Come Out, Come Out Wherever You Are

I feel like I am calling all emotional baggage hiding out in my life. I have found that most of it is due to loss. I miss my mother and father so much. I miss the love that my mother had for the holiday season. She loved her Christmas tree, she was so sick--but she never let us know it. We did not know that this would be our last Christmas with her. I miss her so dearly. I talked to her and my father daily. They just slipped away from me.

All of my sister's have children, and I am NEVER invited to the Christmas Day. I feel like such an outcast. Like no one loves me, and I don't fit in with them because I don't have children. This is such an emotional time for me. All of the hurt resurfaces, and the feelings of loss. I am a mess. I cry when my husband is still in bed. I feel like he has seen enough of my blubbering and no need to make him upset as well.


Mourning is not good when you are alone, but I have no one else to cry and remember with. I really have come to dislike the holiday season due in some part to the overwhelming need for me to remember so much of the grief that until now has lain dormant. it all come flooding back as if it were just yesterday. I am not a drinker, never was much of one--but it is times like these when i could use a stiff one. I just don't know how to get myself out of this holiday funk. I put on a brave face for my hasband and his family--only to come home and cry like a baby when he is sleeping.

Lord, I want to have joy again. I want to put up a Christmas tree, and listen to the lovely music. I want to fill my home with the lovely smells of cinnamon and the deep earthy sent of sage--which by the way is awesome in the dressing. I miss my mom and dad. I loved the way her house smelled for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I miss their hugs and kisses. I just miss the way everyone would lay around afterward and watch the kids play and laugh. I miss the long naps sitting up on the old sofa while my dad played with his train. (Yes, he had toys too.) That is why it is so sad for me--why I try to stay away, my sadness is infectious andI do not wish it on anyone else.

I hope and pray that the Lord will find it in His infinite wisdom to help me have peace and true joy this year. There are so many first Christmas's for the little ones in my family this year. I only hope that mine will be like their's new and bright and beautiful.