Thanksgiving

Is a day to give thanks for all that we have. I am thankful for Jesus, and my life. I am thankful for my husband and our home. I am thankful for the comfort and support that I have found here in the safety of this blog.

I am trying so hard to be thankful an not sad and displaced--but it is hard. My eldest sister and my three nephews came by on turkey day. I met my new nephew for the first time. the one my sister had with my ex. He is a sweet little boy and took to me right away, I am quite proud of myself for not letting the sadness show. My 21yr old nephew is now on his way to his first tour in Iraq. Please pray that he will return home safe and whole.

I really don't know how to feel about my sister. There is still alot of hurt and feelings of betrayal on my part. I ask that the Lord heal me from that. I stayed at home home and my husband went to spend some time with his family. I schmoozed while he was gone. I had alot of pain and was not feeling well. By the time my husband got back home my sister and the boys were getting ready to leave. I am glad that they did not stay long.

I still feel so out of place around anyone with children. I have for so long tried to hide that and I just don't feel like I can anymore. I feel like it is best that I just stay away. I still am hoping that there will be a way made for us. I am no longer laboring under the false assumption that it will happen though. I know that miracles take work. I am willing to put in the hours and trusting G-D for the rest.

I am going to be putting things in order and clean out the room that was supposed to be our baby's. I do not go in there often(unless I HAVE to) only because I did not want to look at all of the sweet little baby clothes that I will never (without a miracle) have any use for. I am going to try to start on that Monday. I do not think that it will make me feel better, but it will make me feel like I am finally getting it that this part of it out of my hands. I need to close the chapter, even though I am not yet through with the book.

I talked to a friend yesterday, and it really amazes me how someone else's opinion on having children "the 'New' old fashioned way" can really get you down. I wanted to just break down crying. I wanted to get off the phone--but not before telling her that she could not understand unless and until she had become pregnant and Lord forbid lose it, and be told that without help there would be no children in you future. I try to take their opinions with a grain of salt--but it is not easy when facing the idea of never having children in the conventional way. Especially from someone who has never experienced pregnancy, or suffered the loss of her organs.

I think too that I am just too close to the situation to see it clearly from anyone else's point of view anyway. Not to mention that I am fragile right now. I want to be happy, I just don't feel like this is the time of year for me--both of my losses are so close to me right now, and everything seems so fresh in my mind. I was thinking last night that I would go to sleep, wake up and these past 12 (soon to be 13 ) years would be a bad dream. HA HA! Yeah right. I just feel dry right now, and kinda gloomy. We have rain coming for the next two days. I am happy about that--rainy days are my favorite. It is just somehow okay to feel yucky on rainy days.

I could use a couple of days to just sob. That is really the only thing that I have are the tears. That is okay too. I am getting used to them. This is a process--I only wish that I had known sooner that I was going to be where I am now. Maybe I could have steeled myself against it and protected my heart a little better--but I am here now and I have to learn how to work through it until I get to the next checkpoint. I am just feeling like 12 years is a long time to believe something only to find that it was all a lie, and you have to choose a different way to live.

If you made it through this rambling mess good for you.....;) If not I understand.