Baby Blues

Not depressed, just a little blue. Today is one of those days where I am feeling the loss. I don't really feel too terrible, just wanting to be a mother. My sisters children just won't do on a day like today. I still want a child of my own.

The understanding that me + having a baby just won't happen is very real today. I know that it will go away eventually, but it is still a very hard thing to deal with. I think that I will go to the Library today and pick out a book or two. Maybe that will take my mind off of the "No Baby Blues".

I love my husband so much, but he still feels like there is a chance that we still might be able to afford donor eggs. My concerns are that even though we have the eggs and I am able to conceive, how would I carry a baby with my health issues? I think that thinking about his feelings about all of this has me in this mood. He wants a baby as badly as I do. I just do not believe that it is a reality for me.

Oh brother, it seems like whenever I take one step forward I am set back 2 more. It makes me think again of all that I am lacking. Not to mention the financial climate, and the simple fact that trying anything while I am in the midst of issues with my body would be a disaster. We have talked, and though I really try to avoid that particular conversation, I cannot deny him the right to express how he feels about having children. I can't even fault him for not wanting to give up. I just feel so sad for him. He is a very good man, and a loving and caring husband.

In other news, I talked to one of my sisters, who since my parents passed and she decided to return to her VERY abusive boyfriend we have not spoken very often. We used to be so close, and were able to talk about everything. Well, she told me that she might have uterine cancer, and may have to have a hysterectomy. I would like to ask that if you know the words of prayer, please pray for her and her children.

My other sister the one who has a child with my ex is getting married to him in August. I am not sure what to think about all of that. I don't have any feelings for him, but it is out of concern for my sister that I worry. I know what kind of man he is. More importantly I know what kind of man he isn't.