On My Birthday....

I've been thinking about birthdays and I am not sure that there is any one thing that I want. My birthday is March 14, which is the same day that my parent's wedding anniversary is on. It will definately be a day of reflection. I will miss my parents and celebrating with them.

It is unfortunate but my mind will also make some connection to my losses even though I know I will purposely try not to think on those things. It never fails. Although it will sound harsh to some. I really do wish that there were some way that I could forget. Not my babies, just the pain of losing them. I will never forget how much I have missed out on or how much I have lost.

I have longed for a moment when that was not the case. Every time I look at my sisters' children I am reminded of where my baby would be at in his or her developement. That is a very hard thing.

Back to birthdays. I am not looking forward to another year without children. I also think that with everything else going on in my life that this birthday will be just another day for me. I do not expect it to be a good one.

I always wanted children by the time I was this age. I do not think that it will ever happen. Even with the best medicine. That makes me sad. It hurts and I still long for those lost babies. I miss them so much. I think about the fact that right now I should be the mother to a 13 year old and a 6 month old. It is a very hard thing to remember, but even harder not to.

I am at a place where my heart is so torn. I just wanted so badly to be someone's mommy. To love a child that came from my husband and myself. I feel like I wanted so little. I will have a birthday this year. I will live to see another day, and it will mark another year of losses and suffering.

I wonder how much more of this will God allow. I hope not much more. I need some mercy. I need some joy. Some good thing that is just for me. Some small miracle, some glimmer of hope. I keep praying for these things and it seems the more I look for the good all I get is the pain of a sickened heart.

I'm done. Until......