When Daylight Comes

I am usually up to meet it--with my sidekick a mutt from the local pound who was one day away from extinction. He takes his place right beside my computer chair and snores while I type. It is comforting until the high priced dog food that we have him on gives him a bout of gas--at which point I begin to laugh and gag, and he looks at me like--"why are you laughing, you did it." My pup has been a real comfort to me through my most recent downs.

I do sleep on occasion, but only for a few hours and only because of the drug induced haze that the morphine causes. I am then up and going until I can't take it any longer and have to sleep. There really isn't much to do in the wee hours of the morning. So here I am in front of the old pooter express pecking out the few coherent thoughts that I have.

I spend most of my time reading the blogs of some of the fabulous women who have left comments for me. It is an awesome experience to read the thoughts and experiences of someone else and know how they feel. I never thought that I would find that.

There are times when I will go to bed and just lay there thinking why I do not laugh anymore. There just isn't much to laugh about. Laughter is a sign of hope, and to some degree normalcy, but I do not have any of that anymore. I have lost my innocence.

I really don't have that much going on in my life except for the occasional dog fart, and infertility. No one really wants to talk about those things--but it is all I have right now.

I used to write poetry, I had almost forgotten that there was something creative in this eggless wasteland. It was good, not great--but it was me, and mine--it was who I was and not who I any longer am--but it was.

I wonder sometimes if I will ever again find that child-like romantic who was still just crazy enough to believe that anything was possible. I don't know, but I would hate to think that this too was lost to the sorrows, trials, and sufferings due to infertility and loss.

I used to have a sense of humor, I made people laugh--and that made me feel good. I used to be so many things before I became a lab rat, and a slave to trying to conceive. After that all of the seemingly good things that protected me, and helped me get through the hard parts was gone. I was exposed to the realness--and it hurt, and still does.

I do not consider myself a very deep person--I never did, but I always took pride in that there were things about me that I liked not sharing with others. My secret garden so to speak. All of that came to an end when everything in my garden died and never came back. When I tried to replant anything it died too. It is something in the soil. Some thing that refuses life, and joy and growth.

It is 5:19am and I am going to get a cup of coffee, and watch the sunrise. Eggless Wonder signing off.