The New Year

For me the new year brought many new sad revelations. The most important one being that there will be no children. That there is nothing left but the dreams that I awake from all too soon. That the only person to call me mama will be my little niece until she learns better then that will end too.

I am not sure where I am, all I know is that it is not a very good place. I just feel my heart breaking all over again. The very worst part is that there is nothing that can be done to stop it. Heart break is all that I know, the pain is a constant companion. I just don't know what else to think or do. All I know is there is nothing more than where and what I am right now.

How do you move on? When all that you have are the dreams and they really make things worse, so you avoid sleeping as much as possible. When I do go to sleep I find that I don't want to wake up because I don't want to leave my dream babies. They really don't need me, but they are all that I have. Nothing more.

I truly don't know how much more I can take. How much more my mind can take. I am not sure of much of anything anymore except going through the motions.

I also think about Mother's Day, that there will be none for me. I feel kinda sad about that. The saddness seems bigger than me now and I know that the only way byond where I am is to become a mother. Yet seeing things as they are has given me the truth that there is no motherhood. At least not for me.

My babies will never be held in my arms, and I will never have the opprtunity to soothe their cries. I am angry too, and it has changed me. The way that I think and see things. GOD is a GOD that gives us a choice. I guess that some of my choices has deemed me unworthy of the most basic things in life. Like air and water we also need to procreate. That has been taken from me and GOD has not moved. I have my answer and there is nothing that I can do...

I begged and cried, and prayed and pleaded. The answer was another ectopic pregnancy and then another attempt at IVF. During that process the unveiling of my prematurely dying ovaries. How stupid am I? How many more tragedies can I take? If that wasn't an answer I don't know what was. I just wanted so badly to be pregnant. Not only was that taken from me, but also any chance that we might have had to adopt due to issues that my husband had with his ex-wife before we met.

I am defeated. Crushed. Devastated. To never carry a child in a womb that still works is a curse. That is what I am cursed.