Humbug!

The bitterness has set in and I just am at a place where there is nothing more to be said for happy holidays until I have a family of my own to have one with. My hopes are not high for that anyway.

I am just completely worn out about this time of the season. I do not want to be around anyone for any reason. I am not looking forward to seeing anyone today. I have been up all night and in a very foul mood.

I don't want to be around any children today as they are here all the time and this is not a day when I want them around. They always seem to levitate toward me and that makes me angry. All I want to do is to saty at home and sleep and watch some TV.

Our baby, if he/she had been born would be about 6 months old and it would be their first Christmas. I think about all of the things that would have been, and here I am another year of hurt and suffering through another day.

I am so beyond hurting. I don't know what else to do. I am not in a good place and I just don't want to be around anyone. I just want to be left alone. My husband wants me to cook, but I do not even want to do that. There is no safe place for me.

Why did my baby have to die? Why couldn't I have a good Christmas for once? I just do not understand. I had so much hope when I was pregnant, but it all went away. I would like to know why there is nothing for me. NOTHING!!!!! Where is my baby? My family? I do not know anymore. I am so angry at everything. I am just through.