Coming To Terms

That is so much easier said than done. I was just lying in my warm bed with my husband snoring softly beside me--and as I began to drift off to sleep the events of the day drifted back to mind. Funnny how that happens. My youngest sister brought her 3 children over this morning because she has no one else to help when her husband works on weekends and she does at times as well. There is a 1 year old, a 4 year old, and 11 year old.

I love them all dearly, but when they come for a visit it breaks my heart all over again. The baby calls me MaMa. It is laughable because she knows her mother--but it does something to my heart. It pulls at that most delicate part of me. She is beautiful, the biggest brown eyes, and the way she smiles when she sees me. It is innocence at it's purest. she follows me around and clings to me. She laughs when I tickle her--and she loves to snuggle next to me to nap.

The older two could care less as long as they have food and a TV they are fine, but there is something about that sweet little voice that drags me down. When they leave--the house is so quiet and lonely. That makes it a very sad place to be. Learning how to recover means that I would have to separate myself from those few special moments when the laughter of children makes our house a home. I do not know how I can do that when I jump at the chance to have them close, and answer the childish questions, and to settle their little tiffs. It is just so quite when they are not here.

My husband and I are pretty quiet people. There are times when we have to find each other to make sure that neither has left the house. That is a sad place to be. Besides that I am wondering how I can come to terms with something that I have known. I know what it feels like to be pregnant. To hold a newborn, (not my own, but you get the picture.) to have hope that maybe there was enough left for just one more miracle.

I hate to be such a gloomy person--but this is the only place where I have the freedom to be just how I feel, and to say it without any judgement. There are days when I just need to cry--today will be that day. I miss being called MaMa, even if it isn't my child. I miss her little warm face pressed close to mine. She gives the best hugs of anyone I know--because they are real and comforting, and not out of pity, but love. They are innocent, and just right with everything in this wrong world.

Coming to terms with some things are much easier than others. Like the passing of both of my parents, I knew that day was coming. You don't ever want to think about those things but you spend all of your adult life preparing yourself for the day when your parents will no longer be with you. This is something entirely different though. How do you bring yourself to the point where you are okay with not having the one thing that you have come so close to? How do you even begin to understand how to live without it--even though you already do? I know that is a real twister there. I am in a place where I just feel like G-D forgot about me. Like everything that I have done in my life that was good has been forgotten. I feel like even though I see and know of others who get their miracles everyday, that He just does not see fit to bless me. my sacrifices have counted for nothing, and everything that I have believed has been in vain. How do you come to terms with that?

AFTERTHOUGHT: There was a young lady that we helped out of a bad situation--(abusive relationship) and before she left our home she offered to have a baby for us. I foolishly dismissed needing such help. Now I wish that we had considered her offer. I know that it might never have happened, but it is the things that might have been that haunt us the most.