I AM: Strong, I would have to be having been through so much and not having lost it all.
I AM: Weak, it does not take anything away from my strength, it just means that I am human.
I AM: Blessed, sometimes I do not say that enough--sometimes I don't believe it. But I am, more than I know.
I AM: Loved, because i am a child of the most high God. I am loved by people who do not even know me, and I am loved because He loves me.
I AM: Humbled by the encouragment of a young woman who I met through this blog, who more than anyone else has made me want to hug her many days and tell her I wish that she were not so far away. To tell her that she embodies all the things that I strive to become through this journey.
I AM: Learning that all of the things that I am does not lessen all the things that I will become. I am being molded and shaped, and that hurts. I am being changed daily and that is a very uncomfortable process.
I AM: Going to be better today than I was yesterday, and I am going to struggle, hurt, love, be loved, I am going to be humbled, and I am going to learn, but of all these things I am still going to be a child of a God who loves me, and because of that I am going to grow.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Focus
Is now on trying to live with pain and the constant feeling of not living but exsisting until that moment comes when I am once again under the knife. I still want children so badly that my heart aches constantly. It is an undertaking to do any small task and I am having to use a walker to move around my house.
I feel old and tired and sad, and more than anything useless. My husband has been a true rock through all of this and more man than I could ever have hoped for. The Lord has truly been good to me through my husband. Standing by me thrrough our battle with infertility has been so much more than I could ever have asked for. But for him to have to care for me in this way now is even harder for me to take.
I stay in a drug induced stupor most of the day, and when I am not I am in constant pain. April 15th cannot come soon enough. I want my life back, or at least what there was of it.
The longing for children in my life has not left even my dreams are filled with the hope that one day I may be a mother. I awake feeling like I don't know where or who I am. I still believe that if it is His will it will be done. Although my heart still aches.
That is all that I have in me right now, I am getting dizzy even now as I type this. I do not know when or if I will blog anytime soon as I cannot sit up for long. I am thinking of you all.....
Amy
I feel old and tired and sad, and more than anything useless. My husband has been a true rock through all of this and more man than I could ever have hoped for. The Lord has truly been good to me through my husband. Standing by me thrrough our battle with infertility has been so much more than I could ever have asked for. But for him to have to care for me in this way now is even harder for me to take.
I stay in a drug induced stupor most of the day, and when I am not I am in constant pain. April 15th cannot come soon enough. I want my life back, or at least what there was of it.
The longing for children in my life has not left even my dreams are filled with the hope that one day I may be a mother. I awake feeling like I don't know where or who I am. I still believe that if it is His will it will be done. Although my heart still aches.
That is all that I have in me right now, I am getting dizzy even now as I type this. I do not know when or if I will blog anytime soon as I cannot sit up for long. I am thinking of you all.....
Amy
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
April 15th
Is the big day, I finally meet my surgeon. I suspect that my situation was bad enough tha instead of the July 7th appointment that they had set for me they were able to get me in much sooner.
I have been so doped up as of late I have not been much of a blogger or much at keeping up wih those blogs that I follow. For that I am so sorry.
On the infertility front, nothing new, just really sad. I am so not looking forward to life without children. There were so many things that I wanted to be able to teach them. I wanted to show them how to hatch baby chicks. That was one of the best things that my dad showed us how to do and we were so amazed. I loved that he gave me the love of all things growing and nature itself.
I must also mention that I am mre than tired of the "mother" of these poor little babies making a name for herself and people like me and so many others get theown in a dark room and forgotten about. i am no longer watching Dr. Phil because he has just flooded his shows about this so called mother and her issues.
I am just sick to death of the whole saga. I hope that one day these kids grow up and find out what the rest of the world already knows about their "mother", that she is a lost, selfish, ignorant, hot mess. That is my toast to her.
I know so much of this is the drugs talking, but I am tired of being infertile!!!!! I want children too I want for someone to recognize that you are not infertile if you have 6 pregnancies through IVF one of them with 8 babaies! I want someone to know how much it cost for someone even with insurance to have a treatment! I want them to know that there is no help for someone who cannot afford donor eggs!
I want someone to hear me! I am infertile. This woman used the system and all of her wiles to get what she wanted! I can't get any help at all. I can't even adopt and this nut case can have 14 children. Give me a break! And if her Father bought a 500,000 house I will kiss the but of the monkey that the money came from. that house was bought off the backs of these poor babies.
Can you tell that I am sick of it? I need help too, we all do. We need fair treatment. We need someone to bring us on a show and ask us how they can help us.
THE END>
I have been so doped up as of late I have not been much of a blogger or much at keeping up wih those blogs that I follow. For that I am so sorry.
On the infertility front, nothing new, just really sad. I am so not looking forward to life without children. There were so many things that I wanted to be able to teach them. I wanted to show them how to hatch baby chicks. That was one of the best things that my dad showed us how to do and we were so amazed. I loved that he gave me the love of all things growing and nature itself.
I must also mention that I am mre than tired of the "mother" of these poor little babies making a name for herself and people like me and so many others get theown in a dark room and forgotten about. i am no longer watching Dr. Phil because he has just flooded his shows about this so called mother and her issues.
I am just sick to death of the whole saga. I hope that one day these kids grow up and find out what the rest of the world already knows about their "mother", that she is a lost, selfish, ignorant, hot mess. That is my toast to her.
I know so much of this is the drugs talking, but I am tired of being infertile!!!!! I want children too I want for someone to recognize that you are not infertile if you have 6 pregnancies through IVF one of them with 8 babaies! I want someone to know how much it cost for someone even with insurance to have a treatment! I want them to know that there is no help for someone who cannot afford donor eggs!
I want someone to hear me! I am infertile. This woman used the system and all of her wiles to get what she wanted! I can't get any help at all. I can't even adopt and this nut case can have 14 children. Give me a break! And if her Father bought a 500,000 house I will kiss the but of the monkey that the money came from. that house was bought off the backs of these poor babies.
Can you tell that I am sick of it? I need help too, we all do. We need fair treatment. We need someone to bring us on a show and ask us how they can help us.
THE END>
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Really Bad News.....
For the past couple of days I have been have the worst pain I have felt since my loss. I ranted and raved until I was finally called back by my neurologist. I am now on even more powerful pain meds, and I was told today that I will have to have surgery or I will be looking at a life of being paralyzed.
The doc told me that the report from the MRI that I had in October did not do justice to my condition. His exact words were that my neck is in "horrible", shape. I am glad that someone finally believes that there is something truly wrong after years of hearing that it was all in my head. I am not however looking forward to another very painful, very involved surgery. I have to do it though I cannot take the pain anymore. I am on the type and enough meds now to knock a horse over, and it is doing nothing for the actual pain. So on to bigger and better things.
I should be sleeping right now, but I cannot sleep more than an hour or two. If I shift an inch or two I am awake. Tomorrow I will have the new meds and I know that I will be out of it most of the time, but I have no choice. It is either be zonked out of my mind or suffer horrendous pain. I will take being zonked thank you...
I am not sure if or when I will post again. I will be having my surgery soon, but I will look in on you all from time to time.
Much love and peace to you all, until....
The doc told me that the report from the MRI that I had in October did not do justice to my condition. His exact words were that my neck is in "horrible", shape. I am glad that someone finally believes that there is something truly wrong after years of hearing that it was all in my head. I am not however looking forward to another very painful, very involved surgery. I have to do it though I cannot take the pain anymore. I am on the type and enough meds now to knock a horse over, and it is doing nothing for the actual pain. So on to bigger and better things.
I should be sleeping right now, but I cannot sleep more than an hour or two. If I shift an inch or two I am awake. Tomorrow I will have the new meds and I know that I will be out of it most of the time, but I have no choice. It is either be zonked out of my mind or suffer horrendous pain. I will take being zonked thank you...
I am not sure if or when I will post again. I will be having my surgery soon, but I will look in on you all from time to time.
Much love and peace to you all, until....
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
The Realization.....
That I am not going to have children does not stop my heart from longing. It is one of those things that makes you wonder who you are and where you belong in this world. I know things that I wish I had never learned. Losing your innocence in such a way takes so much more than your innocence. It takes a tremendous toll on the way that you view your world.
It takes your dreams and hopes and makes them as though they never were. It makes your life incomplete. There is only one thing besides the Lord that can fill that void, and that is a child.
I don't really feel like blogging, or much of anything else. I am having one of those spells where everything hurts, and not just my body. I am not sad, just hurting. I will be 37 in just over 2 weeks and looking back at another year where I will not be a mother brings that old feeling of loss again.
I am sure that I will get over it all eventually, I just don't know what else I can do to fix what is going on right now. I wish that those thoughts just simply would not come, but they do. Feb. is the month that we found out that I was not going to be able to have children without donor eggs. It seems as though it were only yesterday. Even when I find myself not thinking about anything having to do with my situation, it just creeps up on me. It is hard to life with the fact that I am less than. I was never mean to have children.
I was 25 when I became pregnant the first time. I was beyond devastated with that loss. Not to mention the fact that I almost died. There was nothing that I could do about it then and there is nothing that I can do about it now. But that does not make it hurt any less. Just the thought that the failures I have suffered over the years have driven home the fact that there was something wrong with me from the very beginning that no one saw.
All of the doctors, testing, trying, tears, nothing has done any good. My husband cmae home the other day and told me that a lady that he works with who got pregnant with her second IVF. Matter of fact we met at the RE's office. I digress, anyway he told me that she had her second baby that she got pregnant without intervention and just returned to work. I suppose that he tells me these things to help me to keep hope alive for us, but it isn't working.
I know that there is not a thig that I can do to change what has happened, but I still feel like I should have at least been able to give my husband at least one child.
It takes your dreams and hopes and makes them as though they never were. It makes your life incomplete. There is only one thing besides the Lord that can fill that void, and that is a child.
I don't really feel like blogging, or much of anything else. I am having one of those spells where everything hurts, and not just my body. I am not sad, just hurting. I will be 37 in just over 2 weeks and looking back at another year where I will not be a mother brings that old feeling of loss again.
I am sure that I will get over it all eventually, I just don't know what else I can do to fix what is going on right now. I wish that those thoughts just simply would not come, but they do. Feb. is the month that we found out that I was not going to be able to have children without donor eggs. It seems as though it were only yesterday. Even when I find myself not thinking about anything having to do with my situation, it just creeps up on me. It is hard to life with the fact that I am less than. I was never mean to have children.
I was 25 when I became pregnant the first time. I was beyond devastated with that loss. Not to mention the fact that I almost died. There was nothing that I could do about it then and there is nothing that I can do about it now. But that does not make it hurt any less. Just the thought that the failures I have suffered over the years have driven home the fact that there was something wrong with me from the very beginning that no one saw.
All of the doctors, testing, trying, tears, nothing has done any good. My husband cmae home the other day and told me that a lady that he works with who got pregnant with her second IVF. Matter of fact we met at the RE's office. I digress, anyway he told me that she had her second baby that she got pregnant without intervention and just returned to work. I suppose that he tells me these things to help me to keep hope alive for us, but it isn't working.
I know that there is not a thig that I can do to change what has happened, but I still feel like I should have at least been able to give my husband at least one child.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Baby Blues
Not depressed, just a little blue. Today is one of those days where I am feeling the loss. I don't really feel too terrible, just wanting to be a mother. My sisters children just won't do on a day like today. I still want a child of my own.
The understanding that me + having a baby just won't happen is very real today. I know that it will go away eventually, but it is still a very hard thing to deal with. I think that I will go to the Library today and pick out a book or two. Maybe that will take my mind off of the "No Baby Blues".
I love my husband so much, but he still feels like there is a chance that we still might be able to afford donor eggs. My concerns are that even though we have the eggs and I am able to conceive, how would I carry a baby with my health issues? I think that thinking about his feelings about all of this has me in this mood. He wants a baby as badly as I do. I just do not believe that it is a reality for me.
Oh brother, it seems like whenever I take one step forward I am set back 2 more. It makes me think again of all that I am lacking. Not to mention the financial climate, and the simple fact that trying anything while I am in the midst of issues with my body would be a disaster. We have talked, and though I really try to avoid that particular conversation, I cannot deny him the right to express how he feels about having children. I can't even fault him for not wanting to give up. I just feel so sad for him. He is a very good man, and a loving and caring husband.
In other news, I talked to one of my sisters, who since my parents passed and she decided to return to her VERY abusive boyfriend we have not spoken very often. We used to be so close, and were able to talk about everything. Well, she told me that she might have uterine cancer, and may have to have a hysterectomy. I would like to ask that if you know the words of prayer, please pray for her and her children.
My other sister the one who has a child with my ex is getting married to him in August. I am not sure what to think about all of that. I don't have any feelings for him, but it is out of concern for my sister that I worry. I know what kind of man he is. More importantly I know what kind of man he isn't.
The understanding that me + having a baby just won't happen is very real today. I know that it will go away eventually, but it is still a very hard thing to deal with. I think that I will go to the Library today and pick out a book or two. Maybe that will take my mind off of the "No Baby Blues".
I love my husband so much, but he still feels like there is a chance that we still might be able to afford donor eggs. My concerns are that even though we have the eggs and I am able to conceive, how would I carry a baby with my health issues? I think that thinking about his feelings about all of this has me in this mood. He wants a baby as badly as I do. I just do not believe that it is a reality for me.
Oh brother, it seems like whenever I take one step forward I am set back 2 more. It makes me think again of all that I am lacking. Not to mention the financial climate, and the simple fact that trying anything while I am in the midst of issues with my body would be a disaster. We have talked, and though I really try to avoid that particular conversation, I cannot deny him the right to express how he feels about having children. I can't even fault him for not wanting to give up. I just feel so sad for him. He is a very good man, and a loving and caring husband.
In other news, I talked to one of my sisters, who since my parents passed and she decided to return to her VERY abusive boyfriend we have not spoken very often. We used to be so close, and were able to talk about everything. Well, she told me that she might have uterine cancer, and may have to have a hysterectomy. I would like to ask that if you know the words of prayer, please pray for her and her children.
My other sister the one who has a child with my ex is getting married to him in August. I am not sure what to think about all of that. I don't have any feelings for him, but it is out of concern for my sister that I worry. I know what kind of man he is. More importantly I know what kind of man he isn't.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Going Through, and Stepping out into the Marvelous Light
It is a part of life, and sometimes (more often than not in my case) that means going through over and over again. I must admit though that I am not trapped by the sad thoughts like I have been. I am learning to live with what I have been dealt and that is a good thing.
I will not lie and say that it doesn't hurt because it does, but 13 years is a long time and I have to move from this place or I will not grow. I feel like I am leaving my babies behind in a way. It is an odd feeling. I know that I will always love and miss them, but I also cannot continue to live like I have been. I want to know who I am again. I used to love to read and thanks to my lovely bloggy friend Stacey I am getting that stirring again. She by the way has truly been an inspiration to me, she is more powerful than she will ever know--and humble to boot. Her words do more good than she could ever imagine, and her kindness to me has gone a long way. I am thankful for her and the precious women who have left their thoughts and offers of prayers here. Thankful indeed.
Going through does not mean that you are always suffering, it just means that you are just "going through" a rough patch, and when you are past it you can go on. I feel like going on. I must admit that I am not a physically well person, but there is nothing wrong with my mind, and I can still love, help, and be helped. I used to go to the SA and help out there too. It made me feel needed. It made me feel like if one more person was able to accept Christ because of something that I said or did I was blessed too.
I can't do that anymore, but I am sure that if I put my mind to and my heart in it I can find a way to help. I am trying to say thank you for finding me when I was lost Jesus. Thank you for sending your angels to guide me out of this very sad dark place in my life. Thank you Lord for hearing me when I could not hear you.
You all have supported me so much more than you will ever know. Okay tearing up now time to go...... Thanks again.....
I will not lie and say that it doesn't hurt because it does, but 13 years is a long time and I have to move from this place or I will not grow. I feel like I am leaving my babies behind in a way. It is an odd feeling. I know that I will always love and miss them, but I also cannot continue to live like I have been. I want to know who I am again. I used to love to read and thanks to my lovely bloggy friend Stacey I am getting that stirring again. She by the way has truly been an inspiration to me, she is more powerful than she will ever know--and humble to boot. Her words do more good than she could ever imagine, and her kindness to me has gone a long way. I am thankful for her and the precious women who have left their thoughts and offers of prayers here. Thankful indeed.
Going through does not mean that you are always suffering, it just means that you are just "going through" a rough patch, and when you are past it you can go on. I feel like going on. I must admit that I am not a physically well person, but there is nothing wrong with my mind, and I can still love, help, and be helped. I used to go to the SA and help out there too. It made me feel needed. It made me feel like if one more person was able to accept Christ because of something that I said or did I was blessed too.
I can't do that anymore, but I am sure that if I put my mind to and my heart in it I can find a way to help. I am trying to say thank you for finding me when I was lost Jesus. Thank you for sending your angels to guide me out of this very sad dark place in my life. Thank you Lord for hearing me when I could not hear you.
You all have supported me so much more than you will ever know. Okay tearing up now time to go...... Thanks again.....
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