I AM: Strong, I would have to be having been through so much and not having lost it all.
I AM: Weak, it does not take anything away from my strength, it just means that I am human.
I AM: Blessed, sometimes I do not say that enough--sometimes I don't believe it. But I am, more than I know.
I AM: Loved, because i am a child of the most high God. I am loved by people who do not even know me, and I am loved because He loves me.
I AM: Humbled by the encouragment of a young woman who I met through this blog, who more than anyone else has made me want to hug her many days and tell her I wish that she were not so far away. To tell her that she embodies all the things that I strive to become through this journey.
I AM: Learning that all of the things that I am does not lessen all the things that I will become. I am being molded and shaped, and that hurts. I am being changed daily and that is a very uncomfortable process.
I AM: Going to be better today than I was yesterday, and I am going to struggle, hurt, love, be loved, I am going to be humbled, and I am going to learn, but of all these things I am still going to be a child of a God who loves me, and because of that I am going to grow.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Focus
Is now on trying to live with pain and the constant feeling of not living but exsisting until that moment comes when I am once again under the knife. I still want children so badly that my heart aches constantly. It is an undertaking to do any small task and I am having to use a walker to move around my house.
I feel old and tired and sad, and more than anything useless. My husband has been a true rock through all of this and more man than I could ever have hoped for. The Lord has truly been good to me through my husband. Standing by me thrrough our battle with infertility has been so much more than I could ever have asked for. But for him to have to care for me in this way now is even harder for me to take.
I stay in a drug induced stupor most of the day, and when I am not I am in constant pain. April 15th cannot come soon enough. I want my life back, or at least what there was of it.
The longing for children in my life has not left even my dreams are filled with the hope that one day I may be a mother. I awake feeling like I don't know where or who I am. I still believe that if it is His will it will be done. Although my heart still aches.
That is all that I have in me right now, I am getting dizzy even now as I type this. I do not know when or if I will blog anytime soon as I cannot sit up for long. I am thinking of you all.....
Amy
I feel old and tired and sad, and more than anything useless. My husband has been a true rock through all of this and more man than I could ever have hoped for. The Lord has truly been good to me through my husband. Standing by me thrrough our battle with infertility has been so much more than I could ever have asked for. But for him to have to care for me in this way now is even harder for me to take.
I stay in a drug induced stupor most of the day, and when I am not I am in constant pain. April 15th cannot come soon enough. I want my life back, or at least what there was of it.
The longing for children in my life has not left even my dreams are filled with the hope that one day I may be a mother. I awake feeling like I don't know where or who I am. I still believe that if it is His will it will be done. Although my heart still aches.
That is all that I have in me right now, I am getting dizzy even now as I type this. I do not know when or if I will blog anytime soon as I cannot sit up for long. I am thinking of you all.....
Amy
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
April 15th
Is the big day, I finally meet my surgeon. I suspect that my situation was bad enough tha instead of the July 7th appointment that they had set for me they were able to get me in much sooner.
I have been so doped up as of late I have not been much of a blogger or much at keeping up wih those blogs that I follow. For that I am so sorry.
On the infertility front, nothing new, just really sad. I am so not looking forward to life without children. There were so many things that I wanted to be able to teach them. I wanted to show them how to hatch baby chicks. That was one of the best things that my dad showed us how to do and we were so amazed. I loved that he gave me the love of all things growing and nature itself.
I must also mention that I am mre than tired of the "mother" of these poor little babies making a name for herself and people like me and so many others get theown in a dark room and forgotten about. i am no longer watching Dr. Phil because he has just flooded his shows about this so called mother and her issues.
I am just sick to death of the whole saga. I hope that one day these kids grow up and find out what the rest of the world already knows about their "mother", that she is a lost, selfish, ignorant, hot mess. That is my toast to her.
I know so much of this is the drugs talking, but I am tired of being infertile!!!!! I want children too I want for someone to recognize that you are not infertile if you have 6 pregnancies through IVF one of them with 8 babaies! I want someone to know how much it cost for someone even with insurance to have a treatment! I want them to know that there is no help for someone who cannot afford donor eggs!
I want someone to hear me! I am infertile. This woman used the system and all of her wiles to get what she wanted! I can't get any help at all. I can't even adopt and this nut case can have 14 children. Give me a break! And if her Father bought a 500,000 house I will kiss the but of the monkey that the money came from. that house was bought off the backs of these poor babies.
Can you tell that I am sick of it? I need help too, we all do. We need fair treatment. We need someone to bring us on a show and ask us how they can help us.
THE END>
I have been so doped up as of late I have not been much of a blogger or much at keeping up wih those blogs that I follow. For that I am so sorry.
On the infertility front, nothing new, just really sad. I am so not looking forward to life without children. There were so many things that I wanted to be able to teach them. I wanted to show them how to hatch baby chicks. That was one of the best things that my dad showed us how to do and we were so amazed. I loved that he gave me the love of all things growing and nature itself.
I must also mention that I am mre than tired of the "mother" of these poor little babies making a name for herself and people like me and so many others get theown in a dark room and forgotten about. i am no longer watching Dr. Phil because he has just flooded his shows about this so called mother and her issues.
I am just sick to death of the whole saga. I hope that one day these kids grow up and find out what the rest of the world already knows about their "mother", that she is a lost, selfish, ignorant, hot mess. That is my toast to her.
I know so much of this is the drugs talking, but I am tired of being infertile!!!!! I want children too I want for someone to recognize that you are not infertile if you have 6 pregnancies through IVF one of them with 8 babaies! I want someone to know how much it cost for someone even with insurance to have a treatment! I want them to know that there is no help for someone who cannot afford donor eggs!
I want someone to hear me! I am infertile. This woman used the system and all of her wiles to get what she wanted! I can't get any help at all. I can't even adopt and this nut case can have 14 children. Give me a break! And if her Father bought a 500,000 house I will kiss the but of the monkey that the money came from. that house was bought off the backs of these poor babies.
Can you tell that I am sick of it? I need help too, we all do. We need fair treatment. We need someone to bring us on a show and ask us how they can help us.
THE END>
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