December 2008...Almost 13 years

These days are almost surreal as of late. I am looking at thirteen years since my first loss and since I have been trying to have a baby. My heart just is not into Christmas and not just because of finances, but because I am sad for the loss of my children and the idea that there is so little hope for me to have children.

My period is supposed to start today, and I am not looking forward to another cycle of empty womb and home, and heart. This is just time for me to reflect on how much I have lost. I just do not know what to do or where to begin if I were to do anything. My heart is in a constant state of brokeness.

I would love to have a Christmas miracle, but I have learned over the years that miracles are for those who have the money to make them happen. I do not have the finances to make those things come into being and I am at the point where there is nothing else for me to do other than hurt.

Dreary, gloomy, and sad--that is how I feel most of the time, and I do not know what else there is for me to do. I went to the doctor last week, and when the nurse could not get a BP on me he said that I might be pregnant...Yeah right... I just don't know how to hope for that at all... All I know anymore is that it will either take a REAL miracle without medical intervention or IVF, if I could even make enough eggs to get a good one.

Just Another Sad Day In The Life....

I am just having on of those days where I am really thinking about babies, and children. I am like that most months around the time of my period. I always thought of my period as a sign of hope that there would always be a chance for me to conceive.

I do not see it that way anymore. Now it is more a reminder of really how broken I am as a woman. I do not look forward to it. I don't like having the PMS, or the feelings of inadequacy. Most of all I hate the lack of hope that is in it. I hate feeling like my womb is an open wound and all I can do is wait it out. Only to have the same feelings the next month.

I know that we are going to try IVF one more time, but I cannot find joy in that either because I know what could happen. I am angry at infertility because it took away so much like the fact that there is nothing innocent about me anymore. I am so closed off even to my husband. Even if we were to become pregnant through IVF there would be not joy in it until the baby is born because so much has been stolen from me and I would not believe until I was holding the baby in my arms that it could not be taken from me again.

It is not just the loss that has taken so much from me, but the aftermath. The dates and the memories. Telling my husband on the phone that I was pregnant and hearing him with a lump in his throat, and the joy that he got from telling his family that he was going to be a father. I hurt for him. He has been through this with me, and yet he has been string for me when I know that there have been moments when he wanted to crumble.

I feel like it is my fault that I cannot give him children. I feel like I am less than what he deserves. He works so hard so that I could be at home and raise our children, well it has been seven years and I still have not given him children. I don't know that I ever will.

I see my life going on, but not forward. I feel stuck in the same place. Time has moved on but I haven't, I can't I am trying. But I am missing so much. I am a mother, in my heart and soul I am, but in my body I cannot be. I need to not feel the same old pang of hurt every month knowing that there is no chance that I might be pregnant. I don't know what else to do. I am in prison in my own body, and there is nothing that I can do about it. There is nothing that I can do to change it.

my fertility has been stolen from me in every way. If the IVF doesn't work then I will have no choice but to turn to some other woman. Even though it is a thought there is no money for such things. I just do not want to feel like there is nothing that I can do even when I know that I can't.

Thousands of dollars is not something that we can afford. We cannot even borrow the money. How do I come to grips with the fact that if IVF doesn't work that I have to live my life without hope of ever having children. I don't know. I have done it for this long and it has been constant torture. I don't know what I would do if it were done and over and all I could do is wait to die without the family I longes and prayed for with my husband.

I don't really believe that I am living now. I am just exsisting. Trying to make it to the next day. It is not a good way to live.

Dreams

I have been having dreams about babies, and pregnancy as of late. Alot of them. last night for instance I dreamed that I was breast feeding, and that I was worried about having enough milk for my baby. It was strange. I guess it is just my mind's way of coping. I would love to be able to breast feed my baby. There is something I have to do first....Get pregnant! I have never had a pregnancy in my womb. I could not even imagine that feeling of having a baby that would grow to term inside of me, and feel himor her moving and depending on me to live.

That would be so awesome. I still do not want to get my hopes up about IVF because every time we make a plan to do something on the fertility front it gets thrown to the back burner. I just feel so sad about the dreams and the longing to be a mother, and wanting that feeling of having a child inside of my body. It is apparent that is what a lot of women want as there are so many of them seeking treatment for infertility.

I don't know what to do about the drams and am so unsure about everything that I am feeling as far as my body going through another IVF. It just seems so hard to digest all of this, and I really do not have anyone to share all of this with so I write it down. I guess I will write more as it comes.

Amy

Trying Again....

Well the decision has been made to try IVF one more time. We are maybe going to try in Feb. or Mar. I am not sure when but I feel like at this point that we have nothing else to lose. There are really no expectations at this point and even less hope for anything to come of this.

Lorenzo and I have one more chance with his insurance coverage so we are going to try. My heart is still broken and I am not looking at this like we will get pregnant, and I will not have any hope until we get to that point until we have something to transfer.

I only pray that we even get to the point that there is even anything to retrieve.

That is it for now I guess. Until.......

Jesus, it's me again...

Lord, my only question is why? I just can't comprehend. I know that I am not dumb--I just feel that way now because every time there is a glimmer of hope I am cast back into this dark place. I am tired--I am weary, and I am at the end of my rope.

I am tired of the constant sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I have been told so many time to lay it all down--and when I do guess what? I get it thrown right back in my face, only a double portion.

Lord, I have tried so hard, and still am to do everything that I can to stay sane--it is not an easy task. I am helping my sister by keeping her two smaller children, and no matter how I might hurt I get up anyway.

I am doing everything that I can. I help people even when it hurts. We have lost so much in this and I am wondering if I should just send my husband to someone else because I cannot give him children. Others may scoff, but I know now more than anyone should how Sarah felt when looking at her husband and her aging body.

Not only is my body aging, but it has been mangled, and stitched back together with nothing to offer but cramps. Lord I am angry with you. I am hurt, because You more than anyone else knows what I have been through, and all that I have done to try and help others. Am I that big a failure in your eyes? Almost 13 years ago I lost my baby, but that was not enough I also had to lose the chance to have a fmily at all.

I AM NOT JOB!!! I do not know how much longer or how much more I can bare. I know that others might not even write it down the way that I am, but it is all that I can do. I have nothing to fight with anymore, and my strength is gone. You told me to lay my cares on you. So here they are.

What good is my life if I have nothing to offer? You made me, and you allow these things to happen, so why is there nothing that You will do about them? This is not just about not having children, this is about not having a life anymore. This is about all that I have hope and prayed for. This is about not having anything to hope for anymore. This is about giving up. Are You listening? Can You hear me? Do You care for me? Why is there nothing for me, not even life? Why is there no happiness for me? Why do I always have to take the scraps of what is left? Why is it ok for me to joy with others and not for myself? Why do I have to fake it for everyone and smile when I feel like screaming?

Can't You see that I am in turmoil? You open the barren womb. You create all life. You are the keeper of my soul. You are the shepherd. You are the one who died for my sins. What do you want me to do? I give it all to you, and it is never enough. What more is required? How much more do I endure? How long will I be able to live like this?

I am beyond tired. No one wants to hear my problems when they have enough of their own. No one wants me around, unless I can be of some service to them. When they have what they need--they don't call or come around. I am stuck here in this house, and I have only my dog for company. I am beaten. I have nothing else to give. I have no more strength. I have no more hope. All I have are words, and even they are beginning to fail me. I do not want to die like this. But i do not want to live like this either. I am being punished, and it is more than I can bare. I am thrown away by this world, my family so called friends. Are You done with me too?

Vent

That old feeling of just wanting to disappear is back. I do not like December. I do not like Christmas. I do not like the feelings that come along with all of the memories. I am heartbroken all over again. Every year it is the same. I think that I am just going to stay at home and make my little nest safe and quiet. I am going to turn off all ringers on the phones, and sleep through it.

I am no longer amazed at the lack of happiness in my life. I have my husband and the last thing that I want to do is drag him down with me. So he will spend time with his family without me. I do not eat much anymore due to side effects from the meds that I am on so missing a meal won't bother me. I just don't know what to do with myself.

I said that I was going to start cleaning out some of the things in the "baby's room", but I have not had the strength--it is more anout the physical than the mental. I am really tired of having to keep that door shut because I just don't want to look at it.

I don't know what to say or do anymore. I am at a complete and utter loss. I am not in a good place. I felt at one point that there was a door opening, but not for me. I should have known better than to hope for anything good. I am just sick. I want to cry, and sometimes I do, but only when the tears come involuntarily. I don't think that I even know what to cry about anymore--there is just so much to cry about.

Grief is not my thing. I have never been a good griever. In my case the grieving never stops. As soon as one thing happens and I think that I am past it something else happens and I am thrust back into the midst of the storm again.

Lord, what do you want from me? You made me and you know. What more do I have to go through? How much more do I have to endure? How much more can I endure? I don't know, only You know.

My heart just is not in this anymore. I can't drive anymore. I don't go out of my house unless it is another visit to the doctor. I don't put clothes on until I shower, and then it is PJs again. I am just here, and I don't know where here is anymore. I am not living, I am just exsisting. I don't like it, but not much that I can do about it. It is in His hands and anything that I hope for is crushed anyway so I have very little need or use for hope at all.

Blah, Blah, Blah, I know this is how I sound, but it is all that keeps me sane most days. I really don't expect anyone to reply of even read, I need to vent. I need to write it down. Not in hopes of one day looking back at these words with our miracle child and thinking how ugly life was before. I need to write it down because even though it is not pretty or happy or full of hope it is where I am right now. It is where I have been for a long time.

And after so many years of having one hope or dream after another incinerated in front of my very eyes I should not expect anymore of myself. And to top it all off my body is once again betraying me by disentergrating causing immense pain and reminding me that there is really no hope of me even being able to carry a child, even if it isn't my own.

It means the death of never having anyone to ever call me mama. It means the death of all hope of ever giving my husband that ever longed for culmunation of our love. It means there are no miracles. At least not for me. It means a life of quiet solitude and reflection on all that I have missed out on. It means always feeling less than a woman. It means living in solitude even though I am married. It means getting used to always feeling lost in this female body that still longs to procreate, and stills menstrates as a show of rebellion--instead of quietly quenching that monthy fire that burns with promise even though there is none. It means living in this sad and barren land.

HOPE?!?! What's That?

It is just so strange that I have heard continually for almost 13 years that G-D will not put on you more than you can bare. I beg to differ. I do not think that I am holding up that great in sight of all that I have been through. Plus the fact that hope is a very shallow thing nowadays. I do not have the luxury of thinking that maybe this month. Funny the things that you think of as luxury after a few years of infertility.

There is nothing that I can do, nothing is going to change. I WANT TO BE A MOTHER!!!! I DON'T WANT TO BE INFERTILE!!!!

I AM TIRED OF HEARING THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY--BECAUSE IT ISN'T, AND IT NEVER WILL BE!!!!

I HATE THAT I STILL HOPE FOR A MIRACLE, I HATE THAT MY BODY BETRAYED ME!!!!

I HATE THAT THERE IS NOTHING THAT I CAN DO ABOUT IT!!!!

I HATE HAVING A PERIOD EVERY MONTH!!!!

I HATE THAT THERE IS NO HELP FOR ME!!!!

I HATE THAT WE DO NOT HAVE THE MONEY FOR DONOR EGGS!!!!

I HATE THAT WE CANNOT ADOPT!!!!

I think that I have screamed enough now. Not that I couldn't find some more to scream about, but I am tired now. I am assuming that this is all a part of the grief process. I am angry, so much so that I scare myself sometimes. Not that I would hurt anyone, but it is too much and even though I pray, it doesn't help. All I can do is hurt and fight my way out of bed every morning.

I am tired. Beyond words, beyond hope, beyond faith. Please pray for me. Pray that I will move from this point--pray that I will stop foolishly hoping for something that will never be mine. Pray that I stand.