I Am Afraid

As if I don't have enough to think about. I am so afraid of letting my husband down with another failed IVF. I feel so betrayed by my body right now. What is even more frightening is that there is nothing that I can do about it.

I guess that is the reason that my heart just isn't in it. I just don't want to let my husband down. I have also decided that if this IVF ends without a pregnancy I am going to have a hysterectomy. My cycles are getting more and more painful. I have been having some problems, and I am feeling like my cycles are changing so I don't have much time left anyway.

The pain is almost unbearable and that is with the morphine and vicodin that I am taking for my other issues. I just don't think that I can take the pain much longer. Not only that but my cycle is also much less than it has ever been. I have always had very heavy cycles and now I am seeing that since my last failed IVF and the diagnosis of POF (premature ovarian failure) that my body has changed greatly.

I already have enough problems I am not sure that physically I can ride this thing out until it just stops if it gets anymore painful.

There are also days when I just sit and wonder what it was that I have done so horribly wrong to have to suffer infertility in this way. Everytime I have my monthly visitor I suffer all over again. I just don't know what else to do. There is just so little hope for my situation even with IVF, and I know this but my husband thinks that everything will be fine. I just can't share in his hope and enthusiasm.

I also feel really tired of it all. Believing for some miracle that will never come. Hoping that something will change and we may even have the hope of adoption. I am getting older and tired, and I am in pain all of the time. I am just tired of it all. I am tired of hoping and dreaming. I am tired of all the false hopes that people meaning well try to put into my head.

It just sticks there and grows roots, and causes heartache and hurt. I have just stopped going around anyone and staying at home and taking care of my sister's children. It amazes me that I can care for someone else's children but not for my own. I just don't understand why I am even here sometimes. M life is sad and lonely and just not good in any way.

I have nothing that is a part of me to share with this world. that is the saddest thing. When all that I have done for my nieces and nephews I cannot do for my own children. I am also getting angry and bitter and it feels like there is nothing that I can do except accept that I am never going to be more than I am right now. That is all that
I have . I am getting angry time to go.

Until.............