Sad

I am just sad beyond belief right now. I don't know what to do with myself. I am feeling so lost and hurt. I thought that things would have been so different this year. I thought that we would have had a baby by now and we would have our very own little Christmas as a family.

It was not to be and maybe never will be. I do not know how to deal with that. I do not think that I am even dealing with it now. I am going through the worst time in my life. I have not known what happiness is for more than a year now. The last time I was truly happy was when I saw that possitive pregnancy test October 4,2007. Other than that life has just been a succession of hurts and wounds open again and again.

I do not like leaving my house even for a little while. If I do I want to get back to the safety of my empty house as soon as possible. I have no life right now and do not expect one anytime soon.

I do not know what to do or even begin to feel human again. I feel like I am in this place alone, and I don't want to leave it.

I am going through with the IVF next year, but I am also not going to get my hopes up about anything. I can't affort to do that. I don't want to feel like there is any such thing. Just longing and crying for so many years has put me in a place where I do not want to believe that anything good can or will happen for me.

I do not know what will happen. I do feel like that whatever will happen will not be in my favor.