Thanksgiving

Is a day to give thanks for all that we have. I am thankful for Jesus, and my life. I am thankful for my husband and our home. I am thankful for the comfort and support that I have found here in the safety of this blog.

I am trying so hard to be thankful an not sad and displaced--but it is hard. My eldest sister and my three nephews came by on turkey day. I met my new nephew for the first time. the one my sister had with my ex. He is a sweet little boy and took to me right away, I am quite proud of myself for not letting the sadness show. My 21yr old nephew is now on his way to his first tour in Iraq. Please pray that he will return home safe and whole.

I really don't know how to feel about my sister. There is still alot of hurt and feelings of betrayal on my part. I ask that the Lord heal me from that. I stayed at home home and my husband went to spend some time with his family. I schmoozed while he was gone. I had alot of pain and was not feeling well. By the time my husband got back home my sister and the boys were getting ready to leave. I am glad that they did not stay long.

I still feel so out of place around anyone with children. I have for so long tried to hide that and I just don't feel like I can anymore. I feel like it is best that I just stay away. I still am hoping that there will be a way made for us. I am no longer laboring under the false assumption that it will happen though. I know that miracles take work. I am willing to put in the hours and trusting G-D for the rest.

I am going to be putting things in order and clean out the room that was supposed to be our baby's. I do not go in there often(unless I HAVE to) only because I did not want to look at all of the sweet little baby clothes that I will never (without a miracle) have any use for. I am going to try to start on that Monday. I do not think that it will make me feel better, but it will make me feel like I am finally getting it that this part of it out of my hands. I need to close the chapter, even though I am not yet through with the book.

I talked to a friend yesterday, and it really amazes me how someone else's opinion on having children "the 'New' old fashioned way" can really get you down. I wanted to just break down crying. I wanted to get off the phone--but not before telling her that she could not understand unless and until she had become pregnant and Lord forbid lose it, and be told that without help there would be no children in you future. I try to take their opinions with a grain of salt--but it is not easy when facing the idea of never having children in the conventional way. Especially from someone who has never experienced pregnancy, or suffered the loss of her organs.

I think too that I am just too close to the situation to see it clearly from anyone else's point of view anyway. Not to mention that I am fragile right now. I want to be happy, I just don't feel like this is the time of year for me--both of my losses are so close to me right now, and everything seems so fresh in my mind. I was thinking last night that I would go to sleep, wake up and these past 12 (soon to be 13 ) years would be a bad dream. HA HA! Yeah right. I just feel dry right now, and kinda gloomy. We have rain coming for the next two days. I am happy about that--rainy days are my favorite. It is just somehow okay to feel yucky on rainy days.

I could use a couple of days to just sob. That is really the only thing that I have are the tears. That is okay too. I am getting used to them. This is a process--I only wish that I had known sooner that I was going to be where I am now. Maybe I could have steeled myself against it and protected my heart a little better--but I am here now and I have to learn how to work through it until I get to the next checkpoint. I am just feeling like 12 years is a long time to believe something only to find that it was all a lie, and you have to choose a different way to live.

If you made it through this rambling mess good for you.....;) If not I understand.

Open Doors

When we get the awesome opprtunity--when the door opens and the path is clear G-D is telling us to run for our lives. For our hopes and dreams, for the promise of Yea and Amen. I have had so few of these moments in my life, and it sometimes makes me want to second guess and turn and run to the darkness that I have hidden in for so long. Not so--not this time.

I was told by a friend of mine--a lady that has been a blessing to my life that G-D has a blessing with my name on it. I had a hard time receiving that just a few days ago, but as I am continually amazed by the love and graciousness of our Savior--I am finding those words and that hope sinking in.

I am of the firm belief that He will not allow us to suffer in vain--even though there are times when it seems that is exactly what we are doing. I have for so long felt like I was drowning in the losses and the betrayal of my own body. I have for so long awaited the saving grace that is so abundant with our Father--I awaited it and looked for it the way that I thought it should come. Not the way that He had it planned.

I am sure that we have all felt that way at some point in our lives. We want for G-D to do it but the way we would like for it to be done, and that was me. I am still amazed at His way and His will for my life. There is still sadness, but His light is oercoming the darkness in a way that I would NEVER have predicted or even thought about.

He has opened the door and cleared the way. I am going to run for my life. I am a miracle in the works. I have a testimony, and it is great. I would like to ask for all of those that read here regularly to please pray with me that His awesome will be done in our circumstances.

Come Out, Come Out Wherever You Are

I feel like I am calling all emotional baggage hiding out in my life. I have found that most of it is due to loss. I miss my mother and father so much. I miss the love that my mother had for the holiday season. She loved her Christmas tree, she was so sick--but she never let us know it. We did not know that this would be our last Christmas with her. I miss her so dearly. I talked to her and my father daily. They just slipped away from me.

All of my sister's have children, and I am NEVER invited to the Christmas Day. I feel like such an outcast. Like no one loves me, and I don't fit in with them because I don't have children. This is such an emotional time for me. All of the hurt resurfaces, and the feelings of loss. I am a mess. I cry when my husband is still in bed. I feel like he has seen enough of my blubbering and no need to make him upset as well.


Mourning is not good when you are alone, but I have no one else to cry and remember with. I really have come to dislike the holiday season due in some part to the overwhelming need for me to remember so much of the grief that until now has lain dormant. it all come flooding back as if it were just yesterday. I am not a drinker, never was much of one--but it is times like these when i could use a stiff one. I just don't know how to get myself out of this holiday funk. I put on a brave face for my hasband and his family--only to come home and cry like a baby when he is sleeping.

Lord, I want to have joy again. I want to put up a Christmas tree, and listen to the lovely music. I want to fill my home with the lovely smells of cinnamon and the deep earthy sent of sage--which by the way is awesome in the dressing. I miss my mom and dad. I loved the way her house smelled for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I miss their hugs and kisses. I just miss the way everyone would lay around afterward and watch the kids play and laugh. I miss the long naps sitting up on the old sofa while my dad played with his train. (Yes, he had toys too.) That is why it is so sad for me--why I try to stay away, my sadness is infectious andI do not wish it on anyone else.

I hope and pray that the Lord will find it in His infinite wisdom to help me have peace and true joy this year. There are so many first Christmas's for the little ones in my family this year. I only hope that mine will be like their's new and bright and beautiful.

A Note To Jesus

Dear Lord Jesus,

You have saved me from so much, and sometimes even from myself--I am in a place right now that all I know is the storm that surrounds me and threatens to swallow me up. I am looking for you, and longing to hear your voice in that part of me that is ever still and waiting for you instruction--yet I cannot hear you.

You tell me in your word that when I am weak You are strong--I believe that, I really do. You also tell me that there is no temptation that is taken me that is not common unto man, but also with the temptation you make a way to escape it. I need a way out Lord. I need to find safety and peace. There is so little of either in my life right now. I am surrounded by confusion, sadness, and heartache.

I am tired Lord. My body hurts all of the time, my life consist of counting down the hours until my next pain pill. I want to be well, I want to do all of the things that I could do 1 year ago. I want to walk closer to you--yet I feel so far away. I cry so much now Lord, and it feels like that is all that I can do. I am trying Lord to stand in the storm, but it is far from easy.

Please Lord, will you not hear me when I cry? Will you not come? You said that you would leave the ninety and nine to seek the one lost sheep. It's me Lord, I am the lost one. I know the voice of my shepherd, the keeper of my soul, but I am alone now and surrounded by the hungry wolves. Will you not snatch me out of their midst and send them scattered into confusion?

How can I fight this Lord, even with armour? I am fighting for my life--with all of my might with all that I have in me. I am losing. I have been through so much in my short life--abuse of every kind, homelessness, rape. I lived through it all. I struggled but I am here--I always believed that if Icould live through those things that I could live through this. Lord I believed that there was something better on the other side of that suffering--I was wrong. It was just more suffering. What comes next? What am I being shoved into the fire for now? What did I do that was so terrible?

I am so tired, I have scars and open wounds alike--some opened many times over and barely healed before they are reopened again. I try so hard to be a blessing to others, some that I do not even know. I just want to have peace, I want healing for my body. I do not want to be an old woman before my time. I did not want to have any hope of having a family snatched away from me.

Thank you Lord for listening to me--even if you do not answer I know that you hear. I know that for some of us there is no end to the storm. It is just the path that you have chosen to allow us to walk. I do not understand it, I will not pretend to. I do not miss my old life, I only hoped for so much more for my new one. I know that YOUR will be done and not mine, yet that does not make the hurt any less. Please help me Lord to accept what you know as better for me that what I want. Amen.

This Winding Road

I am still surprised at times how happy I can be for others, and yet so utterly lost for myself. The living childless thing is new to me--so please forgive the constant sadness. I am sure that with time I will get used to it. I am not so sure however that I will ever truly heal from it.

This journey is not by any means for the faint of heart. There are times when I long so badly for any little sign of hope or help. There are moments when although life goes on--you still feel like you are in two places at the same time. It is like I am living a double life.

There is the me that wants for everyone to see that I am still alive and kicking, and the other that would like nothing better that to scream from the roof tops how badly my life is suffering and my body longing for children. It is not fun. Not in the least.

So many of the things that we decided to do early on in our marriage depended on having children, and raising our family. We talked as if we already had children. It is not just the loss of children that we are dealing with here, but the loss of hopes, dreams, family. There is no loss of love, but when have planned and spoken these things to life--prayed believed and trusted, it is so hard to not think on those things.

As a matter of fact before my last pregnancy in Oct of last year my husband and I bonded like never before. We had been told that we would not have children or even become pregnant without help from science. I would not believe that. We prayed and spoke life into my womb. Believed that the Lord would give us children. It was only about a month later that I got pregnant, and Oct 4th that I got a possitive pregnancy test. On the 21st. I was back in the hospital for them to tell me that it was another ectopic. I could not understand why would G-D allow me to become pregnant only to lose another child with such pain and suffering. I have never had a pregnancy in my uterus. I could not help but to feel like I was and still being punished for some awful wrong.

I still do not know what else to do. I want to believe that just like with the pregnancy that there may someday be a way made that I might by some move of
G-D that there will be enough money for donor eggs, or embryo adoption. I am not holding my breath. It just amazes me how we had even made plans to try a donor egg cycle--now here we are in the midst of the economic crisis. How do you like that. There is nothing more to be said or done it is just a case of having everything that we have wanted for a family thrown down and trampled on. How do you hope through these things? Any suggestions?

When Daylight Comes

I am usually up to meet it--with my sidekick a mutt from the local pound who was one day away from extinction. He takes his place right beside my computer chair and snores while I type. It is comforting until the high priced dog food that we have him on gives him a bout of gas--at which point I begin to laugh and gag, and he looks at me like--"why are you laughing, you did it." My pup has been a real comfort to me through my most recent downs.

I do sleep on occasion, but only for a few hours and only because of the drug induced haze that the morphine causes. I am then up and going until I can't take it any longer and have to sleep. There really isn't much to do in the wee hours of the morning. So here I am in front of the old pooter express pecking out the few coherent thoughts that I have.

I spend most of my time reading the blogs of some of the fabulous women who have left comments for me. It is an awesome experience to read the thoughts and experiences of someone else and know how they feel. I never thought that I would find that.

There are times when I will go to bed and just lay there thinking why I do not laugh anymore. There just isn't much to laugh about. Laughter is a sign of hope, and to some degree normalcy, but I do not have any of that anymore. I have lost my innocence.

I really don't have that much going on in my life except for the occasional dog fart, and infertility. No one really wants to talk about those things--but it is all I have right now.

I used to write poetry, I had almost forgotten that there was something creative in this eggless wasteland. It was good, not great--but it was me, and mine--it was who I was and not who I any longer am--but it was.

I wonder sometimes if I will ever again find that child-like romantic who was still just crazy enough to believe that anything was possible. I don't know, but I would hate to think that this too was lost to the sorrows, trials, and sufferings due to infertility and loss.

I used to have a sense of humor, I made people laugh--and that made me feel good. I used to be so many things before I became a lab rat, and a slave to trying to conceive. After that all of the seemingly good things that protected me, and helped me get through the hard parts was gone. I was exposed to the realness--and it hurt, and still does.

I do not consider myself a very deep person--I never did, but I always took pride in that there were things about me that I liked not sharing with others. My secret garden so to speak. All of that came to an end when everything in my garden died and never came back. When I tried to replant anything it died too. It is something in the soil. Some thing that refuses life, and joy and growth.

It is 5:19am and I am going to get a cup of coffee, and watch the sunrise. Eggless Wonder signing off.

Another Month

Well--here I go again, this is where everything gets all blurry for me. I feel AF about to rear it's ugly head, and nothing that I can do about it. My poor Dh tries to comfort and understand--but to me it is just another few days when it feels like my body is laughing at me. She who laughs last, laughs best. So true.

I have seriously thought about--and I must say that I still am, seriously considering so way of stopping IT. I am not sure if anyone else can understand. These years have been so hard on me. Just to wake up and know that I have to face another 3 days of cramping, tears, hormones--period is just getting bigger than I am.

In my mind I feel as though there is a light at the end of this very dark tunnel, but there isn't. I feel like it would be so much better for my heart if I didn't have to deal with a monthly cycle that is basically of no use whatsoever. There will be no ovulation, there will be no positive pregnancy test. There will be nothing but another reminder of loss.

I thought for a while that it would just stop all alone--and that would have been just fine by me. Instead, like so many other things in my life it is just another way that life has thrown me the curve--and another strike out.

How do you begin to heal,, when my stupid body just will not close this chapter. There is really no hope of my doctors helping me. They say I am healthy(if they only knew) and very reluctant to chance the course of things. I HATE how I feel about living in my own skin. Not about who I am, but how I am. It is just another vicious circle in a life full of them.

I want to cry, but that does little good as it is not going to stop anything. I have prayed and ask the Lord to take this monthly turmoil from me. I simply do not understand. ( I sound crazy right now--because I am.) After all of the shots, and U/S, and money spent, and lost--there is nothing to show for it but my period. How crazy is that?

With every month, there is a VERY FALSE sense of hope. Even though I know that I can't be there is the primal part of me that so longs for hope and is so starved for it that, that very deep part of my mind hopes that it will not come even visualizing that there could be by some miracle just a little left for me. Something to hold on to. Some reason to believe. Laughable I know.

I don't know how much longer my poor heart can bare up under this tremendous sadness, and living in a constant state of loss. That is the most hurtful thing. I just want it to stop--period the end.