Just Getting By

That Is how it feels most days. Like I am just getting by. I was thinking today, crazy I know. I almost felt like I could see myself in this deep dark hole where I could just barely make out a pinhole of light above me. the more I tried to get out the deeper I got. I know that sounds too much like depression, but not so. It is loss, and grief, sadness, pain (both physical and emotional). It was all of those things.

I believe that each and everyone of us has a hole in our lives, that hole can be the lack of something that we missed out on growing up, or a trauma in our later years, or even too much of something, but we all have a hole. I have not yet found a way to navigate mine. All I know is that it sux to have to live somewhere in someplace where no one understands you. Like being the only English speaking person in a room full of Chinese. It is uncomfortable, and you always feel like you stick out like a sore thumb no matter how you might try to fit in. You are still in that hole, that place where you are all alone with yourself, and even though you would like for people to understand they just can't, won't.

Maybe I should, could say it a little better: I wanted so much for my life, not in the way of wealth or fame, nothing like that. Just the simple things that make us the happiest. The things that cost nothing, but are priceless. The things like the birth of our children, sunset/rise on the beach, cool rain on our faces, the first touch of Autum, and the surprisingly bright first white blanket of snow.

Of all these things, none more wonderous, beautiful, memorable, or priceless than watching someone that sprang from love grow into a human being. That we are blessed to have charge over, to love and nurture. for those of us who long for and have not yet known that marvelous thing, it is unspeakable the sorrow that we carry. Searching all that life has to offer, and yet never finding the equal.

To see all of life's beauty and to have all of life's wisdom and understanding is nothing. To bring life beyond one's own is a miracle. The only one that we are capable of in our lowly flesh, and all of knowledge and wisdom outside of G-D himself cannot compare.

We know that life is full of suffering and sadness, these things we will endure, but to take the basis of who and what we are as humans, that leaves us pitiful indeed. If we could not meet and agree in love, faith, and the hope that there is something greater with these things than without them. Through that covenant bring forth life, then how sad a state are we in?

I have had so many tell me, "Don't give up, it well happen for you." and how would they know? It is all in effort to avoid the subject and to not acknowledge the suffering of a mother never to be.

We are so quiet about so many things today, and that is why they still happen. There have been times when I have been made to feel like a leper amongst my own family. No one wanted to hear, and I needed to be heard.

Infertility is not a disease that you catch by contact like the chicken pox. It is simply the voice of a mother longing for her dream. Crying for the children lost, and even more for the one that will never come. Yet are we so selfish and greedy that we seek to fulfill that need at a cost? What about the cost to a woman who cannot afford the desperately desired treatment for a family that she and her mate alone cannot make?

That woman is me. I am 36 and my husband 43 and at this point there is nothing that I can do. I have lost 2 children, one in 1995 by way of ectopic pregnancy, I also lost my right tube. One in 2007, and my left tube. I went through IVF in early 08 and found that I have Low ovarian reserve, and virtually no chance of ever having children without donor eggs.

I was just rambling. Sometimes that is good for the soul. Or at least I hope it is or I am in real trouble. Until next time........