I know that there is nothing that I can do about it, but I can remember. Almost like it was yesterday. I miss my baby. I missed out on so much, and here I am 2and 1/2 months away from 37, and still no children. I envy those who are able to become pregnant on their own. I do not envy their losses, that is a hurt never forgotten, butthe fact that they can become pregnant with their husband without a doctor is something that I will never have without the help of GOD.
It is even harder to believe that it has been over a year since I lost my lasy pregnancy. I am alone in my hurt. I hurt mor ethan anyone knows. I find it harder since I have been on the meds to show emotion. I am sure that is one of the side effects. I am just heartbroken. Is there nothing for me?
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Really Bad Year!!!!
I am not saying that I am not glad to be alive, but I am sad and somewhat depressed. I did not have a good Christmas and I am not looking forward New Year's Eve either that will be the 13th anniversary of my first loss.
I do not know what kind of day that will be I am planning on just staying at home in bed and I am hoping that my husband be able to buy me a few skeins of yarn to finish my sweater. I hope that we will be able to afford a few more. I just don't know. money is tight and I am not sure that we will be able to afford much.
My husband needs medicine and there are always bills that need to be paid. I was also hoping too that I would be able to get a couple more books with some patterns for sweaters.
That is all for now....
I do not know what kind of day that will be I am planning on just staying at home in bed and I am hoping that my husband be able to buy me a few skeins of yarn to finish my sweater. I hope that we will be able to afford a few more. I just don't know. money is tight and I am not sure that we will be able to afford much.
My husband needs medicine and there are always bills that need to be paid. I was also hoping too that I would be able to get a couple more books with some patterns for sweaters.
That is all for now....
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Humbug!
The bitterness has set in and I just am at a place where there is nothing more to be said for happy holidays until I have a family of my own to have one with. My hopes are not high for that anyway.
I am just completely worn out about this time of the season. I do not want to be around anyone for any reason. I am not looking forward to seeing anyone today. I have been up all night and in a very foul mood.
I don't want to be around any children today as they are here all the time and this is not a day when I want them around. They always seem to levitate toward me and that makes me angry. All I want to do is to saty at home and sleep and watch some TV.
Our baby, if he/she had been born would be about 6 months old and it would be their first Christmas. I think about all of the things that would have been, and here I am another year of hurt and suffering through another day.
I am so beyond hurting. I don't know what else to do. I am not in a good place and I just don't want to be around anyone. I just want to be left alone. My husband wants me to cook, but I do not even want to do that. There is no safe place for me.
Why did my baby have to die? Why couldn't I have a good Christmas for once? I just do not understand. I had so much hope when I was pregnant, but it all went away. I would like to know why there is nothing for me. NOTHING!!!!! Where is my baby? My family? I do not know anymore. I am so angry at everything. I am just through.
I am just completely worn out about this time of the season. I do not want to be around anyone for any reason. I am not looking forward to seeing anyone today. I have been up all night and in a very foul mood.
I don't want to be around any children today as they are here all the time and this is not a day when I want them around. They always seem to levitate toward me and that makes me angry. All I want to do is to saty at home and sleep and watch some TV.
Our baby, if he/she had been born would be about 6 months old and it would be their first Christmas. I think about all of the things that would have been, and here I am another year of hurt and suffering through another day.
I am so beyond hurting. I don't know what else to do. I am not in a good place and I just don't want to be around anyone. I just want to be left alone. My husband wants me to cook, but I do not even want to do that. There is no safe place for me.
Why did my baby have to die? Why couldn't I have a good Christmas for once? I just do not understand. I had so much hope when I was pregnant, but it all went away. I would like to know why there is nothing for me. NOTHING!!!!! Where is my baby? My family? I do not know anymore. I am so angry at everything. I am just through.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
What People Say When They Want To Help....
Sometimes people say things that upset you more than help when you are just not feeling the "hope" thing. Like, "everything will be okay", and just how would they know. Everything has not been okay in a long while.
Another one that I really hate is, " you time will come". Where do people get this stuff from? I know that they are trying to help, but if you don't know what to say don't say anything at all. I would understand better if they would just tell me that they don't know what to say.
This is more than I can bare at times, and I don't know how much longer that I can. I know that there is nothing that I can do about it, but the time of year brings everything back to you brand new.
I hate those times when nothing seems to flush away the constant flood of hopes and the heartache of the memories. It is too much most of the time, and hard on my mind. I feel like i am not far from a break and when it comes it will come hard. I am cycling again. I know the signs and they are familiar as I have experienced them manys times before.
There is just no relief from the constant feelings of loss and inadequacy. I think that I am just tired of it all. I am more than tired, I am exhausted. There are children everywhere and none of them are mine, that is the most sad thing of all. I just want to run, but where would I run to? How would help me? I just don't know what else to do. I am beyond understanding. My poor heart and mind is crushed. I am beaten. I feel so lost in my own home and body and life. All I have is the memories and none of them are good ones.
Another one that I really hate is, " you time will come". Where do people get this stuff from? I know that they are trying to help, but if you don't know what to say don't say anything at all. I would understand better if they would just tell me that they don't know what to say.
This is more than I can bare at times, and I don't know how much longer that I can. I know that there is nothing that I can do about it, but the time of year brings everything back to you brand new.
I hate those times when nothing seems to flush away the constant flood of hopes and the heartache of the memories. It is too much most of the time, and hard on my mind. I feel like i am not far from a break and when it comes it will come hard. I am cycling again. I know the signs and they are familiar as I have experienced them manys times before.
There is just no relief from the constant feelings of loss and inadequacy. I think that I am just tired of it all. I am more than tired, I am exhausted. There are children everywhere and none of them are mine, that is the most sad thing of all. I just want to run, but where would I run to? How would help me? I just don't know what else to do. I am beyond understanding. My poor heart and mind is crushed. I am beaten. I feel so lost in my own home and body and life. All I have is the memories and none of them are good ones.
Sad
I am just sad beyond belief right now. I don't know what to do with myself. I am feeling so lost and hurt. I thought that things would have been so different this year. I thought that we would have had a baby by now and we would have our very own little Christmas as a family.
It was not to be and maybe never will be. I do not know how to deal with that. I do not think that I am even dealing with it now. I am going through the worst time in my life. I have not known what happiness is for more than a year now. The last time I was truly happy was when I saw that possitive pregnancy test October 4,2007. Other than that life has just been a succession of hurts and wounds open again and again.
I do not like leaving my house even for a little while. If I do I want to get back to the safety of my empty house as soon as possible. I have no life right now and do not expect one anytime soon.
I do not know what to do or even begin to feel human again. I feel like I am in this place alone, and I don't want to leave it.
I am going through with the IVF next year, but I am also not going to get my hopes up about anything. I can't affort to do that. I don't want to feel like there is any such thing. Just longing and crying for so many years has put me in a place where I do not want to believe that anything good can or will happen for me.
I do not know what will happen. I do feel like that whatever will happen will not be in my favor.
It was not to be and maybe never will be. I do not know how to deal with that. I do not think that I am even dealing with it now. I am going through the worst time in my life. I have not known what happiness is for more than a year now. The last time I was truly happy was when I saw that possitive pregnancy test October 4,2007. Other than that life has just been a succession of hurts and wounds open again and again.
I do not like leaving my house even for a little while. If I do I want to get back to the safety of my empty house as soon as possible. I have no life right now and do not expect one anytime soon.
I do not know what to do or even begin to feel human again. I feel like I am in this place alone, and I don't want to leave it.
I am going through with the IVF next year, but I am also not going to get my hopes up about anything. I can't affort to do that. I don't want to feel like there is any such thing. Just longing and crying for so many years has put me in a place where I do not want to believe that anything good can or will happen for me.
I do not know what will happen. I do feel like that whatever will happen will not be in my favor.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Acceptance?????
How do you accept the fact that you are just not meant to have children? that there is nothing left, no way out? How do you find hope and help in a situation like mine? I just don't know. I feel like there is no way out for me. I just do not feel like even if we do IVF that it will work anyway. I am no depending on my sister either. She has so much going on in her life right now that trying to get pregnant for us would be an even further strain on her.
I really want to scream.. I want to cry, but more than that I am angry and feeling lost. I know that my husband tries to understand but there is just no way that he could know. He wants to make it all better for me, and he always says things that are menat to cheer me up and help me have hope, but all it does is make me angry because he does not want to deal with the negative aspects of what we are going through.
It is all my fault anyway. If I had not been so lost when I was young and tried to find love in anyone who showed me affection I would not be here now. I would have had a family long ago... I am stupid and dumb and crazy. I hate myself for what I have done, not only to myself but to my children, and to my husband. Now I have to accept and live with the fact that all of this is my fault. I HATE MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I really want to scream.. I want to cry, but more than that I am angry and feeling lost. I know that my husband tries to understand but there is just no way that he could know. He wants to make it all better for me, and he always says things that are menat to cheer me up and help me have hope, but all it does is make me angry because he does not want to deal with the negative aspects of what we are going through.
It is all my fault anyway. If I had not been so lost when I was young and tried to find love in anyone who showed me affection I would not be here now. I would have had a family long ago... I am stupid and dumb and crazy. I hate myself for what I have done, not only to myself but to my children, and to my husband. Now I have to accept and live with the fact that all of this is my fault. I HATE MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Hurting
I really am having a hard time. I am having terrible cramping. I am hurting emotionally too. I feel like there really is nothing left for me... I am truly at the point where if there is IVF and nothing comes of it I am going to have a hysterectomy. I cannot go through this monthly punishment anymore.
I am always sad and lonely there is just no sense in suffering needlessly. If there is something that can be done about it. I am just tired more than anyone but God knows. My heart is constantly broken. I cannot live like this anymore. My life is sad anyway, why should I continue to put myself through all of this for nothing.
Having a period every month is just adding to everything else that I am going through. I know that I should have a 4 or 5 month old now, and I have nothing but a piece of paper saying that I am not pregnant anymore. Not to mention the blood that never fails to show every month.
My missing one day and how I reacted to it just shows how sad a case i am and how i am longing for the one thing that seems out of reach for me... I may never have a baby and I have to livewith that no matter how I might not want to.....
I am always sad and lonely there is just no sense in suffering needlessly. If there is something that can be done about it. I am just tired more than anyone but God knows. My heart is constantly broken. I cannot live like this anymore. My life is sad anyway, why should I continue to put myself through all of this for nothing.
Having a period every month is just adding to everything else that I am going through. I know that I should have a 4 or 5 month old now, and I have nothing but a piece of paper saying that I am not pregnant anymore. Not to mention the blood that never fails to show every month.
My missing one day and how I reacted to it just shows how sad a case i am and how i am longing for the one thing that seems out of reach for me... I may never have a baby and I have to livewith that no matter how I might not want to.....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)