Another Month

Well--here I go again, this is where everything gets all blurry for me. I feel AF about to rear it's ugly head, and nothing that I can do about it. My poor Dh tries to comfort and understand--but to me it is just another few days when it feels like my body is laughing at me. She who laughs last, laughs best. So true.

I have seriously thought about--and I must say that I still am, seriously considering so way of stopping IT. I am not sure if anyone else can understand. These years have been so hard on me. Just to wake up and know that I have to face another 3 days of cramping, tears, hormones--period is just getting bigger than I am.

In my mind I feel as though there is a light at the end of this very dark tunnel, but there isn't. I feel like it would be so much better for my heart if I didn't have to deal with a monthly cycle that is basically of no use whatsoever. There will be no ovulation, there will be no positive pregnancy test. There will be nothing but another reminder of loss.

I thought for a while that it would just stop all alone--and that would have been just fine by me. Instead, like so many other things in my life it is just another way that life has thrown me the curve--and another strike out.

How do you begin to heal,, when my stupid body just will not close this chapter. There is really no hope of my doctors helping me. They say I am healthy(if they only knew) and very reluctant to chance the course of things. I HATE how I feel about living in my own skin. Not about who I am, but how I am. It is just another vicious circle in a life full of them.

I want to cry, but that does little good as it is not going to stop anything. I have prayed and ask the Lord to take this monthly turmoil from me. I simply do not understand. ( I sound crazy right now--because I am.) After all of the shots, and U/S, and money spent, and lost--there is nothing to show for it but my period. How crazy is that?

With every month, there is a VERY FALSE sense of hope. Even though I know that I can't be there is the primal part of me that so longs for hope and is so starved for it that, that very deep part of my mind hopes that it will not come even visualizing that there could be by some miracle just a little left for me. Something to hold on to. Some reason to believe. Laughable I know.

I don't know how much longer my poor heart can bare up under this tremendous sadness, and living in a constant state of loss. That is the most hurtful thing. I just want it to stop--period the end.