So Blessed....

I wonder if people know truly how blessed they are. At a point in my life I would be overjoyed to be in the Dreaded Two Week Wait. I want to hope, but really what good would it do? It would not change my situation, and it would only add to the overwhelming stress that I already have.

My situation is that I do have a period every month....

My situation is that even though I have a cycle I have no eggs....

My situation is that even if I had working ovaries I would not have any tubes....

My situation is that even with IVF there is no promise that I will make even one egg....

My situation is that there will be no good news or bad news....

My situation is that I am where I will likely remain for the rest of my life, in limbo.....

I know that I am posting like a nut today, but I am have a clear day today and in need of a Vicodin so I have to get it all out and down so that I don't forget. I know that for the most part I am a gloom and doom kinda girl.... But I have to be realistic or I would not be able to function. It is a constant thought that I am just in a place where I can't go left or right, up or down. I am stuck.....

I just want to be whole again. I would do so many things differently. I would have begun this process so much earlier in my life. I know that there would still be no promises but I would not have taken my fertility for granted the way that I have.

I am sure that most women to some extent think that they can wait and that by the time they are ready for children that it will just happen... I am here to tell you that in so many cases that is not the way that it goes.

There are times when I hate this body. I hate it..... I hate the way that I feel, and knowing that there will be another month where IT will show, and there is nothing that I can do to hide from it. I give up... I really do. There is not much fight left in me. I have lost so much, and what I have lost there is no getting back.... This cannot be all there is to life. Can it?