For the past couple of days I have been have the worst pain I have felt since my loss. I ranted and raved until I was finally called back by my neurologist. I am now on even more powerful pain meds, and I was told today that I will have to have surgery or I will be looking at a life of being paralyzed.
The doc told me that the report from the MRI that I had in October did not do justice to my condition. His exact words were that my neck is in "horrible", shape. I am glad that someone finally believes that there is something truly wrong after years of hearing that it was all in my head. I am not however looking forward to another very painful, very involved surgery. I have to do it though I cannot take the pain anymore. I am on the type and enough meds now to knock a horse over, and it is doing nothing for the actual pain. So on to bigger and better things.
I should be sleeping right now, but I cannot sleep more than an hour or two. If I shift an inch or two I am awake. Tomorrow I will have the new meds and I know that I will be out of it most of the time, but I have no choice. It is either be zonked out of my mind or suffer horrendous pain. I will take being zonked thank you...
I am not sure if or when I will post again. I will be having my surgery soon, but I will look in on you all from time to time.
Much love and peace to you all, until....
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
The Realization.....
That I am not going to have children does not stop my heart from longing. It is one of those things that makes you wonder who you are and where you belong in this world. I know things that I wish I had never learned. Losing your innocence in such a way takes so much more than your innocence. It takes a tremendous toll on the way that you view your world.
It takes your dreams and hopes and makes them as though they never were. It makes your life incomplete. There is only one thing besides the Lord that can fill that void, and that is a child.
I don't really feel like blogging, or much of anything else. I am having one of those spells where everything hurts, and not just my body. I am not sad, just hurting. I will be 37 in just over 2 weeks and looking back at another year where I will not be a mother brings that old feeling of loss again.
I am sure that I will get over it all eventually, I just don't know what else I can do to fix what is going on right now. I wish that those thoughts just simply would not come, but they do. Feb. is the month that we found out that I was not going to be able to have children without donor eggs. It seems as though it were only yesterday. Even when I find myself not thinking about anything having to do with my situation, it just creeps up on me. It is hard to life with the fact that I am less than. I was never mean to have children.
I was 25 when I became pregnant the first time. I was beyond devastated with that loss. Not to mention the fact that I almost died. There was nothing that I could do about it then and there is nothing that I can do about it now. But that does not make it hurt any less. Just the thought that the failures I have suffered over the years have driven home the fact that there was something wrong with me from the very beginning that no one saw.
All of the doctors, testing, trying, tears, nothing has done any good. My husband cmae home the other day and told me that a lady that he works with who got pregnant with her second IVF. Matter of fact we met at the RE's office. I digress, anyway he told me that she had her second baby that she got pregnant without intervention and just returned to work. I suppose that he tells me these things to help me to keep hope alive for us, but it isn't working.
I know that there is not a thig that I can do to change what has happened, but I still feel like I should have at least been able to give my husband at least one child.
It takes your dreams and hopes and makes them as though they never were. It makes your life incomplete. There is only one thing besides the Lord that can fill that void, and that is a child.
I don't really feel like blogging, or much of anything else. I am having one of those spells where everything hurts, and not just my body. I am not sad, just hurting. I will be 37 in just over 2 weeks and looking back at another year where I will not be a mother brings that old feeling of loss again.
I am sure that I will get over it all eventually, I just don't know what else I can do to fix what is going on right now. I wish that those thoughts just simply would not come, but they do. Feb. is the month that we found out that I was not going to be able to have children without donor eggs. It seems as though it were only yesterday. Even when I find myself not thinking about anything having to do with my situation, it just creeps up on me. It is hard to life with the fact that I am less than. I was never mean to have children.
I was 25 when I became pregnant the first time. I was beyond devastated with that loss. Not to mention the fact that I almost died. There was nothing that I could do about it then and there is nothing that I can do about it now. But that does not make it hurt any less. Just the thought that the failures I have suffered over the years have driven home the fact that there was something wrong with me from the very beginning that no one saw.
All of the doctors, testing, trying, tears, nothing has done any good. My husband cmae home the other day and told me that a lady that he works with who got pregnant with her second IVF. Matter of fact we met at the RE's office. I digress, anyway he told me that she had her second baby that she got pregnant without intervention and just returned to work. I suppose that he tells me these things to help me to keep hope alive for us, but it isn't working.
I know that there is not a thig that I can do to change what has happened, but I still feel like I should have at least been able to give my husband at least one child.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Baby Blues
Not depressed, just a little blue. Today is one of those days where I am feeling the loss. I don't really feel too terrible, just wanting to be a mother. My sisters children just won't do on a day like today. I still want a child of my own.
The understanding that me + having a baby just won't happen is very real today. I know that it will go away eventually, but it is still a very hard thing to deal with. I think that I will go to the Library today and pick out a book or two. Maybe that will take my mind off of the "No Baby Blues".
I love my husband so much, but he still feels like there is a chance that we still might be able to afford donor eggs. My concerns are that even though we have the eggs and I am able to conceive, how would I carry a baby with my health issues? I think that thinking about his feelings about all of this has me in this mood. He wants a baby as badly as I do. I just do not believe that it is a reality for me.
Oh brother, it seems like whenever I take one step forward I am set back 2 more. It makes me think again of all that I am lacking. Not to mention the financial climate, and the simple fact that trying anything while I am in the midst of issues with my body would be a disaster. We have talked, and though I really try to avoid that particular conversation, I cannot deny him the right to express how he feels about having children. I can't even fault him for not wanting to give up. I just feel so sad for him. He is a very good man, and a loving and caring husband.
In other news, I talked to one of my sisters, who since my parents passed and she decided to return to her VERY abusive boyfriend we have not spoken very often. We used to be so close, and were able to talk about everything. Well, she told me that she might have uterine cancer, and may have to have a hysterectomy. I would like to ask that if you know the words of prayer, please pray for her and her children.
My other sister the one who has a child with my ex is getting married to him in August. I am not sure what to think about all of that. I don't have any feelings for him, but it is out of concern for my sister that I worry. I know what kind of man he is. More importantly I know what kind of man he isn't.
The understanding that me + having a baby just won't happen is very real today. I know that it will go away eventually, but it is still a very hard thing to deal with. I think that I will go to the Library today and pick out a book or two. Maybe that will take my mind off of the "No Baby Blues".
I love my husband so much, but he still feels like there is a chance that we still might be able to afford donor eggs. My concerns are that even though we have the eggs and I am able to conceive, how would I carry a baby with my health issues? I think that thinking about his feelings about all of this has me in this mood. He wants a baby as badly as I do. I just do not believe that it is a reality for me.
Oh brother, it seems like whenever I take one step forward I am set back 2 more. It makes me think again of all that I am lacking. Not to mention the financial climate, and the simple fact that trying anything while I am in the midst of issues with my body would be a disaster. We have talked, and though I really try to avoid that particular conversation, I cannot deny him the right to express how he feels about having children. I can't even fault him for not wanting to give up. I just feel so sad for him. He is a very good man, and a loving and caring husband.
In other news, I talked to one of my sisters, who since my parents passed and she decided to return to her VERY abusive boyfriend we have not spoken very often. We used to be so close, and were able to talk about everything. Well, she told me that she might have uterine cancer, and may have to have a hysterectomy. I would like to ask that if you know the words of prayer, please pray for her and her children.
My other sister the one who has a child with my ex is getting married to him in August. I am not sure what to think about all of that. I don't have any feelings for him, but it is out of concern for my sister that I worry. I know what kind of man he is. More importantly I know what kind of man he isn't.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Going Through, and Stepping out into the Marvelous Light
It is a part of life, and sometimes (more often than not in my case) that means going through over and over again. I must admit though that I am not trapped by the sad thoughts like I have been. I am learning to live with what I have been dealt and that is a good thing.
I will not lie and say that it doesn't hurt because it does, but 13 years is a long time and I have to move from this place or I will not grow. I feel like I am leaving my babies behind in a way. It is an odd feeling. I know that I will always love and miss them, but I also cannot continue to live like I have been. I want to know who I am again. I used to love to read and thanks to my lovely bloggy friend Stacey I am getting that stirring again. She by the way has truly been an inspiration to me, she is more powerful than she will ever know--and humble to boot. Her words do more good than she could ever imagine, and her kindness to me has gone a long way. I am thankful for her and the precious women who have left their thoughts and offers of prayers here. Thankful indeed.
Going through does not mean that you are always suffering, it just means that you are just "going through" a rough patch, and when you are past it you can go on. I feel like going on. I must admit that I am not a physically well person, but there is nothing wrong with my mind, and I can still love, help, and be helped. I used to go to the SA and help out there too. It made me feel needed. It made me feel like if one more person was able to accept Christ because of something that I said or did I was blessed too.
I can't do that anymore, but I am sure that if I put my mind to and my heart in it I can find a way to help. I am trying to say thank you for finding me when I was lost Jesus. Thank you for sending your angels to guide me out of this very sad dark place in my life. Thank you Lord for hearing me when I could not hear you.
You all have supported me so much more than you will ever know. Okay tearing up now time to go...... Thanks again.....
I will not lie and say that it doesn't hurt because it does, but 13 years is a long time and I have to move from this place or I will not grow. I feel like I am leaving my babies behind in a way. It is an odd feeling. I know that I will always love and miss them, but I also cannot continue to live like I have been. I want to know who I am again. I used to love to read and thanks to my lovely bloggy friend Stacey I am getting that stirring again. She by the way has truly been an inspiration to me, she is more powerful than she will ever know--and humble to boot. Her words do more good than she could ever imagine, and her kindness to me has gone a long way. I am thankful for her and the precious women who have left their thoughts and offers of prayers here. Thankful indeed.
Going through does not mean that you are always suffering, it just means that you are just "going through" a rough patch, and when you are past it you can go on. I feel like going on. I must admit that I am not a physically well person, but there is nothing wrong with my mind, and I can still love, help, and be helped. I used to go to the SA and help out there too. It made me feel needed. It made me feel like if one more person was able to accept Christ because of something that I said or did I was blessed too.
I can't do that anymore, but I am sure that if I put my mind to and my heart in it I can find a way to help. I am trying to say thank you for finding me when I was lost Jesus. Thank you for sending your angels to guide me out of this very sad dark place in my life. Thank you Lord for hearing me when I could not hear you.
You all have supported me so much more than you will ever know. Okay tearing up now time to go...... Thanks again.....
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
It Had To Happen
I knew that it would, my neice has stopped calling me mama, and now calls me Amy. It hurts a little, because I know that it will be the only time that I will hear it. I am a little sad. I know that I will never hear it from my own children, and hearing it even from my sister's child made me feel whole in a way.
I think that is the best way to explain it. I feel like even though I am coming to terms with not having children, it is still a challenge to have them around all of the time. I just wish sometimes that they didn't have to leave. My days are hard, but harder still that my house becomes quite once again after they leave.
I am having one of those days where the physical pain is overshadowing the emotional pain, I am without my morphine until the 17th because of insurance making me send it into a mail order company. I do not know if I will be posting for a while, just because I am not feeling well.... I will check in from time to time....
I think that is the best way to explain it. I feel like even though I am coming to terms with not having children, it is still a challenge to have them around all of the time. I just wish sometimes that they didn't have to leave. My days are hard, but harder still that my house becomes quite once again after they leave.
I am having one of those days where the physical pain is overshadowing the emotional pain, I am without my morphine until the 17th because of insurance making me send it into a mail order company. I do not know if I will be posting for a while, just because I am not feeling well.... I will check in from time to time....
I Just Had To Say......
***I would like to edit this and say that I heard all of this on GMA this morning. I do not normally watch but it was on after my hubby left for work and I ended up hearing what I am commenting on in this post***That this woman who just had eight babies is a complete nut case!!! Not to mention the doctor that she probably paid with the hard earned money of other Americans who are having a hard time paying their own bills. I am outraged that a man who took an oath to do no harm would even consider such an outrageous thing. I find it even harder to believe that he did not know that there was something not quite right about this woman that he was treating. He was there and checked on each pregnancy. I also think that he was looking for some kind of recognition, albeit not this kind. I think that through this he was hoping to boost his fertility practice even more. I cannot see how this is not harmful.... To the children that were already here, and the new babies that have a mother who is to say the least not in touch with reality. This doctor had to know that there was some issues with this woman who obviously has no intention of taking responsibility for these 14 little children who have had no choice in this matter at all..... This woman is the reason why some who don't know any better look down on ART.
I feel like there should be more interviews with women like us who have been fighting for all that we are worth to try and have children through IVF. Now there is going to be those ignorant people who think that this is what women who have tried for years to have children are aiming for... This woman had used the system in a horrible way. She had been on disability for a back injury!!!!! Give me a break PLEASE!!! If she had a back injury how did she carry six pregnancies?!?! Not to mention that one was with 8 count em 8 babies....
I am not disputing the fact that she loves her children, but I would like to know that our tax dollars are really at work. I would like to see her investigated and brought up on charges of fraud. That is what she did. She stole from the system, and in my opinion she still is.
I am just sick. I feel like people like this young woman make it harder for those who need IVF for the right reasons. My thoughts are that she really had no fertility issues--and she used donor sperm instead of getting a husband. She is a real sicko!!! She is one of those people who needs to get a job and have to do what the rest of us do.... Work for it.... I am wondering if this is the same doctor who diagnosed her back injury? I also wonder how those babies are being cared for if not by the welfare system...... I would like to have been a fly on the wall when she told her parents that she was having another 8 babies. She doesn't support the ones she has and the fact that her mother said that she spends the money that she does get on toys for the children, and does not help with household expenses. She also gets 490.00 per month in food stamps. I wonder how much she will be getting now... To be honest I do not know how she got any help at all see how she used IVF to get pregnant in the first place. I can't get any help at all and I am one of those who truly needs it. Our system stinks when it comes to investigating all of these women. I also feel like since she is such a good liar that she more likely than not lied about how she conceived in order to get the assistance.
OK I had to vent a little, maybe alot. But I just don't feel like it is fair that she can do whatever she wants and everyone is paying her and she has a publisist!! I also think that this was her plan all along to get rich off of her children, and I really feel sorry for those poor babies who really don't stand much of a chance with this woman as a mother.... I also believe that she knew that once this went public that she would have to answer to someone about all of the money that she took for a non-exsistent back injury. She had to think quick and so she came up with keeping her mouth shut until she got the money that she wanted for her interview, which to me was no more than a nicely packaged bundle of LIES..... OK I am now stepping down from my soapbox..... I pray that these children, and new babies have all that they need and all the love they deserve. It is sad the life they will endure because of thier mother, they will always be in the spotlight, and the thought of how they will be looked at by other children. I don't think that she thought this out to well, but then thinking does not seem to be high on her list of priorities.
I feel like there should be more interviews with women like us who have been fighting for all that we are worth to try and have children through IVF. Now there is going to be those ignorant people who think that this is what women who have tried for years to have children are aiming for... This woman had used the system in a horrible way. She had been on disability for a back injury!!!!! Give me a break PLEASE!!! If she had a back injury how did she carry six pregnancies?!?! Not to mention that one was with 8 count em 8 babies....
I am not disputing the fact that she loves her children, but I would like to know that our tax dollars are really at work. I would like to see her investigated and brought up on charges of fraud. That is what she did. She stole from the system, and in my opinion she still is.
I am just sick. I feel like people like this young woman make it harder for those who need IVF for the right reasons. My thoughts are that she really had no fertility issues--and she used donor sperm instead of getting a husband. She is a real sicko!!! She is one of those people who needs to get a job and have to do what the rest of us do.... Work for it.... I am wondering if this is the same doctor who diagnosed her back injury? I also wonder how those babies are being cared for if not by the welfare system...... I would like to have been a fly on the wall when she told her parents that she was having another 8 babies. She doesn't support the ones she has and the fact that her mother said that she spends the money that she does get on toys for the children, and does not help with household expenses. She also gets 490.00 per month in food stamps. I wonder how much she will be getting now... To be honest I do not know how she got any help at all see how she used IVF to get pregnant in the first place. I can't get any help at all and I am one of those who truly needs it. Our system stinks when it comes to investigating all of these women. I also feel like since she is such a good liar that she more likely than not lied about how she conceived in order to get the assistance.
OK I had to vent a little, maybe alot. But I just don't feel like it is fair that she can do whatever she wants and everyone is paying her and she has a publisist!! I also think that this was her plan all along to get rich off of her children, and I really feel sorry for those poor babies who really don't stand much of a chance with this woman as a mother.... I also believe that she knew that once this went public that she would have to answer to someone about all of the money that she took for a non-exsistent back injury. She had to think quick and so she came up with keeping her mouth shut until she got the money that she wanted for her interview, which to me was no more than a nicely packaged bundle of LIES..... OK I am now stepping down from my soapbox..... I pray that these children, and new babies have all that they need and all the love they deserve. It is sad the life they will endure because of thier mother, they will always be in the spotlight, and the thought of how they will be looked at by other children. I don't think that she thought this out to well, but then thinking does not seem to be high on her list of priorities.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
A Little Peace....
Today is not so bad. I would like to say thank you for the prayers. They do change things. I feel like I have a firm grip on my reality today. It may be short lived but for today it feels kinda good.
I may never have children, but at least I am on the road to finding out why. I think that one of the reasons why I have taken all of this so hard is because I have blamed myself for all of these years. I hope that my heart is truly beginning to heal, and I can move from this place with a new perspective on life and how I manage mine. Even with the pain, I am sure that the added stress of what I have been going through with infertility has not helped much, but today is good.
I have not said or much less felt that in a very long time. I am a firm believer in prayer. I feel in my heart and know in my mind that someone has been praying for me. Your prayers, thoughts, and well wishes, have not fallen on deaf ears.
Mind you I am not 100% but I feel better than I have in a long time, and for that I am thankful.... I know that there will be days when I feel my world crumble, but for today it isn't and it is good for the soul.........
Once again, thank you for your prayers, your thoughts, and more than anything for the love of God in you, because it has made a difference to me......
Amy
I may never have children, but at least I am on the road to finding out why. I think that one of the reasons why I have taken all of this so hard is because I have blamed myself for all of these years. I hope that my heart is truly beginning to heal, and I can move from this place with a new perspective on life and how I manage mine. Even with the pain, I am sure that the added stress of what I have been going through with infertility has not helped much, but today is good.
I have not said or much less felt that in a very long time. I am a firm believer in prayer. I feel in my heart and know in my mind that someone has been praying for me. Your prayers, thoughts, and well wishes, have not fallen on deaf ears.
Mind you I am not 100% but I feel better than I have in a long time, and for that I am thankful.... I know that there will be days when I feel my world crumble, but for today it isn't and it is good for the soul.........
Once again, thank you for your prayers, your thoughts, and more than anything for the love of God in you, because it has made a difference to me......
Amy
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