Jesus, it's me again...

Lord, my only question is why? I just can't comprehend. I know that I am not dumb--I just feel that way now because every time there is a glimmer of hope I am cast back into this dark place. I am tired--I am weary, and I am at the end of my rope.

I am tired of the constant sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I have been told so many time to lay it all down--and when I do guess what? I get it thrown right back in my face, only a double portion.

Lord, I have tried so hard, and still am to do everything that I can to stay sane--it is not an easy task. I am helping my sister by keeping her two smaller children, and no matter how I might hurt I get up anyway.

I am doing everything that I can. I help people even when it hurts. We have lost so much in this and I am wondering if I should just send my husband to someone else because I cannot give him children. Others may scoff, but I know now more than anyone should how Sarah felt when looking at her husband and her aging body.

Not only is my body aging, but it has been mangled, and stitched back together with nothing to offer but cramps. Lord I am angry with you. I am hurt, because You more than anyone else knows what I have been through, and all that I have done to try and help others. Am I that big a failure in your eyes? Almost 13 years ago I lost my baby, but that was not enough I also had to lose the chance to have a fmily at all.

I AM NOT JOB!!! I do not know how much longer or how much more I can bare. I know that others might not even write it down the way that I am, but it is all that I can do. I have nothing to fight with anymore, and my strength is gone. You told me to lay my cares on you. So here they are.

What good is my life if I have nothing to offer? You made me, and you allow these things to happen, so why is there nothing that You will do about them? This is not just about not having children, this is about not having a life anymore. This is about all that I have hope and prayed for. This is about not having anything to hope for anymore. This is about giving up. Are You listening? Can You hear me? Do You care for me? Why is there nothing for me, not even life? Why is there no happiness for me? Why do I always have to take the scraps of what is left? Why is it ok for me to joy with others and not for myself? Why do I have to fake it for everyone and smile when I feel like screaming?

Can't You see that I am in turmoil? You open the barren womb. You create all life. You are the keeper of my soul. You are the shepherd. You are the one who died for my sins. What do you want me to do? I give it all to you, and it is never enough. What more is required? How much more do I endure? How long will I be able to live like this?

I am beyond tired. No one wants to hear my problems when they have enough of their own. No one wants me around, unless I can be of some service to them. When they have what they need--they don't call or come around. I am stuck here in this house, and I have only my dog for company. I am beaten. I have nothing else to give. I have no more strength. I have no more hope. All I have are words, and even they are beginning to fail me. I do not want to die like this. But i do not want to live like this either. I am being punished, and it is more than I can bare. I am thrown away by this world, my family so called friends. Are You done with me too?