These days are almost surreal as of late. I am looking at thirteen years since my first loss and since I have been trying to have a baby. My heart just is not into Christmas and not just because of finances, but because I am sad for the loss of my children and the idea that there is so little hope for me to have children.
My period is supposed to start today, and I am not looking forward to another cycle of empty womb and home, and heart. This is just time for me to reflect on how much I have lost. I just do not know what to do or where to begin if I were to do anything. My heart is in a constant state of brokeness.
I would love to have a Christmas miracle, but I have learned over the years that miracles are for those who have the money to make them happen. I do not have the finances to make those things come into being and I am at the point where there is nothing else for me to do other than hurt.
Dreary, gloomy, and sad--that is how I feel most of the time, and I do not know what else there is for me to do. I went to the doctor last week, and when the nurse could not get a BP on me he said that I might be pregnant...Yeah right... I just don't know how to hope for that at all... All I know anymore is that it will either take a REAL miracle without medical intervention or IVF, if I could even make enough eggs to get a good one.
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