The 4inches of snow that fell yesterday was not much I know, but for us here in the south it was. It made me happy for the first time in a long time. I have not seen snow in years and it just made me feel good to be all snug and warm. To look outside and see the trees and bushes covered made me feel normal for at least a little while. You know when you look out at all that white it makes you feel like everything is new and clean. When you hear the joy of the neighborhood children as they play it brings a smile, and makes everything right with the world--at least for a little while anyway.
I also thought about my babies and how I missed them. I shed a few tears, as I honored their memory as best I could. It does give me joy to see other families grow and change. It is really all that I have. I love to see new babies, and the joy of the new parents as they give their little ones all the love that I long to lavish on my own children.
It is not a jealousy, just amazment. I have always loved children as long as I can remember I was always the first one to want to sit with the babies. I would rather do that than play outside. It is the one thing that I have always been good at. Ironic isn't it? I am so good at taking care of children, but unable to have any of my own.
I make sweaters, hats and booties for all the new babies around me, it makes me feel good to give them something made from love. I have always felt like babies should have something made by hand. They always come out so beautiful. I am surprised every time I make something and look at it. To me it always looks so much prettier than the one before.
My crochet comforts me. It keeps my hands busy, and I don't think about the losses, or the sadness, but I always wish that it was my baby I was making it for. But when I see it on the baby it makes me feel so good that I was able to see beyond my own hurt to give something from my heart to another.
I have alot of hurt and heartache, but life does go on. You just live through it. It changes things it really does. It changes who you are when there are no happy endings. I know that some who read here think that I am a bit on the crazy side. Maybe I am, but I hurt. I long for the children that I have waited for all of my life. As I get older and my chances decrease with every passing month I brings all of that sorrow to the surface. I just have not yet learned how to deal with it.
13 years is a long time to carry that around. It would be for anyone. I would never want for anyone to suffer what I have. I pray for each broken heart at the loss of a child. I pray that even if I never have my dream that everyone else does.
I am not an eloquent person, nor am I very profound. I might say something every now and again that goes deep. I just want for you all to know that I am thinking of you and praying for your hearts to be healed, and more than anything else for you to have the families that you dream of. To hold the dream in your hands. That is my prayer.
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I bet your crocheted creations are beautiful. I knew how to crochet when I was much younger but I've forgotten how. It's something my grandmother and great-grandmother did often and I always thought it was so neat. What special handmade gifts to give to all of the children in your life!
And for the record, I absolutely don't think you are crazy. You have experienced great trials and loss. For you to NOT grieve that and feel sad about that would be odd. I'm glad you are always honest here.
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