Looking Back

Looking back on these 13 years of infertility and loss, I have wondered how I learned to live without being able to have children for so long. The truth is that I haven't. I am still very much feeling like I was just told that I would not have children without the help of another woman and many thousands of dollars. Both of which I do not have.

I do have a husband who loves me so much. I have a home that I am comfortable in. Just yesterday we finished installing my much wanted wood stove. I have always loved the comfort and warm of a wood fire. It brings back so many of the chldhood memories of sitting around the old wood stove that my father made. My childhood was not a very happy one, but I did find joy and good memories in the cold winter night that we would cook on lay around the family room watching my mom crochet.
My dad would be in his old ragged recliner dozing. It was quiet and peaceful.

I am thankful for the few that follow this blog and for the precious comments that make a bright spot in my sometimes very painful days, both physical and emotional.

For that I am thankful and blessed beyond words. You know who you are. You don't know what you mean to me, or what you have done to help me begin to heal. I cannot tell you, but I will say that you have been like sisters to me. Thank you......

Please Jesus....

Help me find peace in this place of sorrow and constant loss pain, and memories.

Help to seek the understanding that even good people suffer constantly, and that there is a reward at the end of this life.

Help me to laugh again with my whole heart.

Help me to find you even though I cannot see you.

Help me to feel you even though all I feel is pain right now.

Help me to love myself.

Help me to grieve.

Help me to live.

Help me to find comfort in your arms.

Help me.

Amen

I Almost Forgot The Best Part....

So I was on the phone with my SIL who is a surgical nurse and I was asking her about the meds that I am on.... Out of nowhere she says, "Now aren't you glad that you didn't have a baby with all this going on." WHAT?????? She above all should understand how much we have been through and how much it has hurt me. She should know how long I researched IVF, and asking questions and nurses that she works with who had gone through it....

Where do people get their nerve???? That may be the reason for the feelings over the past few days. I was just sitting her and kinda blubbed a little trying not to let the children see that I was upset. Thank God for Dora the Explorer.


It felt like she was using the fact that I am infertile to throw just one more dart in my heart. I am one who forgives, but the hurt is never forgotten. It takes a long time for me to heal from such offenses. I was thrown off balance. I still have not recovered.

I do not htink that I will talk to her for a while if ever again now. Not out of anger, but fear of being told such things again. Their life goes on and mine is at a stand still there is no sympathy or understanding.

I am done, stick a fork in me done!

So Blessed....

I wonder if people know truly how blessed they are. At a point in my life I would be overjoyed to be in the Dreaded Two Week Wait. I want to hope, but really what good would it do? It would not change my situation, and it would only add to the overwhelming stress that I already have.

My situation is that I do have a period every month....

My situation is that even though I have a cycle I have no eggs....

My situation is that even if I had working ovaries I would not have any tubes....

My situation is that even with IVF there is no promise that I will make even one egg....

My situation is that there will be no good news or bad news....

My situation is that I am where I will likely remain for the rest of my life, in limbo.....

I know that I am posting like a nut today, but I am have a clear day today and in need of a Vicodin so I have to get it all out and down so that I don't forget. I know that for the most part I am a gloom and doom kinda girl.... But I have to be realistic or I would not be able to function. It is a constant thought that I am just in a place where I can't go left or right, up or down. I am stuck.....

I just want to be whole again. I would do so many things differently. I would have begun this process so much earlier in my life. I know that there would still be no promises but I would not have taken my fertility for granted the way that I have.

I am sure that most women to some extent think that they can wait and that by the time they are ready for children that it will just happen... I am here to tell you that in so many cases that is not the way that it goes.

There are times when I hate this body. I hate it..... I hate the way that I feel, and knowing that there will be another month where IT will show, and there is nothing that I can do to hide from it. I give up... I really do. There is not much fight left in me. I have lost so much, and what I have lost there is no getting back.... This cannot be all there is to life. Can it?

On My Birthday....

I've been thinking about birthdays and I am not sure that there is any one thing that I want. My birthday is March 14, which is the same day that my parent's wedding anniversary is on. It will definately be a day of reflection. I will miss my parents and celebrating with them.

It is unfortunate but my mind will also make some connection to my losses even though I know I will purposely try not to think on those things. It never fails. Although it will sound harsh to some. I really do wish that there were some way that I could forget. Not my babies, just the pain of losing them. I will never forget how much I have missed out on or how much I have lost.

I have longed for a moment when that was not the case. Every time I look at my sisters' children I am reminded of where my baby would be at in his or her developement. That is a very hard thing.

Back to birthdays. I am not looking forward to another year without children. I also think that with everything else going on in my life that this birthday will be just another day for me. I do not expect it to be a good one.

I always wanted children by the time I was this age. I do not think that it will ever happen. Even with the best medicine. That makes me sad. It hurts and I still long for those lost babies. I miss them so much. I think about the fact that right now I should be the mother to a 13 year old and a 6 month old. It is a very hard thing to remember, but even harder not to.

I am at a place where my heart is so torn. I just wanted so badly to be someone's mommy. To love a child that came from my husband and myself. I feel like I wanted so little. I will have a birthday this year. I will live to see another day, and it will mark another year of losses and suffering.

I wonder how much more of this will God allow. I hope not much more. I need some mercy. I need some joy. Some good thing that is just for me. Some small miracle, some glimmer of hope. I keep praying for these things and it seems the more I look for the good all I get is the pain of a sickened heart.

I'm done. Until......

Standing At The Crossroads

That is how I am feeling. I have finally found a neurosurgeon that will see me without a referral. With everything that is going on with my neck and back, and the meds that I am on--I just do not know how I am going to make it through another IVF and feel possitive about the outcome.

I think that I will wait and see what the neuro doc has to say before booking a flight to New York. It is important for me because I have always wanted children, but I also want to be well enough to take care of them. I do not know how I am going to face all of this and IVF too. My sweet husband wants children so badly, but I do not want to leave him with all of the work that will be involved in taking care of a new child and a wife that can do so little.

Add to everything that my heart just aches for children and finding out about my ovaries so soon after losing a pregnancy, and the disapointment of my last failed IVF and I just don't know how much more of this that my poor heart and mind can take.

I am also having issues with sleep again. Not as bad as before, but definately not good seeing that I have two little girls to take care of today. They require so much from me. It is not easy when I have had so little sleep and so much pain. also there has been another bout of stomach virus in my house which makes everything worse.

I think that it is time to sit down and have a real heart-to-heart with my hubby. I know that he will not understand all that I am going through--but he will try and stand by me no matter what happens. I just don't want to break his heart about this upcoming IVF. He is so excited about it and even though I would love to be able to give him the children that he so longs for but I also know the toll that it will take on my body and mind.

I am at the crossroads.

Today

Today the tears are just beneath the surface. Today, I don't know if I can stop them or if I even want to.

Today the sadness is great.

Today there is no particular reason for the sadness.

Today is just another day.

Today I do not have children, nor will I tomorrow.

Today I will scratch through, I will tomorrow too.

Today I will cry.

Today there will be no miracle.

Today there will be no hope.

Today I will hear somone else's child call me "mama".

Today I will care for a little one.

Today after 5:30pm my house will be silent again.

Today I will hurt.

Today I will have to take a pain pill to function. I will do the same tomorrow.

Today is just another day.

SNOW!!!! And other things

The 4inches of snow that fell yesterday was not much I know, but for us here in the south it was. It made me happy for the first time in a long time. I have not seen snow in years and it just made me feel good to be all snug and warm. To look outside and see the trees and bushes covered made me feel normal for at least a little while. You know when you look out at all that white it makes you feel like everything is new and clean. When you hear the joy of the neighborhood children as they play it brings a smile, and makes everything right with the world--at least for a little while anyway.

I also thought about my babies and how I missed them. I shed a few tears, as I honored their memory as best I could. It does give me joy to see other families grow and change. It is really all that I have. I love to see new babies, and the joy of the new parents as they give their little ones all the love that I long to lavish on my own children.

It is not a jealousy, just amazment. I have always loved children as long as I can remember I was always the first one to want to sit with the babies. I would rather do that than play outside. It is the one thing that I have always been good at. Ironic isn't it? I am so good at taking care of children, but unable to have any of my own.

I make sweaters, hats and booties for all the new babies around me, it makes me feel good to give them something made from love. I have always felt like babies should have something made by hand. They always come out so beautiful. I am surprised every time I make something and look at it. To me it always looks so much prettier than the one before.

My crochet comforts me. It keeps my hands busy, and I don't think about the losses, or the sadness, but I always wish that it was my baby I was making it for. But when I see it on the baby it makes me feel so good that I was able to see beyond my own hurt to give something from my heart to another.

I have alot of hurt and heartache, but life does go on. You just live through it. It changes things it really does. It changes who you are when there are no happy endings. I know that some who read here think that I am a bit on the crazy side. Maybe I am, but I hurt. I long for the children that I have waited for all of my life. As I get older and my chances decrease with every passing month I brings all of that sorrow to the surface. I just have not yet learned how to deal with it.

13 years is a long time to carry that around. It would be for anyone. I would never want for anyone to suffer what I have. I pray for each broken heart at the loss of a child. I pray that even if I never have my dream that everyone else does.

I am not an eloquent person, nor am I very profound. I might say something every now and again that goes deep. I just want for you all to know that I am thinking of you and praying for your hearts to be healed, and more than anything else for you to have the families that you dream of. To hold the dream in your hands. That is my prayer.

I Am Afraid

As if I don't have enough to think about. I am so afraid of letting my husband down with another failed IVF. I feel so betrayed by my body right now. What is even more frightening is that there is nothing that I can do about it.

I guess that is the reason that my heart just isn't in it. I just don't want to let my husband down. I have also decided that if this IVF ends without a pregnancy I am going to have a hysterectomy. My cycles are getting more and more painful. I have been having some problems, and I am feeling like my cycles are changing so I don't have much time left anyway.

The pain is almost unbearable and that is with the morphine and vicodin that I am taking for my other issues. I just don't think that I can take the pain much longer. Not only that but my cycle is also much less than it has ever been. I have always had very heavy cycles and now I am seeing that since my last failed IVF and the diagnosis of POF (premature ovarian failure) that my body has changed greatly.

I already have enough problems I am not sure that physically I can ride this thing out until it just stops if it gets anymore painful.

There are also days when I just sit and wonder what it was that I have done so horribly wrong to have to suffer infertility in this way. Everytime I have my monthly visitor I suffer all over again. I just don't know what else to do. There is just so little hope for my situation even with IVF, and I know this but my husband thinks that everything will be fine. I just can't share in his hope and enthusiasm.

I also feel really tired of it all. Believing for some miracle that will never come. Hoping that something will change and we may even have the hope of adoption. I am getting older and tired, and I am in pain all of the time. I am just tired of it all. I am tired of hoping and dreaming. I am tired of all the false hopes that people meaning well try to put into my head.

It just sticks there and grows roots, and causes heartache and hurt. I have just stopped going around anyone and staying at home and taking care of my sister's children. It amazes me that I can care for someone else's children but not for my own. I just don't understand why I am even here sometimes. M life is sad and lonely and just not good in any way.

I have nothing that is a part of me to share with this world. that is the saddest thing. When all that I have done for my nieces and nephews I cannot do for my own children. I am also getting angry and bitter and it feels like there is nothing that I can do except accept that I am never going to be more than I am right now. That is all that
I have . I am getting angry time to go.

Until.............

Tha FLU!!!! UUUUGGGGG

Just what I needed to make me feel even more horrible than I already do. The Flu hits me like a mac truck, and then guess who decides to make her appearance? AF early to boot. My poor husband has been so good to me, and has been taking care of me. I am blessed for that alone.

In other news March 9th is the big day we are going for our last IVF try in New York with New Hope Fertility. I have read up on them that they are doing good things for some women like me who have very few and immature eggs.. So if anyone has heard anything about them please feel free to let me know.

I am not at all hopeful, but my husband is really pushing for this last try and I just can't break his heart at this point. Although I would rather just suffer. I just do not know or believe that much of anything can or will be done.

We will go for the first appointment, and go from there. I talked to my family doctor about the meds that I am on and he said that they are safe during pregnancy but not sure about being safe during IVF. So I might just have to suffer, although I do not know how much good that would do as far as stress is concerned.

You all are the only people that I feel safe sharing this news with, so please say a little prayer with us that there is at least a little hope that it may work. This is our last chance.,

Invisible

That is how I really feel, just unseen, unheard and un-noticed. I like no one wants to hear me or listen to anything that I have to say. I am getting used to not saying anything. I feel like everytime that I do I am just brushed off like I was this morning.

I think that I have gotten used to being this way. No one really cares anyway. Why should I? I just don't know what else to do. That is all for now I guess. Nothing more to say.

Invisible

The New Year

For me the new year brought many new sad revelations. The most important one being that there will be no children. That there is nothing left but the dreams that I awake from all too soon. That the only person to call me mama will be my little niece until she learns better then that will end too.

I am not sure where I am, all I know is that it is not a very good place. I just feel my heart breaking all over again. The very worst part is that there is nothing that can be done to stop it. Heart break is all that I know, the pain is a constant companion. I just don't know what else to think or do. All I know is there is nothing more than where and what I am right now.

How do you move on? When all that you have are the dreams and they really make things worse, so you avoid sleeping as much as possible. When I do go to sleep I find that I don't want to wake up because I don't want to leave my dream babies. They really don't need me, but they are all that I have. Nothing more.

I truly don't know how much more I can take. How much more my mind can take. I am not sure of much of anything anymore except going through the motions.

I also think about Mother's Day, that there will be none for me. I feel kinda sad about that. The saddness seems bigger than me now and I know that the only way byond where I am is to become a mother. Yet seeing things as they are has given me the truth that there is no motherhood. At least not for me.

My babies will never be held in my arms, and I will never have the opprtunity to soothe their cries. I am angry too, and it has changed me. The way that I think and see things. GOD is a GOD that gives us a choice. I guess that some of my choices has deemed me unworthy of the most basic things in life. Like air and water we also need to procreate. That has been taken from me and GOD has not moved. I have my answer and there is nothing that I can do...

I begged and cried, and prayed and pleaded. The answer was another ectopic pregnancy and then another attempt at IVF. During that process the unveiling of my prematurely dying ovaries. How stupid am I? How many more tragedies can I take? If that wasn't an answer I don't know what was. I just wanted so badly to be pregnant. Not only was that taken from me, but also any chance that we might have had to adopt due to issues that my husband had with his ex-wife before we met.

I am defeated. Crushed. Devastated. To never carry a child in a womb that still works is a curse. That is what I am cursed.