I am still surprised at times how happy I can be for others, and yet so utterly lost for myself. The living childless thing is new to me--so please forgive the constant sadness. I am sure that with time I will get used to it. I am not so sure however that I will ever truly heal from it.
This journey is not by any means for the faint of heart. There are times when I long so badly for any little sign of hope or help. There are moments when although life goes on--you still feel like you are in two places at the same time. It is like I am living a double life.
There is the me that wants for everyone to see that I am still alive and kicking, and the other that would like nothing better that to scream from the roof tops how badly my life is suffering and my body longing for children. It is not fun. Not in the least.
So many of the things that we decided to do early on in our marriage depended on having children, and raising our family. We talked as if we already had children. It is not just the loss of children that we are dealing with here, but the loss of hopes, dreams, family. There is no loss of love, but when have planned and spoken these things to life--prayed believed and trusted, it is so hard to not think on those things.
As a matter of fact before my last pregnancy in Oct of last year my husband and I bonded like never before. We had been told that we would not have children or even become pregnant without help from science. I would not believe that. We prayed and spoke life into my womb. Believed that the Lord would give us children. It was only about a month later that I got pregnant, and Oct 4th that I got a possitive pregnancy test. On the 21st. I was back in the hospital for them to tell me that it was another ectopic. I could not understand why would G-D allow me to become pregnant only to lose another child with such pain and suffering. I have never had a pregnancy in my uterus. I could not help but to feel like I was and still being punished for some awful wrong.
I still do not know what else to do. I want to believe that just like with the pregnancy that there may someday be a way made that I might by some move of
G-D that there will be enough money for donor eggs, or embryo adoption. I am not holding my breath. It just amazes me how we had even made plans to try a donor egg cycle--now here we are in the midst of the economic crisis. How do you like that. There is nothing more to be said or done it is just a case of having everything that we have wanted for a family thrown down and trampled on. How do you hope through these things? Any suggestions?
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4 comments:
Thank you for your comment on my blog Amy! This is my first visit to yours and I look forward to catching up on your story and reading more about your life and journey.
I am sorry to hear about your losses. They are so painful no matter how early or far along they were. Names in the Sand will draw hearts (you could have them do two) in the sand or write Baby/ies Last Name (tell them your last name) if you want. I didn't realize this initially or I would have asked them to do Babies Benson with three hearts underneath. I might still. It is really beautiful and I am glad that it touched you.
Take care and thanks again for visiting my blog! :)
I think there are many ways to handle grief, and I don't want to be one of those who throws around advice, but I'll tell you how I try to remain hopeful in this.
I believe that if it is God's will for my life for me to have children, then He will make a way. He is the master of the impossible! I have no idea how He will do it, whether they will come from my body or from adoption, how long I might have to wait, or how we will afford it. That's not to say I don't still think about (and worry about) the future. I always wonder if I will be able to handle it if the answer is "No."
I believe that the Lord knows our desires and I pray that one day He will fill our home with the laughter of children. I pray this for you too, Amy.
Hello, Amy. I'm Sunny. Stacey and I are bloggy friends and she mentioned your blog to me. I have read several posts and have gotten a "feel" for where you are right now. I too suffered from infertility. I use the word suffer in past tense because I had to have a hysterectomy 4.5yrs ago. I have walked where you've walked even to the points of having a tubal pregnancy and it actually ruptured almost killing me. We did IVF 3x to no avail. Please feel free to read my blog under a recent post called Holiday Hurts to get a little more of my story. I don't want to talk so much about me here as I want to offer you encouragement. I know where you are right now. I have been there and some days honestly I am back there. While I don't know what the future holds, I know that my future was mapped out with such care by the Creator of the universe that I can't help but trust that whatever the plan is, it is for my good. After many years of struggling and fighting the whole way kicking and screaming, I stepped back and said I am going to let go and let God. My life's verse is Isaiah 43:19 and the reason is because roadways being made through the wilderness and rivers being made in the desert is nothing short of lots of hard work and miracles. I believe that Christ can do this hard work and give these miracles. Even if the miracle isn't to give me a child, then I trust that he will do some miracle in my heart/life and that that miracle would be better than I could ever know. Please know that you are not alone. There are those of us that trudge through the pain of childlessness with you. I know the feeling of an empty home, the void of laughter over new holiday toys, the pain of standing in a birthing room watching a precious family come to be not even 6wks after my own loss, I know the feeling of asking what is the meaning of life, why does it all have to be so hard, why does it all have to seem so unreachable, why isn't it my RIGHT to bear children when it seems to be everyone else's? Why? Why? Why? It seems like you have a faith in Christ. I pray that you just cry out to him. Seek him and he will give you what you need to make it through. I am standing on the other side. It's not the other side of having children, but it is the other side for me and that is not being in the pit of despair and depression anymore. I'm living again. Infertility and childlessness aren't taking control of my life anymore. I still have hope for a child for us. I still have the same dream. I just have released my depression and the hold that infertility had on running my future. I am so sorry that you have to feel this pain and face this burden in your life. I wish that for every woman that I come across that has this as their plight that I could take it away and cast it as far into the deep ocean as possible. I cannot unfortunately, but I can pray for you. People throw that around about praying for others but I want you to know that I literally am stopping this comment and praying right now. I pray that you would have hope and joy in your life and that all your dreams come true.
I'm sorry for your losses and the sadness you are dealing with now. It is such a lonely feeling to mourn a dream of something that you've held dear for so long. To mourn children that you don't have when the outside world is often unable to understand what it is you mourn. I hope that you can find peace and healing somewhere.
I don't know if this is a help or not but my understanding is that if you do embryo adoption the cost is relatively low in that you are usually only paying for an FET.
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