as soon as I get back.

Looking Back

Looking back on these 13 years of infertility and loss, I have wondered how I learned to live without being able to have children for so long. The truth is that I haven't. I am still very much feeling like I was just told that I would not have children without the help of another woman and many thousands of dollars. Both of which I do not have.

I do have a husband who loves me so much. I have a home that I am comfortable in. Just yesterday we finished installing my much wanted wood stove. I have always loved the comfort and warm of a wood fire. It brings back so many of the chldhood memories of sitting around the old wood stove that my father made. My childhood was not a very happy one, but I did find joy and good memories in the cold winter night that we would cook on lay around the family room watching my mom crochet.
My dad would be in his old ragged recliner dozing. It was quiet and peaceful.

I am thankful for the few that follow this blog and for the precious comments that make a bright spot in my sometimes very painful days, both physical and emotional.

For that I am thankful and blessed beyond words. You know who you are. You don't know what you mean to me, or what you have done to help me begin to heal. I cannot tell you, but I will say that you have been like sisters to me. Thank you......

Please Jesus....

Help me find peace in this place of sorrow and constant loss pain, and memories.

Help to seek the understanding that even good people suffer constantly, and that there is a reward at the end of this life.

Help me to laugh again with my whole heart.

Help me to find you even though I cannot see you.

Help me to feel you even though all I feel is pain right now.

Help me to love myself.

Help me to grieve.

Help me to live.

Help me to find comfort in your arms.

Help me.

Amen

I Almost Forgot The Best Part....

So I was on the phone with my SIL who is a surgical nurse and I was asking her about the meds that I am on.... Out of nowhere she says, "Now aren't you glad that you didn't have a baby with all this going on." WHAT?????? She above all should understand how much we have been through and how much it has hurt me. She should know how long I researched IVF, and asking questions and nurses that she works with who had gone through it....

Where do people get their nerve???? That may be the reason for the feelings over the past few days. I was just sitting her and kinda blubbed a little trying not to let the children see that I was upset. Thank God for Dora the Explorer.


It felt like she was using the fact that I am infertile to throw just one more dart in my heart. I am one who forgives, but the hurt is never forgotten. It takes a long time for me to heal from such offenses. I was thrown off balance. I still have not recovered.

I do not htink that I will talk to her for a while if ever again now. Not out of anger, but fear of being told such things again. Their life goes on and mine is at a stand still there is no sympathy or understanding.

I am done, stick a fork in me done!

So Blessed....

I wonder if people know truly how blessed they are. At a point in my life I would be overjoyed to be in the Dreaded Two Week Wait. I want to hope, but really what good would it do? It would not change my situation, and it would only add to the overwhelming stress that I already have.

My situation is that I do have a period every month....

My situation is that even though I have a cycle I have no eggs....

My situation is that even if I had working ovaries I would not have any tubes....

My situation is that even with IVF there is no promise that I will make even one egg....

My situation is that there will be no good news or bad news....

My situation is that I am where I will likely remain for the rest of my life, in limbo.....

I know that I am posting like a nut today, but I am have a clear day today and in need of a Vicodin so I have to get it all out and down so that I don't forget. I know that for the most part I am a gloom and doom kinda girl.... But I have to be realistic or I would not be able to function. It is a constant thought that I am just in a place where I can't go left or right, up or down. I am stuck.....

I just want to be whole again. I would do so many things differently. I would have begun this process so much earlier in my life. I know that there would still be no promises but I would not have taken my fertility for granted the way that I have.

I am sure that most women to some extent think that they can wait and that by the time they are ready for children that it will just happen... I am here to tell you that in so many cases that is not the way that it goes.

There are times when I hate this body. I hate it..... I hate the way that I feel, and knowing that there will be another month where IT will show, and there is nothing that I can do to hide from it. I give up... I really do. There is not much fight left in me. I have lost so much, and what I have lost there is no getting back.... This cannot be all there is to life. Can it?

On My Birthday....

I've been thinking about birthdays and I am not sure that there is any one thing that I want. My birthday is March 14, which is the same day that my parent's wedding anniversary is on. It will definately be a day of reflection. I will miss my parents and celebrating with them.

It is unfortunate but my mind will also make some connection to my losses even though I know I will purposely try not to think on those things. It never fails. Although it will sound harsh to some. I really do wish that there were some way that I could forget. Not my babies, just the pain of losing them. I will never forget how much I have missed out on or how much I have lost.

I have longed for a moment when that was not the case. Every time I look at my sisters' children I am reminded of where my baby would be at in his or her developement. That is a very hard thing.

Back to birthdays. I am not looking forward to another year without children. I also think that with everything else going on in my life that this birthday will be just another day for me. I do not expect it to be a good one.

I always wanted children by the time I was this age. I do not think that it will ever happen. Even with the best medicine. That makes me sad. It hurts and I still long for those lost babies. I miss them so much. I think about the fact that right now I should be the mother to a 13 year old and a 6 month old. It is a very hard thing to remember, but even harder not to.

I am at a place where my heart is so torn. I just wanted so badly to be someone's mommy. To love a child that came from my husband and myself. I feel like I wanted so little. I will have a birthday this year. I will live to see another day, and it will mark another year of losses and suffering.

I wonder how much more of this will God allow. I hope not much more. I need some mercy. I need some joy. Some good thing that is just for me. Some small miracle, some glimmer of hope. I keep praying for these things and it seems the more I look for the good all I get is the pain of a sickened heart.

I'm done. Until......

Standing At The Crossroads

That is how I am feeling. I have finally found a neurosurgeon that will see me without a referral. With everything that is going on with my neck and back, and the meds that I am on--I just do not know how I am going to make it through another IVF and feel possitive about the outcome.

I think that I will wait and see what the neuro doc has to say before booking a flight to New York. It is important for me because I have always wanted children, but I also want to be well enough to take care of them. I do not know how I am going to face all of this and IVF too. My sweet husband wants children so badly, but I do not want to leave him with all of the work that will be involved in taking care of a new child and a wife that can do so little.

Add to everything that my heart just aches for children and finding out about my ovaries so soon after losing a pregnancy, and the disapointment of my last failed IVF and I just don't know how much more of this that my poor heart and mind can take.

I am also having issues with sleep again. Not as bad as before, but definately not good seeing that I have two little girls to take care of today. They require so much from me. It is not easy when I have had so little sleep and so much pain. also there has been another bout of stomach virus in my house which makes everything worse.

I think that it is time to sit down and have a real heart-to-heart with my hubby. I know that he will not understand all that I am going through--but he will try and stand by me no matter what happens. I just don't want to break his heart about this upcoming IVF. He is so excited about it and even though I would love to be able to give him the children that he so longs for but I also know the toll that it will take on my body and mind.

I am at the crossroads.

Today

Today the tears are just beneath the surface. Today, I don't know if I can stop them or if I even want to.

Today the sadness is great.

Today there is no particular reason for the sadness.

Today is just another day.

Today I do not have children, nor will I tomorrow.

Today I will scratch through, I will tomorrow too.

Today I will cry.

Today there will be no miracle.

Today there will be no hope.

Today I will hear somone else's child call me "mama".

Today I will care for a little one.

Today after 5:30pm my house will be silent again.

Today I will hurt.

Today I will have to take a pain pill to function. I will do the same tomorrow.

Today is just another day.

SNOW!!!! And other things

The 4inches of snow that fell yesterday was not much I know, but for us here in the south it was. It made me happy for the first time in a long time. I have not seen snow in years and it just made me feel good to be all snug and warm. To look outside and see the trees and bushes covered made me feel normal for at least a little while. You know when you look out at all that white it makes you feel like everything is new and clean. When you hear the joy of the neighborhood children as they play it brings a smile, and makes everything right with the world--at least for a little while anyway.

I also thought about my babies and how I missed them. I shed a few tears, as I honored their memory as best I could. It does give me joy to see other families grow and change. It is really all that I have. I love to see new babies, and the joy of the new parents as they give their little ones all the love that I long to lavish on my own children.

It is not a jealousy, just amazment. I have always loved children as long as I can remember I was always the first one to want to sit with the babies. I would rather do that than play outside. It is the one thing that I have always been good at. Ironic isn't it? I am so good at taking care of children, but unable to have any of my own.

I make sweaters, hats and booties for all the new babies around me, it makes me feel good to give them something made from love. I have always felt like babies should have something made by hand. They always come out so beautiful. I am surprised every time I make something and look at it. To me it always looks so much prettier than the one before.

My crochet comforts me. It keeps my hands busy, and I don't think about the losses, or the sadness, but I always wish that it was my baby I was making it for. But when I see it on the baby it makes me feel so good that I was able to see beyond my own hurt to give something from my heart to another.

I have alot of hurt and heartache, but life does go on. You just live through it. It changes things it really does. It changes who you are when there are no happy endings. I know that some who read here think that I am a bit on the crazy side. Maybe I am, but I hurt. I long for the children that I have waited for all of my life. As I get older and my chances decrease with every passing month I brings all of that sorrow to the surface. I just have not yet learned how to deal with it.

13 years is a long time to carry that around. It would be for anyone. I would never want for anyone to suffer what I have. I pray for each broken heart at the loss of a child. I pray that even if I never have my dream that everyone else does.

I am not an eloquent person, nor am I very profound. I might say something every now and again that goes deep. I just want for you all to know that I am thinking of you and praying for your hearts to be healed, and more than anything else for you to have the families that you dream of. To hold the dream in your hands. That is my prayer.

I Am Afraid

As if I don't have enough to think about. I am so afraid of letting my husband down with another failed IVF. I feel so betrayed by my body right now. What is even more frightening is that there is nothing that I can do about it.

I guess that is the reason that my heart just isn't in it. I just don't want to let my husband down. I have also decided that if this IVF ends without a pregnancy I am going to have a hysterectomy. My cycles are getting more and more painful. I have been having some problems, and I am feeling like my cycles are changing so I don't have much time left anyway.

The pain is almost unbearable and that is with the morphine and vicodin that I am taking for my other issues. I just don't think that I can take the pain much longer. Not only that but my cycle is also much less than it has ever been. I have always had very heavy cycles and now I am seeing that since my last failed IVF and the diagnosis of POF (premature ovarian failure) that my body has changed greatly.

I already have enough problems I am not sure that physically I can ride this thing out until it just stops if it gets anymore painful.

There are also days when I just sit and wonder what it was that I have done so horribly wrong to have to suffer infertility in this way. Everytime I have my monthly visitor I suffer all over again. I just don't know what else to do. There is just so little hope for my situation even with IVF, and I know this but my husband thinks that everything will be fine. I just can't share in his hope and enthusiasm.

I also feel really tired of it all. Believing for some miracle that will never come. Hoping that something will change and we may even have the hope of adoption. I am getting older and tired, and I am in pain all of the time. I am just tired of it all. I am tired of hoping and dreaming. I am tired of all the false hopes that people meaning well try to put into my head.

It just sticks there and grows roots, and causes heartache and hurt. I have just stopped going around anyone and staying at home and taking care of my sister's children. It amazes me that I can care for someone else's children but not for my own. I just don't understand why I am even here sometimes. M life is sad and lonely and just not good in any way.

I have nothing that is a part of me to share with this world. that is the saddest thing. When all that I have done for my nieces and nephews I cannot do for my own children. I am also getting angry and bitter and it feels like there is nothing that I can do except accept that I am never going to be more than I am right now. That is all that
I have . I am getting angry time to go.

Until.............

Tha FLU!!!! UUUUGGGGG

Just what I needed to make me feel even more horrible than I already do. The Flu hits me like a mac truck, and then guess who decides to make her appearance? AF early to boot. My poor husband has been so good to me, and has been taking care of me. I am blessed for that alone.

In other news March 9th is the big day we are going for our last IVF try in New York with New Hope Fertility. I have read up on them that they are doing good things for some women like me who have very few and immature eggs.. So if anyone has heard anything about them please feel free to let me know.

I am not at all hopeful, but my husband is really pushing for this last try and I just can't break his heart at this point. Although I would rather just suffer. I just do not know or believe that much of anything can or will be done.

We will go for the first appointment, and go from there. I talked to my family doctor about the meds that I am on and he said that they are safe during pregnancy but not sure about being safe during IVF. So I might just have to suffer, although I do not know how much good that would do as far as stress is concerned.

You all are the only people that I feel safe sharing this news with, so please say a little prayer with us that there is at least a little hope that it may work. This is our last chance.,

Invisible

That is how I really feel, just unseen, unheard and un-noticed. I like no one wants to hear me or listen to anything that I have to say. I am getting used to not saying anything. I feel like everytime that I do I am just brushed off like I was this morning.

I think that I have gotten used to being this way. No one really cares anyway. Why should I? I just don't know what else to do. That is all for now I guess. Nothing more to say.

Invisible

The New Year

For me the new year brought many new sad revelations. The most important one being that there will be no children. That there is nothing left but the dreams that I awake from all too soon. That the only person to call me mama will be my little niece until she learns better then that will end too.

I am not sure where I am, all I know is that it is not a very good place. I just feel my heart breaking all over again. The very worst part is that there is nothing that can be done to stop it. Heart break is all that I know, the pain is a constant companion. I just don't know what else to think or do. All I know is there is nothing more than where and what I am right now.

How do you move on? When all that you have are the dreams and they really make things worse, so you avoid sleeping as much as possible. When I do go to sleep I find that I don't want to wake up because I don't want to leave my dream babies. They really don't need me, but they are all that I have. Nothing more.

I truly don't know how much more I can take. How much more my mind can take. I am not sure of much of anything anymore except going through the motions.

I also think about Mother's Day, that there will be none for me. I feel kinda sad about that. The saddness seems bigger than me now and I know that the only way byond where I am is to become a mother. Yet seeing things as they are has given me the truth that there is no motherhood. At least not for me.

My babies will never be held in my arms, and I will never have the opprtunity to soothe their cries. I am angry too, and it has changed me. The way that I think and see things. GOD is a GOD that gives us a choice. I guess that some of my choices has deemed me unworthy of the most basic things in life. Like air and water we also need to procreate. That has been taken from me and GOD has not moved. I have my answer and there is nothing that I can do...

I begged and cried, and prayed and pleaded. The answer was another ectopic pregnancy and then another attempt at IVF. During that process the unveiling of my prematurely dying ovaries. How stupid am I? How many more tragedies can I take? If that wasn't an answer I don't know what was. I just wanted so badly to be pregnant. Not only was that taken from me, but also any chance that we might have had to adopt due to issues that my husband had with his ex-wife before we met.

I am defeated. Crushed. Devastated. To never carry a child in a womb that still works is a curse. That is what I am cursed.