The Realization.....

That I am not going to have children does not stop my heart from longing. It is one of those things that makes you wonder who you are and where you belong in this world. I know things that I wish I had never learned. Losing your innocence in such a way takes so much more than your innocence. It takes a tremendous toll on the way that you view your world.

It takes your dreams and hopes and makes them as though they never were. It makes your life incomplete. There is only one thing besides the Lord that can fill that void, and that is a child.

I don't really feel like blogging, or much of anything else. I am having one of those spells where everything hurts, and not just my body. I am not sad, just hurting. I will be 37 in just over 2 weeks and looking back at another year where I will not be a mother brings that old feeling of loss again.

I am sure that I will get over it all eventually, I just don't know what else I can do to fix what is going on right now. I wish that those thoughts just simply would not come, but they do. Feb. is the month that we found out that I was not going to be able to have children without donor eggs. It seems as though it were only yesterday. Even when I find myself not thinking about anything having to do with my situation, it just creeps up on me. It is hard to life with the fact that I am less than. I was never mean to have children.

I was 25 when I became pregnant the first time. I was beyond devastated with that loss. Not to mention the fact that I almost died. There was nothing that I could do about it then and there is nothing that I can do about it now. But that does not make it hurt any less. Just the thought that the failures I have suffered over the years have driven home the fact that there was something wrong with me from the very beginning that no one saw.

All of the doctors, testing, trying, tears, nothing has done any good. My husband cmae home the other day and told me that a lady that he works with who got pregnant with her second IVF. Matter of fact we met at the RE's office. I digress, anyway he told me that she had her second baby that she got pregnant without intervention and just returned to work. I suppose that he tells me these things to help me to keep hope alive for us, but it isn't working.

I know that there is not a thig that I can do to change what has happened, but I still feel like I should have at least been able to give my husband at least one child.