Worthy?

I look at my sisters, I have 3. They all have children, and they know what I have been through and what I am going through. I was wondering, do they love me as much as they say they do? People say that they love you all the time, but do they really mean it? To me love is more an action than a word. It means that you want to do something to help and you do it.

Here is why ask. I have been there for all of my sisters before and after both of my losses. I have rocked crying babies, and been there when there was no one else, sacrificed my time energy and heart. It didn't matter that my loss was still fresh and the wound still open. I changed my sister's newborn baby and cried behind the scenes because I knew that there was no one else to do it. I have kept children when I have been barely able to care for myself.

This happened right after my most recent loss. My husband dropped me off to get a haircut, and he went to my sister's house. He had a little talk with her about maybe helping with egg donation. Lord knows she has enough! She told him that she would talk it over with her husband and then she would get back to him. My husband came to pick me up and told me what he had done, and I have never been so touched by an act. I still tear up when I think about how much of a man it took to do such a thing. Needless to say that to this very day my sister still has not said yes or no. I mean I am not a hard person, and even when people hurt me I still do not mistreat them. So for me it was as if the question posed to her was so ridiculous that it did not even deserve a reply. I can take the truth. I have all of my life good, bad, or indifferent, I have handled it pretty well.

I just could not and still to this day I can't understand why we did not deserve an answer. Still when she calls no matter what the hurt or cost to me. I still have never told her that I just would not help her. If I couldn't that is something different, but just to not answer that is the most hurtful thing of all that I am not worthy of her help, and understanding.

I am learning that love does not mean the same thing to everyone. I am learning that people say that they wish there were something that they could do, but when the time comes, they will call you a liar before admit that they said any such thing. I am learning to cry by myself. I do not want to see my husband hurting because I am hurting. I am learning that I will speak anyway, and understand that people are selfish and cruel. I am learning to bare this extraordinarily heavy burden alone. I am learning that love is not the same for eveyone. I have learned that not everyone gets a miracle.