Looking Back

Looking back on these 13 years of infertility and loss, I have wondered how I learned to live without being able to have children for so long. The truth is that I haven't. I am still very much feeling like I was just told that I would not have children without the help of another woman and many thousands of dollars. Both of which I do not have.

I do have a husband who loves me so much. I have a home that I am comfortable in. Just yesterday we finished installing my much wanted wood stove. I have always loved the comfort and warm of a wood fire. It brings back so many of the chldhood memories of sitting around the old wood stove that my father made. My childhood was not a very happy one, but I did find joy and good memories in the cold winter night that we would cook on lay around the family room watching my mom crochet.
My dad would be in his old ragged recliner dozing. It was quiet and peaceful.

I am thankful for the few that follow this blog and for the precious comments that make a bright spot in my sometimes very painful days, both physical and emotional.

For that I am thankful and blessed beyond words. You know who you are. You don't know what you mean to me, or what you have done to help me begin to heal. I cannot tell you, but I will say that you have been like sisters to me. Thank you......

Please Jesus....

Help me find peace in this place of sorrow and constant loss pain, and memories.

Help to seek the understanding that even good people suffer constantly, and that there is a reward at the end of this life.

Help me to laugh again with my whole heart.

Help me to find you even though I cannot see you.

Help me to feel you even though all I feel is pain right now.

Help me to love myself.

Help me to grieve.

Help me to live.

Help me to find comfort in your arms.

Help me.

Amen

I Almost Forgot The Best Part....

So I was on the phone with my SIL who is a surgical nurse and I was asking her about the meds that I am on.... Out of nowhere she says, "Now aren't you glad that you didn't have a baby with all this going on." WHAT?????? She above all should understand how much we have been through and how much it has hurt me. She should know how long I researched IVF, and asking questions and nurses that she works with who had gone through it....

Where do people get their nerve???? That may be the reason for the feelings over the past few days. I was just sitting her and kinda blubbed a little trying not to let the children see that I was upset. Thank God for Dora the Explorer.


It felt like she was using the fact that I am infertile to throw just one more dart in my heart. I am one who forgives, but the hurt is never forgotten. It takes a long time for me to heal from such offenses. I was thrown off balance. I still have not recovered.

I do not htink that I will talk to her for a while if ever again now. Not out of anger, but fear of being told such things again. Their life goes on and mine is at a stand still there is no sympathy or understanding.

I am done, stick a fork in me done!

So Blessed....

I wonder if people know truly how blessed they are. At a point in my life I would be overjoyed to be in the Dreaded Two Week Wait. I want to hope, but really what good would it do? It would not change my situation, and it would only add to the overwhelming stress that I already have.

My situation is that I do have a period every month....

My situation is that even though I have a cycle I have no eggs....

My situation is that even if I had working ovaries I would not have any tubes....

My situation is that even with IVF there is no promise that I will make even one egg....

My situation is that there will be no good news or bad news....

My situation is that I am where I will likely remain for the rest of my life, in limbo.....

I know that I am posting like a nut today, but I am have a clear day today and in need of a Vicodin so I have to get it all out and down so that I don't forget. I know that for the most part I am a gloom and doom kinda girl.... But I have to be realistic or I would not be able to function. It is a constant thought that I am just in a place where I can't go left or right, up or down. I am stuck.....

I just want to be whole again. I would do so many things differently. I would have begun this process so much earlier in my life. I know that there would still be no promises but I would not have taken my fertility for granted the way that I have.

I am sure that most women to some extent think that they can wait and that by the time they are ready for children that it will just happen... I am here to tell you that in so many cases that is not the way that it goes.

There are times when I hate this body. I hate it..... I hate the way that I feel, and knowing that there will be another month where IT will show, and there is nothing that I can do to hide from it. I give up... I really do. There is not much fight left in me. I have lost so much, and what I have lost there is no getting back.... This cannot be all there is to life. Can it?

On My Birthday....

I've been thinking about birthdays and I am not sure that there is any one thing that I want. My birthday is March 14, which is the same day that my parent's wedding anniversary is on. It will definately be a day of reflection. I will miss my parents and celebrating with them.

It is unfortunate but my mind will also make some connection to my losses even though I know I will purposely try not to think on those things. It never fails. Although it will sound harsh to some. I really do wish that there were some way that I could forget. Not my babies, just the pain of losing them. I will never forget how much I have missed out on or how much I have lost.

I have longed for a moment when that was not the case. Every time I look at my sisters' children I am reminded of where my baby would be at in his or her developement. That is a very hard thing.

Back to birthdays. I am not looking forward to another year without children. I also think that with everything else going on in my life that this birthday will be just another day for me. I do not expect it to be a good one.

I always wanted children by the time I was this age. I do not think that it will ever happen. Even with the best medicine. That makes me sad. It hurts and I still long for those lost babies. I miss them so much. I think about the fact that right now I should be the mother to a 13 year old and a 6 month old. It is a very hard thing to remember, but even harder not to.

I am at a place where my heart is so torn. I just wanted so badly to be someone's mommy. To love a child that came from my husband and myself. I feel like I wanted so little. I will have a birthday this year. I will live to see another day, and it will mark another year of losses and suffering.

I wonder how much more of this will God allow. I hope not much more. I need some mercy. I need some joy. Some good thing that is just for me. Some small miracle, some glimmer of hope. I keep praying for these things and it seems the more I look for the good all I get is the pain of a sickened heart.

I'm done. Until......

Standing At The Crossroads

That is how I am feeling. I have finally found a neurosurgeon that will see me without a referral. With everything that is going on with my neck and back, and the meds that I am on--I just do not know how I am going to make it through another IVF and feel possitive about the outcome.

I think that I will wait and see what the neuro doc has to say before booking a flight to New York. It is important for me because I have always wanted children, but I also want to be well enough to take care of them. I do not know how I am going to face all of this and IVF too. My sweet husband wants children so badly, but I do not want to leave him with all of the work that will be involved in taking care of a new child and a wife that can do so little.

Add to everything that my heart just aches for children and finding out about my ovaries so soon after losing a pregnancy, and the disapointment of my last failed IVF and I just don't know how much more of this that my poor heart and mind can take.

I am also having issues with sleep again. Not as bad as before, but definately not good seeing that I have two little girls to take care of today. They require so much from me. It is not easy when I have had so little sleep and so much pain. also there has been another bout of stomach virus in my house which makes everything worse.

I think that it is time to sit down and have a real heart-to-heart with my hubby. I know that he will not understand all that I am going through--but he will try and stand by me no matter what happens. I just don't want to break his heart about this upcoming IVF. He is so excited about it and even though I would love to be able to give him the children that he so longs for but I also know the toll that it will take on my body and mind.

I am at the crossroads.

Today

Today the tears are just beneath the surface. Today, I don't know if I can stop them or if I even want to.

Today the sadness is great.

Today there is no particular reason for the sadness.

Today is just another day.

Today I do not have children, nor will I tomorrow.

Today I will scratch through, I will tomorrow too.

Today I will cry.

Today there will be no miracle.

Today there will be no hope.

Today I will hear somone else's child call me "mama".

Today I will care for a little one.

Today after 5:30pm my house will be silent again.

Today I will hurt.

Today I will have to take a pain pill to function. I will do the same tomorrow.

Today is just another day.