HOPE?!?! What's That?

It is just so strange that I have heard continually for almost 13 years that G-D will not put on you more than you can bare. I beg to differ. I do not think that I am holding up that great in sight of all that I have been through. Plus the fact that hope is a very shallow thing nowadays. I do not have the luxury of thinking that maybe this month. Funny the things that you think of as luxury after a few years of infertility.

There is nothing that I can do, nothing is going to change. I WANT TO BE A MOTHER!!!! I DON'T WANT TO BE INFERTILE!!!!

I AM TIRED OF HEARING THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY--BECAUSE IT ISN'T, AND IT NEVER WILL BE!!!!

I HATE THAT I STILL HOPE FOR A MIRACLE, I HATE THAT MY BODY BETRAYED ME!!!!

I HATE THAT THERE IS NOTHING THAT I CAN DO ABOUT IT!!!!

I HATE HAVING A PERIOD EVERY MONTH!!!!

I HATE THAT THERE IS NO HELP FOR ME!!!!

I HATE THAT WE DO NOT HAVE THE MONEY FOR DONOR EGGS!!!!

I HATE THAT WE CANNOT ADOPT!!!!

I think that I have screamed enough now. Not that I couldn't find some more to scream about, but I am tired now. I am assuming that this is all a part of the grief process. I am angry, so much so that I scare myself sometimes. Not that I would hurt anyone, but it is too much and even though I pray, it doesn't help. All I can do is hurt and fight my way out of bed every morning.

I am tired. Beyond words, beyond hope, beyond faith. Please pray for me. Pray that I will move from this point--pray that I will stop foolishly hoping for something that will never be mine. Pray that I stand.