Just Another Sad Day In The Life....

I am just having on of those days where I am really thinking about babies, and children. I am like that most months around the time of my period. I always thought of my period as a sign of hope that there would always be a chance for me to conceive.

I do not see it that way anymore. Now it is more a reminder of really how broken I am as a woman. I do not look forward to it. I don't like having the PMS, or the feelings of inadequacy. Most of all I hate the lack of hope that is in it. I hate feeling like my womb is an open wound and all I can do is wait it out. Only to have the same feelings the next month.

I know that we are going to try IVF one more time, but I cannot find joy in that either because I know what could happen. I am angry at infertility because it took away so much like the fact that there is nothing innocent about me anymore. I am so closed off even to my husband. Even if we were to become pregnant through IVF there would be not joy in it until the baby is born because so much has been stolen from me and I would not believe until I was holding the baby in my arms that it could not be taken from me again.

It is not just the loss that has taken so much from me, but the aftermath. The dates and the memories. Telling my husband on the phone that I was pregnant and hearing him with a lump in his throat, and the joy that he got from telling his family that he was going to be a father. I hurt for him. He has been through this with me, and yet he has been string for me when I know that there have been moments when he wanted to crumble.

I feel like it is my fault that I cannot give him children. I feel like I am less than what he deserves. He works so hard so that I could be at home and raise our children, well it has been seven years and I still have not given him children. I don't know that I ever will.

I see my life going on, but not forward. I feel stuck in the same place. Time has moved on but I haven't, I can't I am trying. But I am missing so much. I am a mother, in my heart and soul I am, but in my body I cannot be. I need to not feel the same old pang of hurt every month knowing that there is no chance that I might be pregnant. I don't know what else to do. I am in prison in my own body, and there is nothing that I can do about it. There is nothing that I can do to change it.

my fertility has been stolen from me in every way. If the IVF doesn't work then I will have no choice but to turn to some other woman. Even though it is a thought there is no money for such things. I just do not want to feel like there is nothing that I can do even when I know that I can't.

Thousands of dollars is not something that we can afford. We cannot even borrow the money. How do I come to grips with the fact that if IVF doesn't work that I have to live my life without hope of ever having children. I don't know. I have done it for this long and it has been constant torture. I don't know what I would do if it were done and over and all I could do is wait to die without the family I longes and prayed for with my husband.

I don't really believe that I am living now. I am just exsisting. Trying to make it to the next day. It is not a good way to live.