Holidays For The Mother Of Lost Children

To me there are no holidays, at least not any that I really care to celebrate. There are always children and growing bellies, not my most favorite time. I prefer to stay at home cook, and enjoy reading or just smoozing the day away.

I know that my husband enjoys being around his family. My family is pretty much nonexsistant since my parents died in 2006. I don't think that I have really ever gotten to know my sisters in a way that would keep us together. We have all gone our separate ways and it is not ok, but I would much rather not be around them due to issues that I have with my eldest sister. Everyone meets in my home town (Greensboro, N.C.), or should I say the ones that have children. I have never been invited, I am guessing because I do not have children. I think the other reason is because my eldest sister has a baby by the man that I dated before I met my husband.

I have never felt wanted by them anyway, unless there was some thankless job that needed doing. Don't get me wrong I do not have Cinderella syndrome, but I always felt left out. Even with my husband's family I have always been less than welcome, just tolerated. It is just not easy being me. I should have lost my mind a long time ago. Maybe I have. I have heard that crazy people are always the last to know that they are.......:)

It is also the holiday season that bothers me because of my losses. My first on Dec.31,1995. I remember waking up on that New Year's Day, and thinking that my whole year would be a succession of losses. I was right, it was, but that is a story best told on another day. My most recent loss Oct.21,2007, it feels like the only thing that I have to look forward to on holidays are the anniversaries of losses. Not to mention the failed IVF in Feb. of this year.

I guess I am just tired of babies, and baby talk. Not in the sense that I do not like them, just that none of them are mine and I have nothing to share but my grief, and no one wants to hear about that. I feel so raw emotionally and you know how it is when you expose raw flesh to the elements. It stings, and sometimes becomes infected. You try to put ointment on it to sooth it and bandage it to keep it clean and dry. Then as soon as you see someone else holding your dream, you are exposed again. So I have decided for my sanity that if my husband wants to go he can go alone. I need to protect my broken heart and allow it time to heal to some degree, although I know that it will never really be as good as new.

I have have thought about doing something outwardly for my babies but I want to feel like they are still mine in my heart, in my most sacred place, and I do not want to share that with others. I still grieve almost 13 years now and I still remember that day. Time does not heal ALL wounds.