A Note To Jesus

Dear Lord Jesus,

You have saved me from so much, and sometimes even from myself--I am in a place right now that all I know is the storm that surrounds me and threatens to swallow me up. I am looking for you, and longing to hear your voice in that part of me that is ever still and waiting for you instruction--yet I cannot hear you.

You tell me in your word that when I am weak You are strong--I believe that, I really do. You also tell me that there is no temptation that is taken me that is not common unto man, but also with the temptation you make a way to escape it. I need a way out Lord. I need to find safety and peace. There is so little of either in my life right now. I am surrounded by confusion, sadness, and heartache.

I am tired Lord. My body hurts all of the time, my life consist of counting down the hours until my next pain pill. I want to be well, I want to do all of the things that I could do 1 year ago. I want to walk closer to you--yet I feel so far away. I cry so much now Lord, and it feels like that is all that I can do. I am trying Lord to stand in the storm, but it is far from easy.

Please Lord, will you not hear me when I cry? Will you not come? You said that you would leave the ninety and nine to seek the one lost sheep. It's me Lord, I am the lost one. I know the voice of my shepherd, the keeper of my soul, but I am alone now and surrounded by the hungry wolves. Will you not snatch me out of their midst and send them scattered into confusion?

How can I fight this Lord, even with armour? I am fighting for my life--with all of my might with all that I have in me. I am losing. I have been through so much in my short life--abuse of every kind, homelessness, rape. I lived through it all. I struggled but I am here--I always believed that if Icould live through those things that I could live through this. Lord I believed that there was something better on the other side of that suffering--I was wrong. It was just more suffering. What comes next? What am I being shoved into the fire for now? What did I do that was so terrible?

I am so tired, I have scars and open wounds alike--some opened many times over and barely healed before they are reopened again. I try so hard to be a blessing to others, some that I do not even know. I just want to have peace, I want healing for my body. I do not want to be an old woman before my time. I did not want to have any hope of having a family snatched away from me.

Thank you Lord for listening to me--even if you do not answer I know that you hear. I know that for some of us there is no end to the storm. It is just the path that you have chosen to allow us to walk. I do not understand it, I will not pretend to. I do not miss my old life, I only hoped for so much more for my new one. I know that YOUR will be done and not mine, yet that does not make the hurt any less. Please help me Lord to accept what you know as better for me that what I want. Amen.